I am laying naked on my bed, with the whirring tip of the Zumio buried in the fleshy folds of my inner labia near my clit. My eyes are sliding over the erotica I’ve picked out haphazardly, the careful and constructed sentences of literary fucking are almost ignored because of the intensity next to my clit. The sensation of the Zumio is intense and glorious; I find my eyes sliding in and out of focus at times and screwing up tight at others. It is powerful and squirm inducing this pleasure. I try to resist, try anything to not give in and cum too quick, but alas, a squeal stutters out of my throat and I feel my cunt flexing and squeezing in the rhythm of orgasm.

My boyfriend walks into the bed room to see me jerking off with what looks like a fabric gel pen pressed against my clit. He asks me “Is it good?”

I look up at him, my face pink.

“Fuck yeah it is.”

The Zumio is never a toy I expected to review. I had heard about it and knew several reviewers approved of it, but somehow I hadn’t really considered that I would ever own one. That is, until my shining star Kitten Boheme asked me if I wanted one. When I saw that Twitter DM I felt like she just nonchalantly asked if I wanted a platinum plated credit card good for infinite orgasms. Suffice to say, I said said yes. We traded details and jokes and hopes that I would like until it arrived.

When I opened it, I admit I knew what I was in for. The Zumio is kind of a weird looking toy. It’s shaped a bit like something I would expect from a Michael’s craft section, with a thick, gel pen body and a tiny whirly bit at the end. With a robust 8 speeds ranging from an intense ‘low’ to a ‘SOMEONE’S BLASTING MY CLIT WITH A LASER’ high, there’s been a variety of ways I can experience this. The Zumio also boasts an impressive use time of four hours on one charge but…it does take 16 hours to charge. So, pros and cons I guess. It charges in a neat way, in its own cup standing up right. And the Zumio is waterproof, which is kind of awesome, since cleaning the little thing would otherwise be a nightmare.

But I admit, I’m not thinking about how cool the Zumio’s charging mechanisms are or about how grateful I am that it’s easy to clean because its waterproof. At least, not most of the time. No, when I see it on my nightstand just hanging out, I’m thinking about the laser focused intensity that I can use to literally force myself into orgasm. Because the hype train is right, HOLY FUCK is it intense. The Zumio is my depression masturbation savior. It’s just what I need when my vag feels numb from depression or my period. The Zumio pummels my clit to orgasm and I’m just too happy to let it…over and over again. It’s easy to give and just use the Zumio solo, but when I can bring myself to put the Zumio aside long enough to lube up a dildo, it makes for a VERY satisfying session.

The way I’ve used the Zumio most often is I press it into my labia majora and can feel the stimulation through the fleshy parts of my vulva. The best speed of eight on the Zumio is the third one, it hits the sweet spot of ‘powerful enough to get me off quickly’ without being so extreme that it overwhelms my clit and makes me cry. In the spirit of trying off-label uses, I also tried putting the twirly tip inside the mouth of my vag to see if it would feel good. But the thrashing feeling was so weird that I gave up after just a few seconds. This is fine, the Zumio is a clit toy and doesn’t need to go inside me. I’ll also use this on my clitoral hood or on the shaft of my clitoris. The times that I’ve dared pull back my clit hood and put the Zumio directly onto my clit, I wanted to fucking scream. The sensation is so severe and overwhelming that I can’t bring myself to actually do it to myself for all that long. A few times, I even felt a kind of pain which scared me off doing that too often. Girly Juice mentions that this would be awesome for a forced orgasm scene and I’m inclined to agree. The only time the Zumio is coming directly in contact with my clit is if someone else is wielding it.

The Zumio is like the Deathwish of vibrators. A vibrator that kicks you in the ass and wakes you up with a zippy, severe and joyful sensation. It’s also like Deathwish in that not everyone is going to like it. For some people, this amount of stimulation is going to feel just devastating on their clit. And that’s fine! But for those of us who get a rush from the extreme, the Zumio might be just your cup of coffee.

This toy was given to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Kitten Boheme (go read her stuff, she’s hilarious!)

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