Fuze Major Review

In the course of my reviewing career, I have reviewed fantastical mermaids, zombie penises, dildos that look like nothing in particular and dildos that more resemble abstract art than the human phallus. Put simply, I haven’t seen a realistic dildo since starting reviewing, and until recently owned exactly one dildo that could claim to be realistic.  But ever since SheVibe took me on their reviewer program, I’ve had the chance to expand my sexual horizons by asking for…a dildo that looks like a penis, aka the Fuze Major. Listen, this is BRAIN-BREAKINGLY funny to me. Having more experience with silicone unicorn horns than penises? OF COURSE THIS WOULD BE MY LIFE.

Anyway, in attempting to broaden my horizons so to speak, I asked SheVibe to send me the Fuze Major, an uncut suction cup dildo. It’s a petite thing compared to the monster dildos that comprise my usual fare, but for most people it would probably fall in the average range. At 6 1/4 inches in length and around 1.5 inches in thickness, the Major has dimensions that would most likely be found on a cis man. The Fuze Major also fairly emulates what an uncut cis man might look like, which for some will be a serious draw and for others a major turn off. For my own tastes, I love the foreskin on this toy which is why I asked for it. Uncut toys are something of a rarity and having the chance to own one was something I jumped on!

FUZE MAJOR PRODUCT PHOTO
The Fuze posed outside in the warm afternoon sun.

Using this toy however, required adjusting my expectations. I’ve been wooed by the soft and squishy dual density toys of late, so I was a little surprised when I gave the Major a squeeze and it didn’t squish. Like the Hollywood vision of military personnel, the Major is firm and fairly inflexible, but its average size makes it so that it can be used after just a little fingering. Sliding it in, I couldn’t feel the foreskin as much as I could the veiny texture of the shaft. That was a little disappointing as I was hoping to really feel it! But the shape of the head was bulbous and pronounced enough that I could feel it on my G-spot. It excelled as both a static and thrusting dildo, and I really enjoyed clenching around it as I gorged my eyes on porn and put the Exposed Nocturnal on my clit. I find myself reaching for it when I want to fantasize about fucking someone uncut, though it hasn’t exactly revolutionized anything in terms of shape or squish. The aesthetics of the Major are really attractive to me

Also, the suction cup is nothing to sneeze at. Once I stuck it to my headboard, it hung out there for the whole day. To go to sleep, I had to yank it off the headboard because it otherwise WOULD NOT FALL OFF. Kudos Fuze, this is a powerful suction cup!

The moment I really want to talk about though, was the time I used it in my harness. As I slid the Major through the O-ring, I marveled at how attractive it looked on me. Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t stop staring at the perky Major bobbing from my pelvis. I lubed up and jacked off my artificial erection, hypnotized by the babe in the mirror who was stroking her cock along with me. I felt an erotic flush slowly creep over my body as I watched my self in the mirror. And when I slipped in the Exposed Nocturnal to vibrate my clit while I jerked off? It was confusing, erotic and thrilling all at the same time and I found myself quickly working towards orgasm. I’ve sometimes had fantasies of having my own dick and the Major is what I imagine it would look like if I grew one rather than used a store bought one. Since that episode I’ve been fantasizing non-stop about hot strap-on sex with more than just the Major; visions of fucking someone with the Splendid, Frank’s Monster and the Vamp dance through my head…mmm thanks Major, you’ve opened my eyes.

This is a dildo for people who like average sized dildos that are fairly firm and offer a nice amount of G-spot stimulation. This dildo is also for people who prefer more realistic style dildos and have been aching for some intact representation! This is a fantasy dildo not in the sense that it belongs on a fantasy creature, but that it fulfills the fantasy of fucking or bearing an uncut member. For someone who fantasizes about either, the Major is a dildo worthy of consideration.

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

 

Teal Treasures: The Tantus Chubby

Tantus products so far have been kind of a sore spot for me. The much vaunted (and most reasonably priced) Vamp didn’t work for my body, with the sulcus catching on something internal causing a pinching sensation. The nipple clamps were so painful that I couldn’t try them for more than a few seconds (OH BOO HOO, I KNOW). But the Tantus Chubby has redeemed the Tantus name…at least in my eyes. Controversially named the They/Them at first and undergoing some slight re-design, the Chubby originally caught my eye because of that dreamy peacock color. But it held my attention after one memorable session.

