Digital Filth: The Beginning

I was born in ’96, back when the internet was still getting its legs under it. Mostly, the internet was for Neopets, online Disney games, The Sherwood MMORPG, and a writing site that I can sadly no longer remember but where I first attempted writing a novel about dragons. As I grew older though, my body began to change…and so did my search history. I began with the most tentative of searches: the word sex typed into the Yahoo! search bar. I would look up definitions and masturbate to that, eyes feverishly running over fairly clinical descriptions of PiV. I would type ‘porn’ into the search bar and jerk off to the descriptions of porn videos, too afraid that my parents would find out if I dared to click the link.

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 2.00.24 PM
Thanks to the Way Back Machine, you can get an authentic feel of what teen Liz felt.

Later, becoming more adventurous, I actually dared click on some links to these searches. Little did I know that I was fated to discover that which western white men so love: hentai. I discovered a world of shiny-eyed heroines scream-moaning as a censored penis penetrated them, with gratuitous internal shots and depictions of semen spurting violently when the male lead ejaculated. Sometimes, if the heroine was a virgin, there would be a scene of blood streaming down her legs to show her innocence breaking. These first few scenes would begin my non-con fetish which persisted until my 20s, after which, the visceral distress became a squick rather than a turn-on. I would seek out pornography wherein there was degradation, non-consensual sex, and distress on the part of the heroine. I distinctly remember reading and re-reading the same Naruto fan fiction on DeviantArt because of it’s graphic depiction of sex. The female lead had her consent violated over and over again, but would eventually give in to the pleasure of being violated and orgasm. Teenage Liz found this depiction of sex extremely compelling, and it was only fear of being caught that prevented her from adding this first fic to her spank bank.

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 2.04.15 PM
You’re not allowed to critique my basic-ass Naruto ship

Having outgrown DeviantArt, Liz then moved to Tumblr, back in the day when it was still legal to be horny there. For years, Tumblr was where I got my more unusual porn. With just a few taps of the keyboard, I could view almost any kind of erotica. I jerked off to amateur videos of guys cumming in fleshlights, I read erotica with themes of sissification, and I hungrily read the porn comics featuring attractive monster boys. In essence, I became an erotic omnivore. I developed a taste for some more niche fetishes, and had passing dalliances with types of pornography that no longer turn me on. For example, I used to be very turned on by pregnancy porn, wherein the sexual recipient gets pregnant as a result of sex or otherwise insemination. But the pregnancy kink so often coincided with incest that I’ve not jerked off to it for sometime now. Incest is probably one of my primary squicks what with being from the south and having that disgust ingrained in me thanks to my parents.

Screen Shot 2019-04-19 at 2.13.23 PM
The art is by user @quailtea. I couldn’t find a way back for this, but this was one of my main sites for monster boy porn.

This brief vignette of my sexual development all serves to explain this: that thanks to the internet, sex and sexuality have evolved. For more than a month now, I attempted to synthesize a piece connecting sexting, erotic roleplay, Gaian kink culture, sexting chatrooms and erotic fan fiction to no avail. All of these elements were vital to my sexual development, but they would not stick together as a cohesive piece. So instead dear readers, I present to you my newest series: Digital Filth. This series will be a rambling dive into the corners of online sex and erotica with a wide range of subjects. It’s an exciting ride and I hope you join me as we explore!

 

March Wrap Up: Cafés and Crazy Karate TV Shows

Whew! This is a little bit late, but here’s what I was up to in March!

Partnered Life

The boyfriend and I are in the process of moving! We’re going to be moving in together and finding a place has been exhausting. We’ve seen at least six apartments and we’re also looking at townhouses, so it’s a long journey.

I’ve also introduced my boyfriend to a goofy show called ‘Into The Badlands‘. There’s some influence from old karate movies, so the fight scenes are ridiculous. My boyfriend has to start drinking before he can enjoy the show and he can only watch ten minutes at a time. I like it a good bit more since I find it funny and uplifting despite the over the top fight scenes. It’s nice to have a bit of escapism. Breaking Bad is the other show we watch, but we mostly refer to it as ‘Depression’. Ex: ‘What do you want to watch tonight hun?’ ‘How about some depression?’ ‘Excellent.

In addition to Betrayal, the Rocket Science couple has acquired a new board game: Settlers of Catan and its respective expansions. Many is the night where we’ve bickered over the trading and cussed at each other for getting cut off in our territorial expansion.

The Rocket Science couple has also developed a fierce and abiding love of dumplings. We’ve been frying up huge batches of them when we want something quick. Our favorites are the pork and chives fillings. Also, I often grab a box of mochi for our dessert!

