None of us walk into the sex toy world already knowing what we want. We make mistakes, buy products that don’t work for us and inevitably are disappointed when the toy doesn’t work for us. I am no different. My first vibrator looks exactly like what you would expect from a paranoid young adult only just learning about sex. I was lucky enough that I had done enough research on what would be safe for my body, so I didn’t buy any toxic materials, having been lucky enough to find Dangerous Lilly’s blog before I bought any toys. But nonetheless, this is a review I have been meaning to write. The first vibrator I ever bought was a sugary pink insertable that I bought from SheVibe for thirty dollars. It was called the Crush Darling and I was enamored of it, feeling secure in the knowledge that after extensive research on safe materials and after combing through the glut of vibrators that SheVibe offered that I had found the perfect first vibrator. Spoiler alert: I hadn’t. What I had found was something that would frustrate and annoy me to no end, make me question my body and vibrators in general and light a fire in me to find something better.
In writing the description of this toy, I find myself stumbling upon a bunch of insidious little buzzwords. Reading it, you might not know that it’s an overpriced trap for newbies. It’s made of body safe materials, like ABS plastic and silicone. The shape is bland, featuring a mildly contoured shaft that makes the vibrator look vaguely like a rosebud. With an insertable length of 5.25 inches and a maximum girth of 1.1 inches, it’s very tiny. A more charitable person might argue this itty bitty size and bland shape makes it a tame introduction to insertables. I am not that person. It takes two AA batteries and it’s waterproof. Like most basic vibrators, it has three steady intensities and seven patterns. My cynical theory is that this is so they could write it has ten functions on the ad copy. But no matter how innocuous this vibrator seems, no matter how inoffensive and beginner friendly, it cannot mask how it feels in use.
Let’s cut to the chase: this vibrator, my very first, was hot garbage. Nothing about it worked for my body. The vibrations were sharp, surface level and extremely buzzy. As I scrolled up the settings, it felt increasingly like it was trying to sand my clit off. I mashed it desperately against my vulva in the hopes of getting off before I went numb, holding it to the favored side of my clit. But increased pressure did nothing to allay the oncoming numbness of my genitals and every time I went away from it unsatisfied and sans orgasm. The noise it made was high pitched and sharp as well, as though I were trying to get myself off with a large and increasingly angry wasp, disconcerting when you’re trying to get lost in your fantasy. Internally, the vibrations felt worse. They were jarring and distracting and very unsatisfying. The one redeeming feature I found was with the vibrations turned off that it eased my way into penetration from larger toys, as the smooth texture and minuscule girth made it easy to insert with a minimum of fuss, though not any pleasure. However, at this point I already had a small dildo I could use, so it quickly fell by the wayside and gathered dust. In writing the review for this post, I used the Crush Darling a few more times to verify its awfulness. It is exactly as I remember it being, and my later sessions with it mirror my first: distressing, uncomfortable and numbing.
If you like numbing your genitals, bland insertable toys and the color pink, you’ll also like this toy. But if you want something that actually feels good, you’ll steer clear of this toy, who’s only silver lining is that it isn’t made out of toxic materials. But for less money, more pleasurable vibrations and a vibrator that’s not pink, the Turbo Glider does all of that while costing less money. You can find both the Crush Darling and the Turbo Glider at SheVibe.