Anime, Drag Queens, Leather and The Internet: A Journey Through Gender

I’ve been thinking a lot about gender.  If you look around online, there are a lot of theories about gender and what it means and how to do it and express it. My conception of gender is that you are what you say and know yourself to be, but what does it mean to apply a label to yourself? I’ve often pondered what exactly I should call myself. My internal conception of gender has been changing, not to mention my outward presentation and my ideal aesthetic. Through virtual and real life means, I’ve been doing my best to explore who and what I am but…I’m not sure if this is ever going to be a process I’ll finish. Maybe I’m not supposed to finish.

My earliest memories of experimenting with gender were strictly in virtual spaces, since my mother strictly refused to entertain my notions of dyeing my hair a bright teal. I would often roleplay online as someone with a radically different look than I had, and I would select pictures of girls with dyed hair, facial piercings and tattoos to represent myself online. Sometimes, when I was feeling particularly daring, I would pick an anime boy to be my avatar and I would romance all of the other girls in the roleplay. Pretending to be someone who had the courage to experiment with their look was addicting, and I adored roleplays for the chance to explore the character I got to write. But I didn’t just try on new personalities and have cool supernatural powers; I got to try on new modes of gender expression. I would explore different fashions, aesthetics and new ways of being a woman (or a man!). Perhaps this love of trying on new identities has sparked my eternal admiration of the concept of shapeshifters. To this day, I still love writing, and I’ve learned to love it for it’s own sake. But there’s an especial sweetness to it when I get to be someone far more interesting looking than the basic athlete I was in high school and college.

Through the exploration of online spaces, I also began exploring my gender in reality through changing my own expression through fashion. One of my most recent purchases that I’m particularly proud of is my new leather motorcycle jacket. It is black, with beautiful silver hardware and a buckle at the waist and it gives me the sexiest biker look imaginable. When I slide into my leather jacket and pair it with my Doc Martens, I slide into a more comfortable version of myself. Wrapped in leather and flannel, I feel a pure aesthetic bliss. That thrill that I felt when I pretended to be an edgy anime girl online is something I get to feel now, but a thrill that’s based in my reality and presentation.

Gender-fuckery is something of a personal subject with me. I think I developed a particular love for androgyny and androgynously beautiful characters because I had a somewhat repressive household. Growing up in the South and in a white, conservative and Christian household, I had a lot expectations already put upon me for how I should look and act as a girl. These expectations were mitigated because I was an athlete, so I got to have some lee way when I cut my hair short or wore unfeminine clothing in the service of sport. But I didn’t fully escape the female beauty expectations. One of the more ridiculous examples was when my mom taped a sign to my mirror that read: “Don’t leave the house without eye makeup!”. The sign even had a little black and white clip art of an artfully made up eye. That sign didn’t exactly force me into wearing makeup, but I remember it very strongly.

Another instance was when I timidly suggested to my mother that I wanted to dress up as a male character from one of my favorite mangas. I remember feeling flutters in the pit of my stomach as I thought about binding the mosquito bites I called breasts. This conversation didn’t lead anywhere, and I didn’t end up cosplaying as a cute anime boy, but this notion of ‘cross-playing’ as it is called, stuck with me. After these timid gender mixing beginnings, I found myself drawn to drag and drag artists in a visceral way. I consumed all drag content with an all consuming appetite; from RuPaul’s Drag Race, to the classic To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, to the edgier alt scene of Dragula. I started following drag artists on Instagram, watching how people transformed themselves into a sensual and glamorous spectacle and I long for that. Watching drag artists love themselves so much and make themselves into art has been pushing me into more honestly embracing my own gender aesthetic. I know drag is a spectacle; it’s an illusion and a show, but it makes me want to try to bring a little sparkle of that into my quotidienne existence.

My long history with gender-fuckery and the slow evolution of how I relate to my gender has led me to question a lot of things. For a while, I explored the non-binary identity, trying it on to see if it would fit better than the strict confines of ‘being a girl’. I confided in a few friends that I didn’t ‘feel like a woman’, and I asked a few of them to refer to me with they/them and she/her pronouns, as well as by a chosen name. My friends, as wonderful as they are, had no problem adjusting when I asked this, and I couldn’t be more grateful to them for giving me the time and space to explore my gender. As I’ve grown, I feel that the label non-binary doesn’t really fit me as well as I’d hoped. I don’t know that I feel like the term ‘woman’ fully embodies my identity and mental landscape, so I’ll keep exploring my expression and how other people explain their gender to get a grip on these messy feelings.