Health and Wellness

Since I’ve been coaching more often, I’ve noticed my fitness improving! However, my sleep schedule of late has been down the drain. Going to bed past midnight most every night has left me lethargic and with little appetite for sex or masturbation until well in the afternoon! And the shortening of my days has me cranky.

I’ve been doing fairly well on my new prescription of anti-depressants, though I have noticed a slight lowering of libido. With my ultra ADHD brain though, it’s been difficult to take it consistently. Here’s hoping I can rectify that!

Soliciting any sleep tips from my wonderful blog squad!

Turn Ons and Toys

The Exposed Nocturnal is a perennial favorite. I used it this month during sex with my boyfriend and it was amazing. Apparently he could feel the vibrations while he fucked me, which was awesome! I’m hoping to get a wand vibrator to put it in the mix. I’ve been lusting after the new Doxys so I’m hoping I might get tapped to review them! That or I suppose I’ll save up and purchase that DREAMY red #3.

I’ve been fantasizing a lot lately about being a demon torturing a sinner, and it’s found its way onto my Twitter in the forms of horny musings. I wish I could be a demon tormenting a sinner! I’d make my sinner do cardio, cracking them across the ass with the crop if they weren’t running fast enough. This probably came about from me reading the Love in Hell manga. Although, I also want to be the sinner being tortured by the demon! I ended up writing out a torture scenario in my daily writings…maybe I’ll post it sometime?

In addition to this, I’ve also fantasized about being a mean girl domme. I want to be the cheerleader captain bullying one of the other girls in school in a sexy way. I even thought of a way to use croquet mallets and dildos in a scene reminiscent of the classic Heathers film. Heather Chandler is an icon forever and always and while I don’t often wish I were her, I sometimes want to inhabit her role now and again.

Miscellaneous 

Reading ‘Sex Outside the Lines’ and penning snarky tweets about it. Discovering a new café to write in. Re-visiting an old anime roleplay website for research. Playing Catan until late at night. Getting compliments on my jacket. Talking to sex toy makers that I adore. Forming friendships with other bloggers. Listening to A Song of Ice and Fire on my way to a job interview. Drinking almond flavored coffee with my boyfriend. Holding a ferret. Finding a new matte pink lipstick. Laughing so hard I cry. Eating too much butter cake. Making plans to go to sex conferences.

Fiction and Reality: Coping Mechanism or Not?

CN Warning: Mentions of non-consent as fiction discussed below

Today I had some complicated thoughts regarding fiction and its place in our lives. And how it can affect reality. My specific thoughts were regarding taboo topics like pornography with themes of non-consent and other taboo, illegal or violent themes. Honestly I ought to cut and paste from my FB chats with my boyfriend what exactly I think, but I’ll honestly try to reproduce my thoughts here in this blog post.

I think people broadly fall into two camps whose main axioms run thus: The first group believes that fiction is a safe place for individuals to explore things they would not do in reality. The second group believes that fiction can and often does affect reality and has consequences because of human interpretation and experience. Many arguments are made that because a work is ‘just fiction’ that it ought not to be taken as a guide or even and endorsement of the activities that take place therein. And that’s fair enough. Many who have suffered real life traumas also use fiction as a coping mechanism. For example, a survivor of rape might create a work of non-con erotica in order to re-contextualize and reclaim their experience that they suffered. I believe that this a valid strategy provided that the individual is, to the best of their knowledge, using this as a way to cope without re-traumatizing themselves. However, I also believe that same work could have drastically harmful effects on another survivor who sees their experience of rape being eroticized. Not to mention, people who would like to or are in reality rapists might find such erotic work validating and normalizing. A survivor’s attempt to cope with their experience could very easily damage another survivor and validate a rapist who takes the work of fiction to be an endorsement of their actions.

It’s not like I don’t understand the argument for fiction being an exploratory space. I totally and completely understand that someone might create a raw, violent and intensely emotional piece of fiction in order to cope with past traumatic events. I think having pieces of fiction that allow us to explore and work through traumatic events is incredibly valuable. Furthermore, there’s some evidence to suggest that survivors can ‘re-write’ their traumatic experiences by re-enacting them differently. But other evidence suggests that some people can be re-traumatized by the same material, so the situation remains sticky as ever.

The first solution most people argue to the problem is to tag such works with appropriate things that denote the content. I would agree that tagging things so that survivors who want to engage in catharsis via their preferred method can do so, while allowing those wish not to see it to avoid it by black-listing or otherwise avoiding that tag. However, you have to wonder if by flagging it, you’re also making the material easily searchable for rapists and pedophiles and what have you who find the work encouraging and validating. Now you have an easily searchable database full of your preferred taboo, and no one can criticize you if you claim to be a survivor. It’s so skull-splittingly hard to determine people’s motives and the truth online, and even in real life. Who knows why someone clicked on your non-con pornography? Maybe it was a survivor looking for catharsis? Or perhaps someone looking to indulge a kink they would never consider acting out in real life? Maybe it was a rapist looking for pornography to jack off to. It’s really impossible to know what someone behind the other end of your screen thinks.

