The NoFrillDo X Review

The NoFrillDo project was born last year, approximately at the end of November if I’m reading the Indiegogo page correctly. The idea behind it? That body-safe pleasure didn’t have to have a high price tag. The NoFrillDo project came to fruition, cheered on by the sex positive community and gave birth to three designs: The R, The G, and The B. With Funkit’s simple but effective designs and affordable pricing, the world of sexual pleasure became more accessible to those among us who are ballin’ on a budget. So it can be no surprise that the world of the sex positive eagerly awaited the newest installment of the NoFrillDo project. This year, Funkit launched the continuation of the project, bringing in the NoFrillDos X and L, much thicker and longer toys than their comparatively modest siblings. The size captain in me was ecstatic when Kenton decided to send me the delightfully thick NoFrillDo X and I couldn’t wait to put it to the test!

So did this affordable silicone cutie live up to the hype? Did it rock my world and charm my cunt? Well…sort of. The NoFrillDo X is exactly what it seems to be. Kenton was serious about this being a no frills toy. The X doesn’t make an attempt at changing your sexual landscape. If you buy this hoping for revolutionary G-spot pleasure or for new sensations, you’ll find yourself disappointed. But for a budget conscious member of size royalty? This is a fantastic toy to get.

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The chunky NoFrillDo X in its eye searing, magenta glory.

The NoFrillDo X is a meaty one. At 7 inches insertable and 1.9 inches in diameter cast in shore 20 silicone, this isn’t for someone who is in anyway uncertain about girth. My particular NoFrillDo came in Magenta. Now normally I would never pick this color myself, but it’s hard to hold it against the toy given the bright, cheeriness of the color. Its dimensions are similar to the Jammy, a similarly affordable dildo in a more realistic cast.

The base also deserves some discussion.  It’s slanted. Or rather, the base of the toy is still flat, but the base appears askew. It’s like this on all of the toys, so you can rest assured it’s not a defect, but I do wonder about the reasoning behind it. I’ll admit, the unevenness of the base does give me some concerns; there are some Funkit toys that also have some narrow flares that Kenton believes are best served by attaching to another toy to use as a handle. While I don’t think there should be any issue for anal play, I do recommend playing special attention because of the slanted base. Also for harness use, I don’t think this base would be ideal. But for vaginal use? POUND AWAY.

So what to say about the NoFrillDo X in use? Well, it generally feels like a thick, ribbed insertable object. There’s no forgiving squish with the X, it opens you right up. If I’m not peak aroused, then the ribs frankly aggravate my vagina, much in the way that I expected it would; a combination of firmness and ridge prominence makes for an uncomfortable sensation should I try to just stuff myself. It’s the vaginal equivalent of hitting potholes over and over again when driving down the highway, a jarring and uncomfortable experience.

But when I’m aroused? I take the rippling texture of the X just fine. The bumps make themselves known very pleasurably and are pretty stimulating whether I pound away quickly or take my time with long slow strokes. It feels FUCKING GOOD is what I’m saying.  There’s no G-spot curve, the toy seems to rely upon the ribbed texture and thickness to create a pleasing pressure, which while it works, it does make me a little wistful. Ah, to have a curve. Even a little one. I use the X for that full feeling that I can’t get from more slender dildos. The X is pretty simple and effective at filling me up and making itself known.

I also use the X after I’ve warmed up and as a warm up of its own. It’s a great warm up toy for the Jammy, The Lust Arts Frank’s Monster, and my own fist. Yes, using the X (in a round about way) allowed me to get warmed up enough that I could fit my whole hand inside my vagina! So while the X can’t exactly take credit for that, it does get an award for being a good assist.

In all, this dildo largely accomplishes what it sets out to do. It’s thick, it fills you up, and it won’t hurt your wallet too much in accomplishing this. For intermediate size royalty members and those of us who love them, this is a good toy to get without breaking the bank. For those looking for more refined dildos with a more ambitious goal than just being filled up? Save your pennies and look elsewhere.