Gender is messy. For me, it’s a slow process of aesthetic joy and frustration and trying to find terms that fit me best. Being online and having good friends gave me the space I needed to begin examining my presentation and altering it to suit me better. Even if you’re cis, I highly recommend taking the time to sit and think about why you do your gender the way you do. You might discover some surprising truths and come out of your exploration with a new mode of expression, or, a deeper understanding of why you love your aesthetic. I shared my story of anime and drag queens to show you how I’ve altered it over time. Now, I hope this inspires people to tell their own stories and start their own journeys of gender and expression exploration.

How would you describe yourself? How would you describe your expression and style? What’s your gender?

August Wrap Up: Ballin’ on a Budget

Partnered Life

My partner is home and we’re back to our regular sexual program! We’ve been adoring having one another back in the bed together.

Another thing that we’re delighting in is our coffee drinking lives. The partner and I have inherited a frankly astonishing espresso machine that is making our caffeinated lives blissful.

My partner and I also went to DragonCon! We didn’t stay long, just passed through but it was a delightful experience. I got a few souvenirs in the form of T-shirts with a gothic vibe.

Health and Wellness

I’ve felt in better spirits this month thanks to the return of my partner. I’ve started sleeping more regularly and feel fit to continue my work writing! With my depression eased, expect to see more posts around here!

I plan on writing consistently, as well as getting to bed earlier.

Turn ons and Toys

This month  I’ve managed to procure some truly astonishing toys at bargain prices! I’ve worked my deals and used black magic to find the Vixen Johnny in Single Density, The Jopen Comet Key Wand, and the Magic Wand Rechargeable all at different price points but all significantly below their normal purchase price. The highest I paid was $79, and that was for the Magic Wand Rechargeable

I’m also making September the Month of Magic! I’ll be reviewing all my fantasy toys. They are:

Turn ons this month have tended towards the voyeuristic and the exhibitionist. Sometimes I fantasize about walking in on someone masturbating and watching them go at it while I rub one out secretly. But often I fantasize about someone catching me masturbating and finding the sight so incredibly arousing that they can’t help but jerk off.

bratphomet casual

I’ve also been fantasizing so much about my demon fantasy (that I’ve mentioned previously) that I’ve commissioned a character to act out that fantasy! You’ve seen her on my Twitter and I’m formally introducing her now on my blog. Her name is Bellephagor, and she’s a Baphomet. Standing at 5’0″, she’s short but imposing. She’s also the Head of the Torture Department in Hell. Rumor has it that she’s known to sexually torment a lucky few sinners~. This makes me want to write a post about sexual exploration through art and living vicariously through characters. Do you think this would be a good idea? Let me know in the comments!

Misc.

Going to attend Sex Down South. Commissioning art of my new character, Bellephagor. Reading a series of witchy thriller novels. Starting up my daily writing. Drinking an Americano in bed. Watering my pet basil plant, Jeffrey. Switching between the Zumio and the Magic Wand Rechargeable whenever I fancy it. Buying toys on r/usedsextoys. Buying cute enamel pins. Going to a business party with my partner’s coworkers. Drinking honey beer. Watching the Dark Crystal and the Netflix Series it spawned. Marathoning the Rocky Movies.

Liz’s Summer Reading List

I miss summer reading. I know it’s a weird thing to say, most people hated reading for a grade. But I was always a teacher’s pet and I loved getting the book read. Now, I didn’t necessarily love the assignments that came along with the book, but I did enjoy poring over the volumes themselves. I’m now fully a year out of college and what am I doing with my downtime? I’m assigning myself some summer reading to edify myself. Oh hell yeah.

After a trip to the local Barnes and Noble, I’ve picked up quite the selection of books that I want to conquer this summer. If anyone wants to read along with me or is simply interested in what I’m doing in my downtime besides jerking off and writing, here’s what I’m reading:

Do I Make Myself Clear?