One of my thoughts today was if there ought to be a website which is entirely run by survivors who would like to have their work accessible to others. It would need to be very explicitly run by survivors and have some kind of disclaimer on the front page that might read: “By clicking on this, you understand that the work hosted here is made by survivors who wish to create something by which they can reclaim and control their experiences. By consuming this content, you understand that the creator does not endorse the events depicted. Furthermore, by consuming this content, you agree that you will not use this content in such a way as to promote or perpetrate the acts or events that are depicted in these works. To re-post these works outside of this context constitutes a violation and a subsequent banning from this site, as removal of the context will vastly change the meaning of this work and make it a damaging force to survivors who wish not to interact with works of this nature.” I think such a disclaimer would adequately communicate the intent of a website, but as I stated it above, when you create a work and make it available to view, you invite anyone to view it for any reason.

Ultimately, I suppose that I believe people should be able to do as they like with their personal fiction. But I further believe that a lot of the works with the themes mentioned above might not be suitable for a wider viewing audience because of the potential for harm.

What are your thoughts on fiction that portrays violence or taboo themes?

 

February Wrap Up: Silicone Sucking and Sickness

Partnered Life

Ah Valentine’s Day. I spent it cooking and fretting over my boyfriend. While I did make the best potatoes I ever made, my boyfriend came down with a fever. So we mostly crashed and watched stuff on TV. I made him a health potion with lemon and honey and boiling hot water and had one myself to boost my vitamin C levels. Then we slept under a weighted blanket.

My partner and I also started watching Breaking Bad since I’ve never seen it. I know I’m behind the times but I usually am. Maybe I’ll get around to watching She-Ra someday…until then I’m watching back episodes of Better Call Saul, Goliath and Breaking Bad.

We’ve also discovered that Lazy Dog is one of THE BEST sex positions for us. He just lays on me for a while after he cums and it’s fantastic. Sometimes we’ll roll over to spoon with his cock still inside of me after a creampie and we just spoon while his dick softens inside of me. It’s intensely intimate and erotic and probably one of my most favorite things that we do sexually. Feeling someone go soft inside me is a really unique sensation!

I’ve also gotten back into giving my partner oral. Blowing him while he watches a show on Netflix is kinda one of my favorite things. I love it as a form of foreplay or as an event all of its own!

Health and Wellness

This month I went in for some routine testing, which I detailed in my previous post. It pretty severely impacted my stress levels and libido such that it was a hard month for me to get any testing done. However, now that those issues have been resolved, I’m fully back into the swing of things!

My boyfriend and I also made an amazing financial decision: we purchased a weighted blanket! It’s supposed to help lower stress by activating the parasympathetic nervous system which then puts you into ‘rest and digest’ mode which is better than our sympathetic nervous system or ‘flight or fight’ mode. We’ve both noticed lowered stress levels under it and better sleep due to the blanket.

I started a course of anti-depressants, a low dosage. I’ve noticed that I’ve had a lower libido initially, but as I’ve gotten used to the medication, I’ve noticed a return in my nymphomaniacal sex drive. It’s amazing wanting penetration again after a whole month of feeling like I had numb or locked up genitals!

I’ve also started a period tracker app! I’ve recorded the whole month in the app so far and I plan on reviewing it later. I use Clue and I find it really useful for tracking more than my cycle, I can use it to record my sexual life, my weight and my sleep habits! Collecting data about all of this is really fascinating. I also realize I need to improve my sleep schedule.

Also, I’ve noticed I’ve started feeling way more positive now since I’ve been working out more regularly! I know I advocate a lot for exercise, I should remember to do it myself! It has so many benefits (and post workout sweaty sex is incredibly hot).

I don’t know where else to put this, but I wanna let everyone know that I did just finish Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and I LOVE IT. It’s not the typical sex manual describing acts that will mechanically get a person off. It describes sexual psychology, gives concrete examples and made me feel more at home in my body. I now want to look up some G-spotting manuals and see if I can learn to squirt and I desperately wanna read more sex lit! That and I’d love to read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.

Turn Ons and Toys

It’s not a toy, but I did get a one month porn subscription to Lust Cinemas. The films have been MAJORLY hit or miss. My Roommate’s Toy and Dirty Doctor were very hot, featuring the glorious Pure Wand in all its gleaming glory. There were moans and . Pouring Pleasure and My First Time Eating Oysters and Pussy were both kinda boring and didn’t show enough of the labia.

