There exists many different kinds of toys. There are the sucky ones, sure, and those are fun to write scathing reviews about and that you can gleefully bin once you don’t have to test the fucker anymore. Good toys are another category, the ones that make you sigh in relief as you reach for them to end a masturbation session made frustrating by the aforementioned shitty toys. Niche toys fulfill a certain need that you may not always have, like a particularly textured dildo or a VERY strong vibrator.

And then there are toys that rise above the rest as the very best of toys. They require little warm up, are nearly effortless in use, extremely versatile and, if you’re lucky, they’re also beautiful. Some contenders include: The We Vibe Tango, The VixSkin Mustang, The Lelo Mona and now…the Uberrime Splendid, which I dub the champagne of dildos.

splendid product photo
The Splendid looking lovely in the snow.

The Splendid is a toy that I believe will rightly join the ranks of these acclaimed toys. It is beautiful, pleasurable, effortless and versatile. It makes for hours long sessions of masturbation that soak my bed spreads and rob me of my full mobility after I’ve had ten orgasms consecutively. And I want to tell you all about it.

At 5 and half inches insertable and a maximum diameter of 1.67 inches, the Splendid sits solidly within the range of the average dildo user’s capacity. People looking for a slightly smaller toy might be disappointed by the dimensions, but I think it’s a fairly accessible size. The Splendid is a loose interpretation of a penis, with a bulbous head and prominent veins. But the gorgeous marbled color and chunkiness mean that it walks the line between fantasy and realism like a seasoned acrobat walking the tightrope; by which I mean it looks FANTASTIC. There’s a sort of cheeriness in the design that puts a smile on my face every time I look at it.

And while I am overjoyed to simply stop and stare at this magnificent dildo, the feeling of it inside my vag is what prompted me to write this review. The veins are prominent and easily felt as I push the Splendid inside of me. The manageable dimensions make this a dildo for all seasons, and I’ve used it when I’m on my period and when I’m bleed free all to the same result: simple and strong orgasms. Sliding it in is tactile heaven, with the closest comparison being lying down on a massage table and being worked over by strong and skillful hands. That bulbous squishy head nudges itself insistently against my G-spot, making clenching feel comfortably and eye-rollingly pleasurable. Thrusting, clenching, twirling and nudging the toy are all viable methods for pushing the Splendid’s gorgeously soft head against all the right internal spots.

The softness of the dildo is divine. Dual density is an amazing quality, and Uberrime NAILED IT. It’s soft enough to be gentle but has the firmness to stand up to my vagina. It’s squishier than The Maestro, a cousin of the Splendid’s, but still quite firm enough to do the job. I don’t know how Uberrime can make all of these silicone densities so goddamn delicious, but they do and I appreciate it. I want to stuff myself with the Splendid for hours at a time. The Splendid gives me an orgasm that makes me feel perfectly content and at peace with the world; it’s as if we solidified the feeling of curling up near a fire with a mug of cocoa while it’s snowing outside into a sculpture and then made that solid sculpture fuckable. It’s a truly AMAZING dildo and one that holds a place of honor in my nightstand.

Much has been said about the Splendid. The Big Gay Review rated the Splendid a perfect 10, Felicity of Phallophile Reviews loves it, and Epiphora loved it so much that she had a line of Splendids done up in her signature sea green color. This dildo has received something of a royal welcome in the reviewing community, praised by people of all pronouns for its delightful squish and pleasantly sized dimensions. I’m proud to be among one of the reviewers in christening this sex toy as the cream of the crop. Here’s to you Splendid, you beautiful squishy bastard! May you grace many more holes than mine!

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Uberrime!

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