I am always looking for books to sharpen my writing skills. And I believe that I have. I’m paring my down my adverbs and honing my vocabulary to a keen edge so that I can write in a clear and evocative voice.

Girls & Sex

I grabbed this book not really knowing what it would be about, but picked up because it has to do with sex right? Yeah, okay that’s not the best reason to get a book but hey, it’s not a bad reason. After doing a little research, it looks like the author is examining today’s sexual landscape and the generational gap. Huh, this could be really fun to examine!

Dead Girls

I’m a fan of horror and I’m a feminist, so to find something that pings both of those interests is worth picking up. Dead Girls examines the pop culture trope of the murdered girl. The use of the murdered girl as a trope to bolster the stories of men is one that I’m excited to learn more about.

Pleasure Activism

I don’t believe I read enough work by women of color, so Pleasure Activism seems like an excellent place to get started. Pleasure Activism is a book written by a black woman about how we can use the erotic to empower ourselves and use it for social justice purposes. I’ve found the language a bit slippery for myself, but I’m going to keep trying and I’m sure I’ll eventually get through it. Wish me luck!

The Submissive

Listen, this is really just…smut. But listen, I have a very good reason for assigning myself smut! I know that 50 Shades Of Grey is trash, but this seems to be much in the same vein as 50 Shades, and I wonder if it’s better written. So I may end up having to get 50 Shades Of Gray to compare the two. Although, maybe they’re both trash. Anyway, got to get back to my VERY important summer reading!

Middlemarch

The last book on this list is a much vaunted classic, Middlemarch. In spite of hearing about it, I picked it up not really knowing what to expect. This is my densest read and it’s one I’ll need the most support to get through if I want to make it 100% of the way through my summer reading list. If I whine about this book on Twitter, please slap my wrist and tell me to slog on!

Gosh I can’t wait to actually sit down and get my reading done. What do you think of my list? What’s on your own summer reading list? Let me know in the comments!

May Wrap Up: Health, Heat and Home

Partnered Life

The 27th of this month marked one month of my boyfriend and I living together! We’ve finally gotten rid of all of our boxes and the place looks quite livable now. I’m in love with how bright this place is. We’ve made meals and had champagne here, so it’s truly become our place.

My boyfriend and I also had a vacation this month! We went to the Outer Banks and enjoyed some surf and sun. It was tons of fun, and I’ve collected many shells and sunburns from our trip. I highly recommend going there if you ever get the chance.

In addition to our beach trip, my boyfriend and I have also been out and about visiting my parents and my aunt. My aunt lives far out in the sticks, so we got to have a taste of country living. Donkeys brayed louder than I’d imagined they could; I held baby chickens who were cottony soft balls that scampered and peeped and I dangled my feet in an icy cold pool. I also had an exquisite Italian Cream Cake baked for my birthday. Simply glorious!

Health and Wellness

Well, this month was kind of tough on my health. I know it feels like I say that most every month, but this month has gifted me something new: a birthday scar! I have a little notch right between my eyes from firing a gun much larger than my petite size could handle. The kick back got me between the eyes and frightened my boyfriend. With luck my little scar will fill in, but if not, I’ll console myself by saying that it gives my face character.

The other major thing that happened this month, at least in the health department was dealing with my mother’s severe health crises. In the week after my birthday, my mother was in and out of the hospital and I flew back to make sure that she was alright and to be there for her. We don’t know why this happened to her; my mother has perfect health. But with medicine and a cautious recovery plan, it looks like my family and I can expect to see her recover.

Turn Ons and Toys

Well, when I wasn’t dealing with vacations or health crises, I did get a little horny. Here’s whats been on my mind and in my various orifices…

This month I’ve been a little erotically curious; I’ve been dipping my toes into more medical themed fetishes and anal play. I’m not always turned on by hot doctors giving me an exam, but something about May had me excited about getting finger fucked by a latex clad professional. I asked about this on Twitter and was welcomed by my people. So are rubber gloves a fetish unto themselves or merely a subdivision of the latex fetish. That might be something to examine in a later post…

I’ve made no secret of my desire to acquire knotted dildos, and XenoCat Artifacts has stepped up! I’ve gotten my hands on a GORGEOUS specimen called the Barghest. Given the pastel pinks and purples, I like to imagine this dildo is modeled off a pastel goth were-hyena girl who will knot me and dominate me. She’d be soft where I want her and hard where I need her and I realize I’m sounding more like a furry every minute.