I’m really fascinated by thick and knotted toys this month. XenoCat’s Barghest and Primal Hardwere make knotted toys that are just to DIE for. Also, HodgePodge Entourage made a jawbreaker-esque Changeling that made me SALIVATE. Would that I could own it! I’m also fascinated by the new Magic Wand…I’m going to get my hands on it!!

I’ve also been sucking on the Fuze Major, an uncut dildo that has been on my mind, and in my mouth and vag. Also! It’s oral season for the Monthly Fixation, so dildo blowjobs are thematically appropriate no?

Miscellaneous

Having friends over to play Betrayal. Wearing ultra glittery highlighter on days I’m most definitely not getting laid. Getting donuts after getting my blood drawn. Celebrating my false positive diagnosis. Explaining the gas-and-breaks metaphor to my partner. Drinking half a bottle of white wine and then tipsily declaring my love to partner.

January Wrap Up: Cuddling, Cold, and Cute Dildos

Let’s kill this cold month and get outta here y’all, it literally feels like January 78th. I’m tired of it being freezing and also January. One of these things will happen, though I don’t anticipate it getting any warmer soon! So what have I been up to…

Partnered Life

My partner and I are incorporating Deep Pressure Therapy into our cuddling and physical intimacy. My partner and I have been under a lot of stress this month regarding employment and making big life changes in the coming future. After reading about deep pressure therapy, we tried it the low cost way. By which I mean, I laid on top of my partner like a 105 lb. girl shaped blanket for a half hour. The combination of skin to skin contact and pressure was incredibly soothing. We switch off being each other’s human blankets and it’s a great low effort form of intimacy. It’s perfect for when you want to be physically intimate with your partner but one or both of you isn’t in a good head space for sex (or perhaps, one or both of you just doesn’t want to have sex).

We’ve started watching Freeman’s Mind, a YouTube series that’s about what goes on in Dr. Freeman’s mind as he fights his way out of Black Mesa. Confession: I’ve never played Half Life. But I still really enjoy this YouTube series. It’s tightly written, comically violent and very irreverent. It’s sort of my go to brain popcorn when I’m with my partner. Many are the evenings where we both crawl onto the couch and feel beat up, so putting on Freeman’s Mind and clapping along to the intro is something that makes us both feel relaxed.

Earlier this month I bought and played a board game called Betrayal at the House on the Hill. My boyfriend and I love boardgames so fucking much. I bought this at Hobbytown over the holidays and we both love it to death. We only wish we could get our other friends to play it with us. I like that it functions like DnD lite and is slightly more accessible. It takes up to six people to play, has 50 scenarios, and it spooky enough for my horror inclined tastes.

Health and Wellness

In the best interest of my body, I’ve started eating more regularly and being more mindful of my health. I have a breakfast menu now which is essentially just: oatmeal with granola, a cup of coffee and a banana with chunky peanut butter. It’s inexpensive, decently healthy and filling. Great for recovering all the weight I lost over the holidays!

I’ve also started a nightly ritual that includes journaling, closing down all my screens, drinking two glasses of water and meditating. I haven’t been keeping it up every night, but I’ve noticed that I’m starting to fall asleep earlier! Success!

Maybe it’s from watching Jenna Marbles, maybe it’s from all the articles about how harmful the meat industry is, but I’ve been sort of gravitating to vegetarian/vegan food options. I’ve also noticed that it’s less expensive in a lot of ways and that you can make big batches of food and just eat off that for a week. I like that a lot. I also liked the vegan dumplings I had just the other day. FUCK THEY WERE GOOD.

Possibly because of stress (almost certainly because of stress), I’ve lost a lot of flirty energy in my life. Most of my texts have been some variation of ‘wanna cuddle?’. Which is perfectly valid, but I miss the teasing, exciting nature of flirtation. I wanna freshen up my flirting landscape

Turn ons and Toys

This month was stressful, but there were still some sexy aspects to it. This month has included a bunch of stuff like…

I’ve been super into dildos with foreskin lately. Something about the foreskin just is such a turn on, especially if the dildo is already girthy. I’ve been eyeing the Changeling from Hodgepodge Entourage (I won a dildo from them, the Sylph model). I also like the look of the Leviathan from Dread The Empire.

Nipple clamps are something I love aesthetically but historically haven’t enjoyed when they’re on my physical body. I have been trying so hard to like the nipple clamps I got from Tantus a while back. They still hurt so fucking bad.