The Chubby, as its name implies, is a stout dildo that boasts 4.7″ worth of insertable length, making it shorter than average. But at 1.75″ of girth, it’s a chunky fella and probably requires a bit of warm up for newer players, especially in such a firm density.

Now, I understand that the Chubby is purported to be in Tantus’ Super Soft Density. However, the Chubby doesn’t have any real squish to it, so don’t purchase it thinking that it’s going to squish like a dual density dildo.

The Chubby cannot be used as a warm up dildo unless you know you’re perfectly good with thick, firm penetration right off the bat. I myself am not, so when using the Chubby before any other toy or without warmup, I would feel an intense to the point of painful stretch at my vaginal opening. It in fact felt like my vagina was being pried open and gagged, which is PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE. However, after warming myself up a little more with fingers and smaller dildos, I found it a lot easier to take. The Tantus Chubby excels when I use it midway through my typical masturbation session, when my vagina has opened up more and is ready for something more intense.

The shape of the dildo is fairly straight and it has minimal texture, making the Chubby unsuitable for people who need a curve to enjoy intense G-spot, prostate, or vaginal wall stimulation. The Tantus Chubby is there to fill up your chosen orifice and exert some pressure on it without bashing into your cervix or going too deeply in your ass. Because I enjoy girth and haven’t fully come to appreciate INTENSE G spot stimulation, I find the Chubby to be delightful when I can fit it in me. What can I say? I’M A GIRTH QUEEN.

TANTUS THEY THEM PRODUCT PHOTO
The Tantus Chubby posed like an Easter Egg in the grass.

The Tantus Chubby also prompted me to introduce a new technique into my  masturbatory repertoire: fully insert the Chubby and get some delicious pleasure/pain sensations when it gently rubs against my cervix. I’m not usually a fan of cervical pressure, so this was pretty surprising! Kudos to you Tantus, for getting me into something new and different. During the one memorable session I mentioned earlier, I suddenly had an idea. I stuffed myself fully with the Chubby and then, rather than thrusting conventionally, I  slapped the base of it strongly, prompting intense jolts of pleasure. This particular technique also had the benefit of prompting me to fantasize about hot dominants slapping my pussy and teasing me for getting off on such a thing. In all, it made for a deliciously hot session.

The Tantus Chubby is a solid dildo for those among us looking for something thick but not long. Its firm, a charming color and perfectly body safe. This is the perfect toy for when you want to fully sit on something thick without threatening your cervix which for me? Is all the time.

 This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

 

February Wrap Up: Silicone Sucking and Sickness

Partnered Life

Ah Valentine’s Day. I spent it cooking and fretting over my boyfriend. While I did make the best potatoes I ever made, my boyfriend came down with a fever. So we mostly crashed and watched stuff on TV. I made him a health potion with lemon and honey and boiling hot water and had one myself to boost my vitamin C levels. Then we slept under a weighted blanket.

My partner and I also started watching Breaking Bad since I’ve never seen it. I know I’m behind the times but I usually am. Maybe I’ll get around to watching She-Ra someday…until then I’m watching back episodes of Better Call Saul, Goliath and Breaking Bad.

We’ve also discovered that Lazy Dog is one of THE BEST sex positions for us. He just lays on me for a while after he cums and it’s fantastic. Sometimes we’ll roll over to spoon with his cock still inside of me after a creampie and we just spoon while his dick softens inside of me. It’s intensely intimate and erotic and probably one of my most favorite things that we do sexually. Feeling someone go soft inside me is a really unique sensation!

I’ve also gotten back into giving my partner oral. Blowing him while he watches a show on Netflix is kinda one of my favorite things. I love it as a form of foreplay or as an event all of its own!

Health and Wellness

This month I went in for some routine testing, which I detailed in my previous post. It pretty severely impacted my stress levels and libido such that it was a hard month for me to get any testing done. However, now that those issues have been resolved, I’m fully back into the swing of things!

My boyfriend and I also made an amazing financial decision: we purchased a weighted blanket! It’s supposed to help lower stress by activating the parasympathetic nervous system which then puts you into ‘rest and digest’ mode which is better than our sympathetic nervous system or ‘flight or fight’ mode. We’ve both noticed lowered stress levels under it and better sleep due to the blanket.