The other toys I’ve been absolutely enamored of are the Zumio, which I got from Kitten (she’s amazing and HILARIOUS) and the Sensi from Uberrime which I reviewed here. One provides the most focused clitoral stimulation I’ve ever had, and the other provides effortless pussy-plugging pleasure. I’ll reviewing the Zumio soon enough, along with a few other adorable orange toys, but if you haven’t read my Sensi review, I’ll sum it up: IF YOU HAVE A VAG, BUY IT!

Miscellaneous

Getting farm fresh eggs. Washing a new and extremely soft blanket. Talking about book ideas with the boyfriend. Getting back to writing consistently. Getting books on sex and books on writing. Drinking my favorite San Pellegrino flavor. Making waffles with my boyfriend. Collecting seashells. Searching pet stores for ferrets. Returning books to the library. Slapping dildos suctioned to the wall. Complimenting my friend’s new look. Getting ready to start my new job. Becoming obsessed with the smell of lavender. Having slow, leisurely sex. Getting sandwiches from my new favorite café. Getting a coffee table. Sleeping with my boyfriend every night.

The Nasty Jacket Project

During the summer of 2018, I made a decision to pick up a denim jacket at a thrift store. That sparked a summer long project of collecting pins, patches and flair for my jacket to craft it into a perfect statement piece. During my search for the perfect assortment of pins and patches for this jacket, I found that there were a number of artists who made pins to signal some of my raunchier interests. While I can’t wear these pins out on a day to day basis, these pins have got me fantasizing about a new jacket. If I were to pick up a new denim jacket, I’d make it the Nasty Jacket. The Nasty Jacket would have only my NSFW flair on it, to let everyone know EXACTLY what I’m into and would make me look cute at the same time.

My Nasty Jacket doesn’t exist, but if I ever get the chance and some free time, here’s some flair I’d love to pin on it!

  • Shibari Enamel Pin by Twisted Jute
    • This is a kinda subtle pin for those of us who love rope bondage, but it’s still blatant enough to raise some eyebrows.
  • Banana Dick Pin by TheKinkyPeachShop
    • Look this pin is kinda goofy BUT it’s cute and it lets people know I’m interested in cock…and possibly interested in sucking cock.
  • Impact Play Merit Badge by Kinktionary
    • I love being spanked and the merit badge aesthetic is just PERFECT. I’d love to be gifted this pin from a dominant after weathering a potent impact play session.
  • Twisted Monk Enamel Pin or Patch
    • Either of these would work great for me since I’m a fan of Twisted Monk’s Rope kit. I still have my cotton rope set that I got in 2017 and my partner and have fond memories of tying me up in my dorm room.
  • Bruise Me by Cunning Linguist Co
    • The peach is adorable okay, and it lets my partner know that I want his hands all over my ass. I actually already own this pin; Cunning Linguist had a sale and I snapped it up immediately!
  • Monster Fucker Pins by Strange Bed Fellas
    • In addition to having some of the most GORGEOUS dildos (I am LUSTING over the Tyv, it’s such a handsome toy), this pin represents my love of monster boys and girls. Perfect for wearing when writing smutty Monster Prom fan fiction.
  • Love Bound Shibari Pin by Sugarbones
    • More rope bondage? More rope bondage. But this time in a pastel, cutesy aesthetic that suits me when I’m feeling more girly. I own the Babe With the Power pin already and I wear on my jacket all the time, so naturally I’d have to add Sugarbones to the Nasty Jacket.
  • Horny Enamel Pin by Sugarbones
    • I’m a little bit high libido, and this is a cute way to let people know. Also, it does have a little plausible deniability…so maybe I could wear it on my sfw jacket.
  • Slut Pin by Cutie Cult 666
    • Blatant and slutty but still super cute. Slut is one of the things I enjoy being called during sex, and pinning on my jacket would give me kind of a risky thrill. A little exhibitionist, a little bit quirky and completely cute.
  • BDSM Pin by Geeky and Kinky
    • Simple and to the point without being too dirty. This might be good for those of who are kinky and understated. I’m rarely understated, but I would wear to events that are sex positive but I’m not familiar with anyone there.
  • Kink Scout Patches by Threadmancer
    • While none of these are my kink, the scout aesthetic got me again ugh. What can I say? I wish there were more merit badge style kink pieces of flair!
  • Rope and Rose Patch by AnnaRoseIllustration
    • This is a classy way to flag bondage, and this list needed more patches. I can see this sewn onto the sleeve of my jacket, an elegant and kinky piece.
  • Cock Sucker Pin by Trash4Posers
    • Trash 4 Posers used to have a Cum Slut pin if I recall correctly, but it seems to be discontinued. All the same, I’m gunning to hone my blowjob skills and this is a good way to incorporate that into my flair.
  • Pervert Pin by L’Amour Propre
    • I got a custom ‘Nymphomaniac’ pin from L’Amour Propre a while ago, and it adorns my bag now! But unfortunately I’m still thirsty for L’Amour Propre so I’d snag this pin for the Nasty Jacket in a second.
  • Top Bottom or Switch Pin by New York Toy Collective
    • THIS PIN IS SO COOL. The ability to signal if I want to bottom or top is a really neat thing, and when I saw it I knew it’d be perfect for the NSFW version of my denim jacket.