This month I got sent a realistic dildo (review to come!) and I immediately tried it in my harness. Wearing a realistic dildo in my harness and jacking off in the mirror was both hot and an out of body experience. I really did wanna fuck that girl in the mirror.

I also discovered how intense my come fetish is. Know it’s a fantasy, but the idea of being absolutely showered in semen is super hot for me. I’m thinking of writing some erotica around it. Or maybe a Cryptokink since I don’t see anyone talking about the inflation fetish.

Mini-vibes have saved my masturbating life. With the Tri-It or the Exposed Nocturnal pressed against my clit, I can get off without a whole lot of effort. Also the controls are fucking great on these and I can easily adjust the intensity, perfect for trawling for pornographic fanfiction.

When my boyfriend and I DID have sex, we used the Butters as lube. Partially because it’s a great lube and partially because it was the easiest lube to access. It was on the nightstand while the Sliquid was in the drawer and my boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to open a drawer. Not that I’m complaining, I fucking love the Butters.

Miscellaneous 

Frying vegan dumplings for the first time. Filling the bird feeder. Spending lots of time cuddling with my boyfriend. Watching Sex Education. Playing dumb card games in a tent in the freezing cold. Recovering from trauma. Putting on eye and cheek glitter to feel more human. Buying cute underwear. Making Valentine’s Day plans. Walking to a donut shop. Working out for the first time in a while. Sending ab pics.

 

 

Sex Blogger Collaboration Ideas 2019

  • Strap On Make Over: You know in those chick flicks where our (usually female) protagonist goes to the mall and tries on a bunch of different looks and walks the catwalk? I want that but with a variety of strap ons and dildos. I want a strap on fashion goddammit. I want lots of cute people trying on new looks! Bonus points if you come up with a name/aesthetic theme for your look!
  • Dildo Telephone: Or sex toy telephone. Someone sketches a picture of a sex toy. Then passes it off to the next person who re-interprets the sketches and passes it to the next person down the line. NATURALLY no one sees anything other than the toy they are supposed to re-interpret. LET’S SEE HOW WEIRD LOOKING IT GETS.
  • Blog Switch: Pretend to be another blogger! Ex: Kitten Boheme attempts to write as Phallophile Reviews, Phallophile might review as Backwoods Bedroom and so on. Readers are invited to guess who’s who!
  • Blind Swap: Exactly what it says on the tin: box up a toy and send it to your chosen reviewer, and no one gets to know what it is other than a vague hint! This would be limited to dils, vibes and plugs cause clothing swap would be a bit complicated!
  • Photo Finish: A theme is announced and everyone has to interpret that theme via photography! The theme will be really vague and non specific like a collection of words ex: ‘midnight, neon, sleazy’ or a sufficiently vague phrase: ‘A cold morning in April’. Post em up and lets see what everyone came up with!

Rocket Girl’s Tips for Surviving Anxiety

There’s no easy way to talk about the details of anxiety. It can be nasty and embarrassing to talk about. For some of us, anxiety makes us bite our nails, makes us too anxious to move or shower, and can even prompt GI distress in the worst kind of way. For me, my anxiety makes it so that my appetite turns off…completely. Given a stressful enough event, my appetite can be turned off for a few days at time even. With my body producing cortisol and with no food or rest from anxiety, the effects of stress can wreak unadulterated havoc on my body. Fortunately, I’m slowly learning to deal with the effects of stress and I’m passing on my tips to you.

  1. When you can’t eat, something is better than nothing: Listen, if you feel anxiety like this, full meals might not be in the cards for a while. Especially balanced and healthy ones. You might not have the energy to cook a full meal. However, nutrition is important and at this point, eat anything your body wants/will accept. At this point, you’re just looking for calories. Candy, fast food, anything is on the table so long as you can get something down so you can get your strength back.
  2. Stay hydrated: In the grips of an anxiety spell, try very hard to stay hydrated even while your eating is out of whack. Water and herbal teas are best because they won’t dehydrate you, but anything will suffice so long as your having plenty of it. Not having fluids WILL make you feel worse, and as an added feature, peeing will feel REALLY uncomfortable because it’s more concentrated.
  3. Practice whatever hygiene you can: Sometimes you just don’t want to go through the whole rigamarole of cleaning yourself. That’s fine! If you can put on some deodorant or splash your face then do it. If you can keep in the habit of brushing and flossing then you’re already on the right track. Your hair can be greasy. Your make up can be smeared or flaking off. But try to muster the strength to do little things like brush and floss to care for your health. I find that swishing mouthwash in my mouth helps when I can’t be bothered to uncap my toothpaste.
  4. Slowly reintroduce food: If you go for a few days having eaten very little, don’t try and rush back into full meals. Breaking your calorie intake in a bunch of small meals will make it easier on your stomach. Pick some things you enjoy eating and have them in small amounts throughout the day to get your body used to eating again.
  5. Exercise: I know, I know. It seems kind of ridiculous to suggest exercise again like it’s some kind of cure-all. But it has a lot of good effects and I really recommend even quick walks. It’ll help your body feel better by producing endorphins and I find that it regulates my appetite.
  6. Get a screen dimmer app: Anxiety can make it hard to sleep. What can aggravate this even more is the blue light from screens. One way to help with this is getting something like F.lux that dims your screen as the sun goes down. It saves your eyes and has helped me go to bed earlier because the orange light is a) ugly b) doesn’t strain my eyes and c) doesn’t trick my body into wakefulness.
  7. Journal: Writing can help you process your feelings. By confronting your feelings on the page, you can sort of kick start the recovery process. I’m not saying that it’ll always help, but a private space where you can scream and be dramatic without getting any of the neighbors upset is incredibly therapeutic for me.