Funkit Toys provided this toy to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Funkit Toys!

 

Super Size Me: Big Toys Under $40

I must confess, I am becoming a size queen. While I can still love and adore smaller toys, big toys make my eyes light with avarice. But inevitably, my enthusiasm is squashed once I see the price tag. A dejected whine escapes my throat as I consider the cost against my vaginal delight, and eventually I turn away from the toy, removing it from my cart with a sigh. And so I have been on a quest, looking for HUGE DILDOS for a modest price. And I tell you, I have succeeded! I personally own two of these and can vouch for their quality!

  1. The Blush Novelties Elvira: I won this toy from a giveaway and I ADORE this girthy little sweetheart. 2 inches thick at the thickest, and with a stubby 5.5 inches in length, this toy is amazing. At $24, this toy is a baby size queen’s best friend. Bonus, it also has a suction cup!
  2. The Blush Novelties Ruse Jammy: I bought this myself when I saw how GOD DAMN CHEAP it was! At $33, you get a massive toy for very little! I’m talking 2 inches thick with 7.5 inches insertable. This is a CHUNKY toy. For those of us who lusted after Vixen Creations Randy but couldn’t cough up the cash for it, this is for you. It’s got a damned good suction cup (trust me, I’ve tried it) and it has incredibly realistic detail if you’re into that kind of thing. If you really wanna follow in my footsteps, also pick up the Blush Exposed Nocturnal! It’s on sale at Peepshow now and it’s damned good.
  3. The Dorcel SO Phospho Glow: This toy looks like a silicone version of the NJoy Eleven. However, it’s $33, glows in the dark and is honestly a dream come true. With two ends, a thin end at 1.3″ and a thick end at 1.9″, this toy is versatile AND filling!
  4. The Blush Novelties Sumo: Another Blush toy?? Yes! This company is really coming through for size queens with small budgets. This toy is a soft, dual density silicone with a thick, semi realistic look to it. It’s a chunky 2 inches thick and 6.8 inches insertable. It comes in Indigo and Violet, has a suction cup, and the best part? With the Black Friday 2018 deals, you can get this sucker for $15!

Armed with this new knowledge, go forth and get you some girthy silicone to squeeze around! Your holes and your wallet will love you.

Backdoor Blessings: The Lust Arts Unicorn Horn Review

As I’ve mentioned previously on this blog, I am not an anal aficionado. More like an anal amateur than anything else. I BELONG IN THE ANAL MINOR LEAGUES, I’M NOT READY TO GO PRO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always eager to try out things for my butt, but it’s not often that I find myself hankering for an anal only adventure. Well, that was until Lust Arts graced me once again with one of their toys. This month, Lust Arts sent me their Unicorn Horn for review and they’ve made for one of my first dildo reviews where I’ve only used the toy anally!

LUST ARTS UNICORN HORN PRODUCT PHOTO
The shimmery black Lust Arts Unicorn Horn looking suitably goth.

I’m not a girl who went crazy over unicorns. To be honest, I was one of the girls in middle school who constantly made dragon characters and some day, I’ll have a dragon dildo to reflect that. However, that doesn’t impede my love for the visuals of this toy. The Lust Arts Unicorn Horn is a gently spiraling toy, starting thin at the tip and widening as you continue down the shaft. Mine came in a solid shimmery black, which I think is fantastic. My aesthetic could roughly be defined as a mixture between: Varsity Jock, Punk, and Slut. And damn if this shimmery black unicorn horn doesn’t suit me exactly. At about 6.5″ long and 1.75″ at the thickest in the Moaner size, the Unicorn Horn isn’t exactly petite, but because the thickness is variable, I’d consider this to be somewhere between a beginner and intermediate dildo. Mine also came in the Medium firmness, or shore 10, which is quite flexible, but stiff enough to feel a little more dense.