This is a lot of flair for one jacket, but I just can’t help it. I love pins and flair, and I love kink, so blending the two together is going to create a jacket so bedecked in pins and patches that the denim will be almost invisible. It’s not a jacket I could wear on the daily, but something I’d admire in my wardrobe all the time.

What kinky flair have you seen? What would you put on your jacket? Let me know!

22 Achievements From 22 Years

Hey y’all! My birthday was just a few days ago and I’ve turned 23! I’ve been pretty productive as a 22 year old, and here’s what I’ve managed to accomplish.

  1. Graduated from university
  2. Moved in with my boyfriend
  3. Got a new job
  4. Started a sex blog
  5. Found my iconic fashion piece
  6. Fisted myself
  7. Finished ‘Come As You Are’
  8. Making friends in the blogger community
  9. Joined my first affiliate programs
  10. Bought my first collar and paddle
  11. Got on anti-depressants
  12. Wrote for thirty days straight
  13. Purchased my own boardgames
  14. Coached an adult fencing class
  15. Achieved double penetration with dildos
  16. Drank the strongest coffee in the world
  17. Wrote my first line of Python
  18. Appeared as a guest on a podcast
  19. Ran two successful Twitter giveaways 
  20. Reached over 2000 views on my blog in 2018
  21. Started the Monthly Fixation with the Trysexuals and earned badges
  22. Became a reviewer for SheVibe

I’ve accomplished quite a bit for someone my age, and I’m hoping I can accomplish more now! Here’s to Liz!

Sex by the Seaside

Note to literal minded readers: This is a joke and I hope it makes you laugh!

So you’re at the beach with your s/o and the two (or more) of you are feeling randy. You remember the jokes about sand in your crotch, so you wisely avoid having sex on the actual dunes. But then you start to wonder…what are my options for actual sex at the beach?

Well, I’m delighted you asked! I had a great deal of seaside sex this past weekend and I’m just burning to tell you all about it!

SEX BY THE SEASIDE
Ah the sea. Picturesque and the perfect place to get sand in your crotch.

1. Sunburn Sex

Ah sunburn sex. Perhaps the next most iconic type of sex at the beach aside from the sandy sex. You get back from a perfect day at the beach and you get ready to get down and dirty with your significant other when you realize something horrible. You’re both the exact same shade as freshly boiled lobsters. But don’t despair! There’s workarounds that’ll make this happen!

The first part is slathering the both of you in aloe to stop the burning. Be sure to lay down a towel so your sheets don’t smell like aloe or get stained! It’s like period sex, but with more unbearable skin burning!

Part two is all about delicate angling so that the two of you don’t touch each other’s burns. You might need to be creative depending on where your burns are, so some flexibility is required! Or if you’re a kinky sort, you can bring your burns into impact play for a new level of intensity! Bonus points if you peel each other’s sunburn as a form of aftercare.