I’ve been in the grips of a bad spell lately, and I’ve just managed to dig myself out thanks to the love and support of my friends and family. With love and patience, I’ve been able to get the gumption to post again and I’m extremely grateful for that. And also? Happy New Year! LOOKING FORWARD TO MORE OF ME?! CAUSE I AM.

Liz’s Christmas Wishlist

Dear Santa, 

I’ve been a very good blogger this year. I’ve reviewed dildos, butt plugs, lube, kink implements, vibrators and given my honest advice and thoughts on a number of miscellaneous topic. More specifically, I’ve talked an awful lot about urinary health, toxic toys and relationships, how to jerk off in the winter and what toys you can stuff yourself with on a modest budget. I’ve licked lube, made friends online and proudly presented my darling partner with our latest silicone treasures. 

And so this year, dearest Santa, I’ve come up with some things that I’d like for Christmas for being such a good blogger.

  • Sex toys and Misc.
  • Writing Aids
  • Kink Toys
  • Literature

Sex toys and Misc.

  1. Liberator Throe: Man, where do you begin with this. Everyone who likes to have sex ought to have one. It’s been touted as perfect for squirters, people who have sex on their period and generally as superior to the ol’ towel in every respect. I’d love to have one of these, if only so testing during my period is less awkward. WELL AND SO THAT I DON’T STAIN AFTER MY BOYFRIEND LEAVES. Listen, not using condoms feels great but it does make clean up a little more intensive.
  2. The Rechargeable Magic Wand: Oh how I’ve lusted for you. I’ve refrained from getting it due to the price tag, but I’m wooed by the tales of effortless orgasms and the freedom that a cordless vibrator offers. While I’m still delighted with my Unicorn Vibrator, ours is an open relationship, and the Magic Wand Rechargeable look like just what my clit needs.
  3. Vixen Creations Woody: THE RED!! God I’m in love with red sex toys. They’re perfectly passionate and I’ve heard nothing but good things about Woody. I think it would look perfect in my new strap on harness, a nicely sized red dildo superimposed on black briefs really speaks to my slutty jock heart. 
  4. A full sized stroker: What? A toy not for me?? Nah, this is still totally for me. I want to use a stroker on my boyfriend! It’s not often I’m dominant, but sometimes, you get possessed by the urge to taunt your partner as you get him off. Pair that with a cute outfit and you’ve got an adorable BDSM scene!
  5. Ruse 18 Inch Double Dildo: I’ve kind of always had a fantasy of making myself bulge through the use of a double-ended dildo. The idea of seeing my flat, athletic tummy bulging as I slide a dildo deep, deep into my ass is…shiver-inducingly hot. However, most double ended toys are made of TPE or jelly, some distinctly unfriendly toy materials.  HOWEVER! This Blush Novelties answered my dreams by making a body safe, silicone dil that I can fulfill my dreams with. And the icing on top is that it comes in RED.

Writing Aids

  1. A Moleskine Journal: People swear by these and I want to try one out for myself! I’d love to feel like a true romantic, journaling away in some quietly comfortable coffee shop. So far, I’ve kept a journal on my laptop, which has gotten to over 160 pages of personal writing. More than 60,000 words! I’m very proud, but it’s getting so that my laptop will start to chug when I open the document. Maybe it’s time to go analog?
  2. A Grammar Handbook: Having one of these close at hand to pore over would be wonderful. Often times, I bully my friends into beta-reading a post for me, and they catch all sorts of grammatical errors. Feeling a little ashamed of this, I think a style guide would really be right up my alley.
  3. Zebra Mechanical Pencils: These are my most favorite mechanical pencils. They write well, don’t feel cheap and are delightfully portable!
  4. A Set of Highlighters: I LOVE ANNOTATING MY LITERATURE. And I love making things pretty. Ergo, highlighters (the pen type, not the face type) are kinda my jam. It helps out a lot!