That density is very important to me. Because floppy toys are notoriously hard to put in for anal play. But thankfully, the Unicorn Horn was very simple to ease into my backside. And oh when it did…the spiraling texture felt hypnotically pleasurable. As the girth increased and slowly opened up my ass, I felt soft moans tumble from my lips. The softness of the silicone made it a gentle, but pleasurable experience. Taking the Unicorn Horn in my behind made me realize that anal play isn’t always a session where you have to work hard to enjoy something in your ass. The Unicorn Horn must have some magic on it, because I used with ease and comfort that I haven’t with any other toy except perhaps the Pure Plug. I didn’t feel obligated to take it in my ass to review it properly; I want to feel the dildo slowly and orgasmically open me up. My butt was being blessed by Lust Art’s very thoughtful take on a Unicorn Horn dildo.

But the best session was when I used the Unicorn’s suction cup solo. I had stuck the Unicorn Horn to my headboard, dripped lube onto it and slowly backed my butt up onto the dildo. It took only the most minimal of finagling to get the Horn to go into my ass, after which I sighed in contentment. I rocked my hips back and forth, feeling the Horn stroke my ass gently but insistently. In my head, I pictured a gentle dominant easing the Horn in and out of my butt, whispering filthy words of encouragement as I took the toy deeper and deeper. When I came, I saw stars before my eyes. Then I gracelessly slumped to the bed, and the toy slipped out of my butt with the sound than canned cranberry sauce makes when you shake it wobbling from the can. I was a boneless heap of satisfaction, my face adorned with the idiot grin of all masturbators who have just achieved a massive orgasm.

I have little to compare the Horn to, save the Ripple I purchased in the summer of this year. The Ripple is a toy that makes me want to say it is formidable. Like anal beads and a dildo combined together, I had thought it would be the perfect anal toy. And it was fairly pleasurable. The beads were thought out, the silicone firm and the toy easy enough to maneuver. But it pales in comparison to the pleasure I’ve experienced with the Unicorn Horn. The Unicorn Horn allows for more minute gradations in girth and provides a gentle texture for anal interest, allowing for a more gradual opening up of the ass or other orifice. The slightly softer density is also more forgiving to anal amateurs. If you’re still in the minor leagues for anal play, I’d recommend the Unicorn Horn

Lust Arts, you make wonderful, fantastical toys. And this time, you’ve done it again with your Unicorn Horn. For people interested in snagging one of these beautiful toys themselves, considering using one of my affiliate links to get access to the Lust Arts 2018 Black Friday Sale! There’s going to be fun extras like a Charm Set and you’ll get the toys at a lower price if you use my affiliate codes! Use code ROCKET to get 15% off pre-made toys, UNIROCKET to get a free Black Friday Teaser Unicorn Horn with a purchase over $20 (if you’re in the first 25) and MINIROCKET to get a free set of Black Friday charms with any purchase over $20! 

Lust Arts sent me this toy for no charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Lust Arts!

The Maestro Review

In a sense, the Maestro is the first of its kind. It’s the first true suction cup dildo Marco has made; because even though the base of many toys was sticky, Uberrime’s toys did not have true suction cups. Another fun fact about this toy is: I was asked to name it! Yes, I was approached by Uberrime to name the Maestro, possibly because I’m such a loud mouth on Twitter. My choice of the Maestro was approved and later I was approached to review the toy itself. And I gotta say, I’m HONORED. But more than that, I’m delighted to have the Maestro in my vagina. It’s a toy that’s like a good historical fiction film: it has drama, subtlety, and a damned good suction cup. Well, okay, maybe films don’t have that last part. But we can all agree that they SHOULD.