And the final part of sunburn sex is setting a glacially slow, consistent pace. This is so you don’t accidentally jolt your partner and upset their skin! Spontaneity is out for sunburn sex, while awkward twister positions, borderline gratuitous aloe and meticulous planning with accompanying diagrams is in.

2. Cramped Shower Sex

The clever among us will realize that having sex in the shower while at the beach is absolutely the move! Cool water soothing burns, sand and sunscreen residue coming away, this sounds just perfect right?

Of course it does! All you have to do is wedge two bodies into your cramped shower at your rental place and then have at it. You might be kicking yourself for not bringing only water-based lube or struggling to position yourselves, but at least it’s better than gritty sand sex!

This kind of sexual experience isn’t exclusive to the beach, but the beach does put a bit of a spin on it. Some things you won’t get anywhere else such as: Noticing the ring of sand hanging around the drain, wondering if the brackish taste in your mouth is shower water or leftovers from the ocean and if your partner is noticing it when you kiss them, and keeping your caresses carefully off sunburns!

And now for our last, extra special version of beach sex:

3. Gritty Sheets Sex

For those of us who want an authentic, if somewhat milder beach sex experience, gritty sheets sex is for you. Achieving this is simple: if you exist at your beach rental and don’t remove every microscopic granule of sand, then it gets in your sheets! All you have to do is be a human who existed at the beach and then later has sex and you’ll experience that classic mild but not extreme discomfort of individual sand particles scraping against your back.

Now remember, this is just a taste of the myriad of seaside sexual opportunities! So much more is in store for you such as ‘Jellyfish Sting Sex’ and ‘Disappointing Beach Bro Sex’ and more beyond that! But now that you’ve got a taste of it, go forth and fuck!

April Wrap Up: Moving, Malaise and Morning Pages

Partnered Life

My partner and I have been in a trying time what with his graduation and us moving in together! With all these moving parts, we’ve been working to remain intimate, but we’re looking forward to the relief we’ll feel once we finally get unpacked! Right now, there’s currently a metric ass ton of boxes in our place. So most of this week we’ll be sorting through our stuff and trying to make our place more of a home.

In addition to this nonsense,  my boyfriend and I plan on christening the apartment by having sex as soon as we canI am delighted to finally have a new space and I will be moving into a safer neighborhood.

Also, I’ve learned the unfortunate reality of couples: if one of us gets sick, we both do. The night after my boyfriend’s last day of classes he got sick and I took care of him the next day. But then I ended up contracting the same sickness. I had a fever for a few days while we were moving and I felt just like a rotisserie chicken as we moved. Luckily I’m starting to recover and having some down time has let me get back to posting on this blog! I’m hoping to write twice weekly again as things calm down and we settle into a routine.

Health and Wellness

With both my boyfriend and I both sick, this section is again a little light. We both remembered the power of the power up potion: a tea made with lemon, ginger and honey and drank scalding hot. It’s our go to for sick days and it’s healthier than Gatorade.

In terms of mental health though, I’ve found doing my morning pages works wonders for my brain! Spilling out onto the page in the morning puts me in touch with my thoughts and feelings in a very tangible way. It also helps me recognize my goals. In fact, journaling is what made want to start my very own sex blog, so getting back into it is refreshing.

Also, I’ve been taking more time to sit and read books, which has proved to be very relaxing and helps me get to sleep. I’ve just finished Bird by Bird and The Artist’s Way and I’m on to reading How to Write a Novel in 30 Days as well as A Billion Wicked Thoughts and the novel Supermarket. And I finished listening to the first book in the Game of Thrones series, so I think I’m making a great deal of progress on my reading list!