Kink Toys

  1. Kinklab Leather Wrist Cuffs: I’ve a taste for rope bondage, ergo my rope bondage post regarding Agreeable Agony. But for a long time now I’ve longed to complete a leather set and own some handcuffs for when I don’t want to go through being tied up.
  2. Tantus Dragon Tail: Having gotten a taste of the Gen, I’m ever so curious to try more Tantus impact toys. I’d love to feel the thwack of the tail against my ass and maybe (finally) bruise my steely ass. Also, the suede like feeling of the silicone is just beautiful. Ah Tantus. You know impact implements so well.
  3. Stockroom Bust Harness: The aesthetic of this harness is just gorgeous. One day, I hope to look just as hot as the girls modeling this gorgeous harness. Maybe somewhere in North Carolina there’s a bondage club I can go to where this would be appropriate. Or maybe I could just…wear it under my clothes?
  4. Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints: Again, this is for the lazy, impatient submissive who DOES NOT want to wait to be restrained. I want to struggle against some restraints and I want to do it now! This would make it ever so convenient for my and my partner. Because all we have is rope, we most often go for the quick solution of him manually pinning my wrists while he fucks me, but this would be quick and hands free!
  5. Aussie Health Co Enema Kit: Once again, I must shyly confess to my fantasy of being filled up completely. I have a bit of a cum fetish, and I often fantasize about being pumped full of semen so that I swell and look a few months pregnant. While such a thing could be organized in reality, an enema can provide a quicker and cheaper way for me to be filled up. Bonus: it’d clean me out for anal. Maybe then I can lose my anal virginity!

Literature

  1. Female Ejaculation and The G Spot: I’ve wanted to squirt for a long time. I purchased the Pure Wand because I read it was the perfect instrument to cause such an explosive orgasm. Hopefully by absorbing the knowledge contained in these pages, I’ll be able to learn how to squirt!
  2. Playing Well With Others: It’s a BDSM book! Something I, a BDSM newbie would love to have. I’ve enjoyed my collar and playing in the shallow end, but I’m super curious of what’s beyond the sand bars. I’m saying I wanna try some kinkier stuff, and reading about it is the first way to get there!
  3. Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: ANOTHER BDSM BOOK. My boyfriend and I are confirmed rope lovers, so learning more about our chosen restraint would be a fun, kink themed activity for us to do together. I wonder now if he would read aloud to me…
  4. A Hand in The Bush: This time, a book about fisting people with vulvas! I’ve recently gotten my own fist in, but I’d really like to learn how to do it more consistently and pleasurably! I think it would make for a great learning experience, and it might help me discover more about how to prepare more than just my vagina!

I know it’s a long list, dearest Santa. But I have been very, very good; though if you don’t bring anything at all, I’m still having a wonderful holiday.

Happy Holidays y’all! Here’s best wishes from mine to yours.

 

XenoCat Artifacts Monarch Review

Indie makers are absolutely fearless with their designs. And where would we be without them? Probably sans a lot of creatively designed and beautiful sex toys, adrift in a sea of boring realistic cookie-cutter toys that the big wigs believe consumers want. As if everyone who’s looking for sexual pleasure is the corporate ideal of a heterosexual cisgender woman who is frighteningly devoted to any and all shades of the colors pink and purple. Thank God then, that indie makers exist. And furthermore, thank God for XenoCat Artifacts. Yes, today I get to try something from this exquisite silicone sculptor (her DESIGNS ARE EXQUISITE, though Ere herself is also fucking cute). When XenoCat extended that generous offer to try one of their toys, you best believe that when I accepted I was grinning like an idiot trying to get my teeth photographed by the Hubble Space Telescope.

MONARCH PRODUCT PHOTO
The Monarch in the snow. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

I was offered the choice between the Monarch and the Argus and I weighed my options carefully. In the end though, the Monarch won because it looked more fun texture-wise and also I wouldn’t be thinking of eyes with this dildo. My Monarch is in the Medium size, at 6 inches insertable and 1.5 (ish) inches thick. It’s a modest size, somewhat of a break from the HUGE dildos that I’ve managed inside me (cough, the Frank’s Monster). At a squishy 00-50 shore density, the toy is among the softest ones that I own, yielding readily to a friendly squeeze. The colors, it must be said, are a gorgeous marbling of gold and blue. Gold and blue is perhaps one of my favorite color ways aside from a straight red toy, so it wins in the looks department.