I started a course of anti-depressants, a low dosage. I’ve noticed that I’ve had a lower libido initially, but as I’ve gotten used to the medication, I’ve noticed a return in my nymphomaniacal sex drive. It’s amazing wanting penetration again after a whole month of feeling like I had numb or locked up genitals!

I’ve also started a period tracker app! I’ve recorded the whole month in the app so far and I plan on reviewing it later. I use Clue and I find it really useful for tracking more than my cycle, I can use it to record my sexual life, my weight and my sleep habits! Collecting data about all of this is really fascinating. I also realize I need to improve my sleep schedule.

Also, I’ve noticed I’ve started feeling way more positive now since I’ve been working out more regularly! I know I advocate a lot for exercise, I should remember to do it myself! It has so many benefits (and post workout sweaty sex is incredibly hot).

I don’t know where else to put this, but I wanna let everyone know that I did just finish Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and I LOVE IT. It’s not the typical sex manual describing acts that will mechanically get a person off. It describes sexual psychology, gives concrete examples and made me feel more at home in my body. I now want to look up some G-spotting manuals and see if I can learn to squirt and I desperately wanna read more sex lit! That and I’d love to read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.

Turn Ons and Toys

It’s not a toy, but I did get a one month porn subscription to Lust Cinemas. The films have been MAJORLY hit or miss. My Roommate’s Toy and Dirty Doctor were very hot, featuring the glorious Pure Wand in all its gleaming glory. There were moans and . Pouring Pleasure and My First Time Eating Oysters and Pussy were both kinda boring and didn’t show enough of the labia.

I’m really fascinated by thick and knotted toys this month. XenoCat’s Barghest and Primal Hardwere make knotted toys that are just to DIE for. Also, HodgePodge Entourage made a jawbreaker-esque Changeling that made me SALIVATE. Would that I could own it! I’m also fascinated by the new Magic Wand…I’m going to get my hands on it!!

I’ve also been sucking on the Fuze Major, an uncut dildo that has been on my mind, and in my mouth and vag. Also! It’s oral season for the Monthly Fixation, so dildo blowjobs are thematically appropriate no?

Miscellaneous

Having friends over to play Betrayal. Wearing ultra glittery highlighter on days I’m most definitely not getting laid. Getting donuts after getting my blood drawn. Celebrating my false positive diagnosis. Explaining the gas-and-breaks metaphor to my partner. Drinking half a bottle of white wine and then tipsily declaring my love to partner.

Sickness and Sex

Sex positivity is a learned behavior in our sex negative culture. Letting people other than men learn to own their bodies and seek pleasure is a radical attitude that deserves to permeate our culture. Decoupling pleasure from the taboo and from the ‘dirty’/’clean’ dynamic is…frankly a struggle. And it’s something that I’ve come up against recently.

Two weeks ago, I went in to see my GYN for some routine testing and to talk about my menstrual depression. I was seen and heard by this woman who valued my concerns, who thoughtfully made some suggestions about coping with my anhedonia. When I left, I had a bandaid on my arm and a prescription in my hand that I cautiously hoped would ease me back into being the vibrant human being that I am. I was ready to contribute to the posts advocating getting tested and voice my support for tearing down the idea that STIs made everyone dirty.

Of course, until my syphilis test came back with an abnormality. According to the doctor,  my test had come back with something amiss and I would need secondary results. I felt like I’d run into a brick wall. I felt…blind sided and sideswiped and…I loathed myself. I felt dirty and disgusting. A chill of fear that twisted my guts as I told my partner that he might need to go in for treatment. I stumbled over my words as I told him that I couldn’t explain how it could possibly have happened and that it must’ve been a false positive. He held me and told me that even if I were positive that this was an easy fix. I shuddered in his arms as he reassured me that he didn’t think I was dirty or nasty and that he still loved me. For the next two weeks, he would repeat over and over again that he still loved me and he wanted to be with me even if he did have to get a shot. The support from him was vital, and it made the days easier knowing he was on my side.