Turn ons and Toys

I’ve been in LOVE with Uberrime’s Uberron. I’ve got both the A and the B for when I want a stretch (which is often). I’ve also been reading more porn than watching it, which is a refreshing change for me. I’ve found dommy scenes to be extremely hot, especially with spanking and fingering scenes. I want my boyfriend to bend me over his lap and go to town on my fat ass now. Maybe I could convince him to finger my ass too…

I’ve also been DREAMING about the Doxy I got from my pal SugarCunt! I’ve been looking for a powerful wand to bully my clit and I’m finally getting a Doxy! I’ve talked about wanting one before, but it’s only recently that I finally nerved up and got one! As soon as I get one in hand, I have no doubt it’ll be used for forced orgasm scenes, reviews and much more. I’ve got a backlog of dildo reviews, so having this sucker will be instrumental in my playtime as clit stim.

Also, I’ve been thinking about writing Avenger’s fanfiction ever since I went to see Endgame. Specifically, I want all of the male cast to get topped by the female cast. I’m a sucker for femdom and for guys getting the strap, so you may see some of that on my blog!

Miscellaneous 

Having a regular order at my favorite pizza place. Checking out books from the library and finishing them. Taking the window seat by the café and doing my morning pages. Petting my foster kitty. Discovering new cafés to eat at. Taking care of my sick partner. Watching kaiju films naked with my boyfriend in our new apartment. Making coffee. Telling my boyfriend about my kinks. Writing in a Moleskine journal. Bathing in my new tub. Talking to friends. Writing bad poetry.

Digital Filth: The Beginning

(An edit has been made in clarification with regards to a comment)

I was born in ’96, back when the internet was still getting its legs under it. Mostly, the internet was for Neopets, online Disney games, The Sherwood MMORPG, and a writing site that I can sadly no longer remember but where I first attempted writing a novel about dragons. As I grew older though, my body began to change…and so did my search history. I began with the most tentative of searches: the word sex typed into the Yahoo! search bar. I would look up definitions and masturbate to that, eyes feverishly running over fairly clinical descriptions of PiV. I would type ‘porn’ into the search bar and jerk off to the descriptions of porn videos, too afraid that my parents would find out if I dared to click the link.

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 2.00.24 PM
Thanks to the Way Back Machine, you can get an authentic feel of what teen Liz felt.

Later, becoming more adventurous, I actually dared click on some links to these searches. Little did I know that I was fated to discover that which western white men so love: hentai. I discovered a world of shiny-eyed heroines scream-moaning as a censored penis penetrated them, with gratuitous internal shots and depictions of semen spurting violently when the male lead ejaculated. Sometimes, if the heroine was a virgin, there would be a scene of blood streaming down her legs to show her innocence breaking. These first few scenes would begin my non-con fetish which persisted until my 20s, after which, the visceral distress became a squick rather than a turn-on. When I hit my 20’s, I realized I’d been getting off to some fucked up things because my upbringing had never given me a framework wherein a woman was allowed to enjoy sex without being ‘dirty’ except when she unwillingly enjoyed it. Once I realized this I quit cold turkey in favor of  openly consensual pornography. When I did have this fetish though, I would seek out pornography wherein there was degradation, non-consensual sex, and distress on the part of the heroine. I distinctly remember reading and re-reading the same Naruto fan fiction on DeviantArt because of it’s graphic depiction of sex. The female lead had her consent violated over and over again, but would eventually give in to the pleasure of being violated and orgasm. Teenage Liz found this depiction of sex extremely compelling, and it was only fear of being caught that prevented her from adding this first fic to her spank bank.

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You’re not allowed to critique my basic-ass Naruto ship

Having outgrown DeviantArt, Liz then moved to Tumblr, back in the day when it was still legal to be horny there. For years, Tumblr was where I got my more unusual porn. With just a few taps of the keyboard, I could view almost any kind of erotica. I jerked off to amateur videos of guys cumming in fleshlights, I read erotica with themes of sissification, and I hungrily read the porn comics featuring attractive monster boys. In essence, I became an erotic omnivore. I developed a taste for some more niche fetishes, and had passing dalliances with types of pornography that no longer turn me on. For example, I used to be very turned on by pregnancy porn, wherein the sexual recipient gets pregnant as a result of sex or otherwise insemination. But the pregnancy kink so often coincided with incest that I’ve not jerked off to it for sometime now. Incest is probably one of my primary squicks what with being from the south and having that disgust ingrained in me thanks to my parents.

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The art is by user @quailtea. I couldn’t find a way back for this, but this was one of my main sites for monster boy porn.