Also, I must say that I am IN LOVE with that curly, bifurcated design. It’s so fucking playful! The Monarch, in spite of its regal name, doesn’t take itself too seriously and I can really get behind that. It’s playful without being cutesy or frilly and thus has my respect.

I approached this toy with some excitement; that curly head was extremely enticing and I admit it did not take long for me to stuff myself with the Monarch. And to my delight, this was exactly the right call. I really like the Monarch! The ribbing can look a little intimidating, especially to those new to texture, but please don’t be afraid. The Monarch, in its delightfully squishy density, takes care of you. The Monarch is a gentle lover, and the rippling texture doesn’t bruise your insides. It gently opens you and massages your insides, feeling a little bit like gentle fingering. I don’t thrust wildly with this toy like the way website says it ought to be use, I sort of jiggle the base of the Monarch and clench around it while I rub my clit. It feels amazing to clench around, the ribbing is prominent enough even in this squishy density that I can really enjoy it.

But with as gentle as this toy is, it can feel a little underwhelming if I use it after the first orgasm. After I’ve cum and I go for a second round, the Monarch doesn’t feel as good now that I’m warmed up and ready to go. The squishy density, so welcome to my vagina in what was the preliminary heat of masturbation, becomes kind of wimpy once I’m ready for the big leagues. There’s nothing wrong with the Monarch, in fact I requested a squishy density specifically, so there’s only myself to blame. Still, after that first orgasm, the Monarch gets set aside in favor of something bigger, firmer or both.

Cleaning this toy can be a bit of a hassle. This comes as no surprise given the texture! The swirly bi-furcated head traps body fluids easily, and so waiting to clean this is a no. Luckily this dildo doesn’t require tooth brush maintenance, I can work my thumb in the grooves to get out the fluids without too much elbow grease on my part.

The Monarch has been a delight to review. It’s sort of like an extroverted lightweight friend. They’re fun and great to have at parties, but they have to head home early because they’re kind of on the more delicate side. Still, the Monarch has been giving me stellar warm up orgasms and I’m THRILLED to add it to my toy box.

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks XenoCat!

Discipline and Recovery

There is no way to say this in a way that doesn’t sound shameful. But I am an addict. To what you may ask? Well, it’s not to anything substance related. My weakness is for social media. The almost drug-like high feeling of seeing my followers retweet my work, the fun interactions, the browsing of media content, all of it is a rush for me. Heroin doesn’t hold a candle to the instant gratification of penning a tweet that gets likes. Seeing my blog do well gets me jazzed to the point of distraction. And I should be happy! But unfortunately, this gets in the way of the real crisis. As someone currently unemployed (having just quit my waitressing job), social media has been kneecapping my dreams.

By putting all my energy into my online presence, my real life situation has stagnated. I haven’t studied like I should for the tests I claim to want to take. My application for jobs lately is admittedly half-assed, wanting to just send in my resume without putting in the extra ten minutes to make it appealing to the actual employer. I can explain in part, that social media is something I’m good at and my deep fear of failure is crippling me. But of course, that just leaves the ugly solution staring me in the face. If not quitting cold turkey then at the very least highly structuring my online activity such that it doesn’t ever encroach upon my real life ambitions to such a degree ever again.

Social media is addictive to people like me. And when I say people like me, I mean people with executive dysfunction/ADD. A lot of bloggers struggle with mental illness, and I’m not any different. My struggle is one of self control, anxiety and maladaptive coping. I cope with my feelings of inadequacy and fear badly. Sometimes I get into funks where I don’t eat and don’t buy groceries because I feel stuck in my own brain. And the way I’ve been coping with this illness until now has been harmful to me and to the people who believe in me. And so something will have to change.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t painful to write this. As I think of it now, I’m ashamed to show anyone these words. It’s tempting to hide this post in a journal entry and forget about it. But I need to make a stand here and now to tell not just myself, but everyone that I’m going to discipline myself and recover. That I’m going to get my life on track and seriously pursue my ambitions and once again commit to putting in the hard work.

So what does this mean for this blog? Is this a fiery declaration of imminent shut down? Well no. I still believe this blog is important. It’s brought me into a wonderful world that I honestly believe has made me a better person. What it will mean is that I’ll be taking a much more structured and scheduled approach. I’ll be less active on my Twitter, being reachable there for just a portion of the day. I’ll set boundaries and deadlines and work on them in a way befitting of a professional. In short, this is not the end, merely a restructuring for the benefit of myself and others.

There is one note of brightness. I know I can do this. I have the most supportive friends and family I know. My partner loves me deeply and will help me get through this. I’m going to get better. For everyone who believes in me. My parents, my partner, and my friends all want me to succeed, and I haven’t been worthy of that support. Not yet anyway. But I will be working to be worthy of these people.