The first thing that I want to mention about the Maestro is the silicone. Not only is it a beautiful color and finish, but the density! The density of the silicone is something that really sets this toy up for greatness in my opinion. Every time I hold the Maestro in my hand I’m struck by how MEATY this toy feels. Of all my current dildos, the Maestro is the one that feels the closest to a fully aroused penis in my opinion. Fully aroused cocks are hard; they might have a little give, but at 100% boner, they’re just not exactly very squishy. At shore 10, this silicone feels damned close to the feeling of a guy so aroused he could bend steel with his cock. Also, the dimensions of the Maestro are quite life like! At about 6.5 inches insertable and 1.67 inches in girth, it mimics an average penis dimensions nicely. Essentially, it feels just like a boner without committing too hard to looking realistic. For people looking for a nice firm fuck, this is where it’s at.

THE MAESTRO PRODUCT PHOTO
The Maestro Suction Cup dildo in all it’s blue and gold glory. Like a baroque painting in silicone.

When I first approached the Maestro, I’ll admit there was some trepidation regarding the prominent coronal ridges. In my previous review, the Element #2 also featured a pair of such ridges that caused discomfort, no matter my arousal level. So you’ll forgive me for approaching the dildo the same way a person tentatively approaches what may or may not be a king snake. By that I mean, I approached with caution, not that I was frantically trying to remember an extremely specific rhyme about snake coloration. But somehow, in spite of the fact that the Maestro is in fact more dramatic, I actually enjoy it. The popping feeling is minimal, and I love how the ridge pushes so insistently against my G spot.  When I thrust, it drags against my insides and the density gives my vagina something wonderful to clench around. Compared to another semi-realistic toy, such as The Vamp, the Maestro fairs far better in my vagina. Possibly because of the friendlier dimensions, but more likely because the design is more agreeable to my vagina.

Now how about that suction cup? Did Marco manage to pull it off? Well I’m delighted to announce: OH HELL YES. That is a suction cup that grips walls like a barnacle grips the outside of a ship. It clings with the same loving fidelity that a spandex suit clings to a superhero’s ass-crack. The Maestro was strong enough to be an auxiliary handle for my fridge and survived my furious slapping of the dildo. Yes, I slapped the dildo like a cat toy. What can I say? Sometimes you need a little stress relief and slapping a silicone dick is so satisfying that you do it between bouts of studying.

I’ve stuck the Maestro to my fridge, to my shower wall, to my head board and to my textured and painted wall. It’s stuck to all of them! The only things it hasn’t stuck to include: the cats, my partner’s forehead and my book bag. If the surface is smooth(ish) and flat, the Maestro will grip it like it like lover who never wants to let it go. The Maestro also gave me a new experience: my first hands-free dildo experience! I used the Maestro in conjunction with the Lust Arts Unicorn Horn and both suction cups were rock solid and gave me my first DP experience! It was a hot session, LET ME TELL YOU. While I was pretty tentative in my ride, I have no doubt that the suction cup would stand up to even more advanced users who were more active in their escapades.

So what else can I say about this dildo? I can tell you the Maestro comes in both one and two color pours, and all of them are beautiful. I can tell you it would be a delight to strap on with that length and prominent head. But mostly? I want to tell you to buy it. I want everyone to have the ability to bone down on their fridge or their shower or the wall of their cubicle. I want to see pornography centered around the Maestro. I want to see beautiful butch women pegging their partners with this cock and to see blowjob videos featuring this gorgeous piece of silicone. I love this toy and I wish to see it proliferate. It’s a RAVISHINGLY pleasurable toy, and everyone with a desire for penetration, hands-free or otherwise, deserves it.

Uberrime sent me this toy free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thank you Uberrime!

Discipline and Recovery

There is no way to say this in a way that doesn’t sound shameful. But I am an addict. To what you may ask? Well, it’s not to anything substance related. My weakness is for social media. The almost drug-like high feeling of seeing my followers retweet my work, the fun interactions, the browsing of media content, all of it is a rush for me. Heroin doesn’t hold a candle to the instant gratification of penning a tweet that gets likes. Seeing my blog do well gets me jazzed to the point of distraction. And I should be happy! But unfortunately, this gets in the way of the real crisis. As someone currently unemployed (having just quit my waitressing job), social media has been kneecapping my dreams.