This brief vignette of my sexual development all serves to explain this: that thanks to the internet, sex and sexuality have evolved. For more than a month now, I attempted to synthesize a piece connecting sexting, erotic roleplay, Gaian kink culture, sexting chatrooms and erotic fan fiction to no avail. All of these elements were vital to my sexual development, but they would not stick together as a cohesive piece. So instead dear readers, I present to you my newest series: Digital Filth. This series will be a rambling dive into the corners of online sex and erotica with a wide range of subjects. It’s an exciting ride and I hope you join me as we explore!

 

March Wrap Up: Cafés and Crazy Karate TV Shows

Whew! This is a little bit late, but here’s what I was up to in March!

Partnered Life

The boyfriend and I are in the process of moving! We’re going to be moving in together and finding a place has been exhausting. We’ve seen at least six apartments and we’re also looking at townhouses, so it’s a long journey.

I’ve also introduced my boyfriend to a goofy show called ‘Into The Badlands‘. There’s some influence from old karate movies, so the fight scenes are ridiculous. My boyfriend has to start drinking before he can enjoy the show and he can only watch ten minutes at a time. I like it a good bit more since I find it funny and uplifting despite the over the top fight scenes. It’s nice to have a bit of escapism. Breaking Bad is the other show we watch, but we mostly refer to it as ‘Depression’. Ex: ‘What do you want to watch tonight hun?’ ‘How about some depression?’ ‘Excellent.

In addition to Betrayal, the Rocket Science couple has acquired a new board game: Settlers of Catan and its respective expansions. Many is the night where we’ve bickered over the trading and cussed at each other for getting cut off in our territorial expansion.

The Rocket Science couple has also developed a fierce and abiding love of dumplings. We’ve been frying up huge batches of them when we want something quick. Our favorites are the pork and chives fillings. Also, I often grab a box of mochi for our dessert!

Health and Wellness

Since I’ve been coaching more often, I’ve noticed my fitness improving! However, my sleep schedule of late has been down the drain. Going to bed past midnight most every night has left me lethargic and with little appetite for sex or masturbation until well in the afternoon! And the shortening of my days has me cranky.

I’ve been doing fairly well on my new prescription of anti-depressants, though I have noticed a slight lowering of libido. With my ultra ADHD brain though, it’s been difficult to take it consistently. Here’s hoping I can rectify that!

Soliciting any sleep tips from my wonderful blog squad!

Turn Ons and Toys

The Exposed Nocturnal is a perennial favorite. I used it this month during sex with my boyfriend and it was amazing. Apparently he could feel the vibrations while he fucked me, which was awesome! I’m hoping to get a wand vibrator to put it in the mix. I’ve been lusting after the new Doxys so I’m hoping I might get tapped to review them! That or I suppose I’ll save up and purchase that DREAMY red #3.

I’ve been fantasizing a lot lately about being a demon torturing a sinner, and it’s found its way onto my Twitter in the forms of horny musings. I wish I could be a demon tormenting a sinner! I’d make my sinner do cardio, cracking them across the ass with the crop if they weren’t running fast enough. This probably came about from me reading the Love in Hell manga. Although, I also want to be the sinner being tortured by the demon! I ended up writing out a torture scenario in my daily writings…maybe I’ll post it sometime?

In addition to this, I’ve also fantasized about being a mean girl domme. I want to be the cheerleader captain bullying one of the other girls in school in a sexy way. I even thought of a way to use croquet mallets and dildos in a scene reminiscent of the classic Heathers film. Heather Chandler is an icon forever and always and while I don’t often wish I were her, I sometimes want to inhabit her role now and again.

Miscellaneous 

Reading ‘Sex Outside the Lines’ and penning snarky tweets about it. Discovering a new café to write in. Re-visiting an old anime roleplay website for research. Playing Catan until late at night. Getting compliments on my jacket. Talking to sex toy makers that I adore. Forming friendships with other bloggers. Listening to A Song of Ice and Fire on my way to a job interview. Drinking almond flavored coffee with my boyfriend. Holding a ferret. Finding a new matte pink lipstick. Laughing so hard I cry. Eating too much butter cake. Making plans to go to sex conferences.