By putting all my energy into my online presence, my real life situation has stagnated. I haven’t studied like I should for the tests I claim to want to take. My application for jobs lately is admittedly half-assed, wanting to just send in my resume without putting in the extra ten minutes to make it appealing to the actual employer. I can explain in part, that social media is something I’m good at and my deep fear of failure is crippling me. But of course, that just leaves the ugly solution staring me in the face. If not quitting cold turkey then at the very least highly structuring my online activity such that it doesn’t ever encroach upon my real life ambitions to such a degree ever again.

Social media is addictive to people like me. And when I say people like me, I mean people with executive dysfunction/ADD. A lot of bloggers struggle with mental illness, and I’m not any different. My struggle is one of self control, anxiety and maladaptive coping. I cope with my feelings of inadequacy and fear badly. Sometimes I get into funks where I don’t eat and don’t buy groceries because I feel stuck in my own brain. And the way I’ve been coping with this illness until now has been harmful to me and to the people who believe in me. And so something will have to change.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t painful to write this. As I think of it now, I’m ashamed to show anyone these words. It’s tempting to hide this post in a journal entry and forget about it. But I need to make a stand here and now to tell not just myself, but everyone that I’m going to discipline myself and recover. That I’m going to get my life on track and seriously pursue my ambitions and once again commit to putting in the hard work.

So what does this mean for this blog? Is this a fiery declaration of imminent shut down? Well no. I still believe this blog is important. It’s brought me into a wonderful world that I honestly believe has made me a better person. What it will mean is that I’ll be taking a much more structured and scheduled approach. I’ll be less active on my Twitter, being reachable there for just a portion of the day. I’ll set boundaries and deadlines and work on them in a way befitting of a professional. In short, this is not the end, merely a restructuring for the benefit of myself and others.

There is one note of brightness. I know I can do this. I have the most supportive friends and family I know. My partner loves me deeply and will help me get through this. I’m going to get better. For everyone who believes in me. My parents, my partner, and my friends all want me to succeed, and I haven’t been worthy of that support. Not yet anyway. But I will be working to be worthy of these people.

Tantus Vamp Grab Bag Review

Often when bloggers talk about silicone dildos, Tantus is in the same sentence. Tantus has been termed a pleasure pioneer, as it was one of the earliest companies to create entirely body safe dildos. Recently they had a sale, 40% off everything in the store, including their grab bags. Having long desired the Vamp, I could now justify getting it for myself since it was only $25 (and that’s with shipping) from the grab bag. I waited the week it took to get to me, wondering and worrying about my Vamp the whole time. But when the week was out and my Vamp finally arrived, I was delighted by what I received! Or at least I was initially.

The Vamp I received came in a shimmery purple with a slight hint of black in the mid shaft. If I had a strap on harness then I would wear this dildo for the sheer visual delight of seeing this cock swing between my legs. There’s no denying the Vamp is a looker. When I showed it to my friends I got several ‘ooohs’ and a couple of flustered remarks as I sent photos of the toy. Squeezing the toy in my hand, it definitely felt dense and meaty in my hand, though not as firm as some other toys I’ve gotten, such as the Ruse Jammy. I have reason to believe that I received, at least in part, the Super Soft density given that I could easily bend the toy in half. The regular firmness of Tantus silicone doesn’t permit such flexibility. While it lacks a curve or a prominent, jutting head, I thought the Vamp would perform admirably in my vagina.

VAMP GRAB BAG PRODUCT PHOTO
In a way, the Vamp did bite me.

Sadly it was not to be. The Vamp measures 7 inches in length and is 1.7 inches thick at the thickest point. This is a formidable toy that deserves respect. These dimensions had me drooling, as I love a good stretch. But something about the design just truly didn’t agree with me. The sulcus, the little dip of the retracted foreskin provided to be particularly painful. Something about it made me feel pinched and uncomfortable as I thrust the toy.

But more than the sulcus, the Vamp made my vagina feel oddly claustrophobic. I’ve taken the Jammy, a toy 2 inches thick and not felt that kind of claustrophobia. It was as though my vagina were gagging on the toy. At that point in the testing, I wished dearly that my vagina had the capability to spit so that I could expel the toy with the proper amount of derision. Using the Vamp became distasteful as I tried over and over again to make the toy pleasurable. As of now, the Vamp and I are taking a break. Perhaps at some point later in my life I’ll return to the Vamp and we’ll be a better fit, but until now, I’ve got better things to put in my cunt.

I purchased this toy with my own funds, I just wanted to tell you all about it. 

The Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator

If the Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator were a straight silicone dildo, this review would look different. I could talk about the fanciful design and fun color. I could talk about the appreciation I have for more established companies making playful designs. But this is overshadowed by one singular fact. That the Lush Hera is so weak that I can hear it more than I can feel it. And if you call yourself a vibrator, then you should probably be more perceptible on the skin than to the ears.

The first vibrator I was sent was slightly defective, and had I reviewed that one I probably would’ve been frothier since I literally couldn’t feel it. However, the people at Betty’s Toy Box were so perfectly wonderful to send me a replacement and this one was just perceptibly stronger. But sadly, that slight boost in strength didn’t amount to much because this vibrator is still tragically weak.

The Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator is a dark purple vibrator with a design akin to what I imagine would be a dragon cock in miniature. So perhaps a kobold cock? Perhaps. The silicone is soft and smooth, squishing just a little under a firm grip and betraying the rock hard vibrator guts. The Hera is modestly sized at 5.75 inches insertable and only 1.4 inches wide and runs on 2 AAA batteries.  The toy is splash proof, body safe and unfortunately? I don’t like it.

HERA PRODUCT PHOTO
The Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator is prettier than it feels.

Oh Hera. What have they done to you. You could’ve been a delightful, semi-fantasy dildo that I would’ve gleefully displayed to all three of my friends who can handle my enthusiasm with sex toys. But you were spirited away before they would let your true talents shine, and you were labeled a vibrator. And see, you weren’t meant to be one. That’s not where you excel. Asking you to vibrate is like asking Stephen King to write a nursery rhyme. He might of course, but that’s not his true talent. You don’t have the vibrations needed to wake up my clit, a veritable insomniac, let alone my narcoleptic G spot. So when I use you internally, I turn you off and use the Nocturnal actually. If The Nocturnal is the heavy metal scream of vibrators, you’re someone whispering from across the room. Forgive me for preferring your sibling.

Dramatic musing aside, I really can’t feel this vibrator on my clit, much less when it’s inserted. I lay the Hera on there, and after the initial ‘Oh there’s something vibrating on me’, it fades away. Internally, I’m left with a vague sense that there’s something going on in my vagina, but the texture during thrusting drowns out the feeling of the vibrations.

But even turned off and used as a dildo, the Hera falls short. The silicone gives a little squish, but those ridges covering rock hard vibrator guts make it abrasive, over textured, and uncomfortable to use. Not to mention that teeny weeny head doesn’t do anything for my G spot. This seems shocking given my love of the highly textured Lust Arts Mermaid, but the Mermaid also has a delightful squish to it. The Hera is as firm as any caricatured disciplinarian from the cartoons I used to watch and just as abrasive.

In all, I wish I had more positive things to say about this toy. This line has beautiful looks and playful designs, but I’m afraid the Hera fell flat for me. If you’re looking for a good vibrator, Betty’s Toy Box sells The Gaia Eco Vibrator, which has gotten high marks from fellow bloggers like Dangerous Lilly, or you can try the Exposed Nocturnal, which I love and fear in equal measure.

This toy was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Betty’s Toy Box!