Those two weeks I was in a deep funk. I was adjusting to new medication which messed with my libido in addition to battling my own internalized shame. I didn’t masturbate or have an orgasm for two weeks. I didn’t touch my toys for fear of getting them ‘dirty’. I felt ashamed to take food from the delivery person, wondering whether or not I was able to spread it to other people from just casual contact. The intellectual side of me knew that I wasn’t ‘contagious’ and that a simple shot was all that would be required if I were positive…but my emotional side said ‘he’s gonna leave you, you crazy dirty bitch’.

Just this Friday, the 22nd of February I received notice that my result was a false positive. Relief flooded through me as I showed my partner the results. If I’d slipped the hangman’s noose I don’t think I could’ve been more giddy. But even as I celebrated, something tickled my mind. Understanding. Having a sex positive attitude is work. These are ingrained attitudes in us and it takes time to unlearn the toxic crap our culture inundates us with. And it takes effort to confront how these attitudes manifest in your own mind. I came up against my own attitudes in these two weeks and learned how fucking valuable it is that there are bloggers and sexuality educators fighting the stigma and trying advocate for sexual health. To anyone fighting the good fight and to make sex healthier and more normalized, I see you. When I was angsting out of my fucking mind, I looked frantically for resources and I fucking found them thanks to y’all. Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood and many more provide resources and sex education. But more than that, the blog squad is there, with people like Kelvin Sparks and Suz Ellis providing information and positivity with regards to sexual health.

If you’re struggling with depression and sexual health, there’s people who understand. I’ve learned that I deserve love no matter my diagnosis. And you do too.

The Elements 4 & 5 Review

It seems I’m not the master of the Elements as I thought I was! Two new ones have arrived. Meet the Elements 4 & 5, two new members of Uberrime’s affordable Elements line. Earlier this year I reviewed the first three in the line, and so when I was offered a chance to review the two new comers, I could not say yes fast enough. The 3 was undeniably my favorite of the previous batch and so I was eager to see if the 4 or the 5 would match the greatness of their older siblings.

Well damn did they ever. The 4 is probably the shining star among the Elements. Its companion, the 5 didn’t rock my world QUITE as much, but made me understand ripples can in fact feel good. The 4? Well, the 4 is probably one of the most meticulously designed, anatomy focused and well thought out dildos I have ever had the delight of trying. Hats off to you Marco, you’ve created something truly delightful that I cannot recommend enough.

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The Element 5 resting in the grass after a rain.

The 5 is a petite, ripply dildo with an interestingly shaped head. When I slide it in my vagina, the ripply texture doesn’t feel abrasive, but doesn’t provide much in the way of stimulation for me. It adds interest to thrusting, but most of my love of it comes from that unusually shaped head. The 5 is neither too long nor too girthy and does well to warm me up for larger toys.  Were the 5 cast in a firmer silicone, it’s likely I’d experience some discomfort from the ripples. But no, Marco has apparently thought of everything and made the silicone pleasingly pliant. The base of 5 is nice and wide and makes it suitable for anal play and the slight curve helps it to press against my G spot. And that head! I am crazy about that head. The 5’s head is one that targets my G spot without being severely pinpoint. In all? A fairly lovely toy for someone who’d like to dip their toes into texture without dropping a fat load of cash on something like The Mermaid or The Echo.

Now, the 4 is deceptive. The design is slightly oceanic with its smoothness, seeming bland compared to its rippled sibling. The 4 might look to be a tame toy because it doesn’t rock any crazy texture and has fairly petite dimensions. But see, that’s where you’d be INCORRECT. The 4, according to Uberrime’s website, is meant to mimic the feeling of two fingers curved ever so slightly, though the shape of the toy is delightfully non-realistic. And let me tell you, the toy delivers on that promise. My testing notes remark that it feels damned close to the pads of two fingers pressing against my G spot. It’s one of the more intensely pleasurable sensations I’ve had grace my vagina. Many designs, such as the Ella and the Gigi and many of the Pico Bong toys have pioneered a flat head. I’ve not tried these toys, so while I imagine that they’re quite pleasurable, but are vastly more expensive.

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The Element 4 cradled by the rocks near the stream

However, there’s more to the 4 than just G spotty goodness. The design also does something I’ve never experienced: it works as a vaginal plug. Held static in my vagina, I can feel it press against my G spot and give me a feeling of EXCELLENT fullness at my vaginal opening. This ingenious bit of design is what makes it my go to for quickies and sessions when I’m not up for thrusting hard and fast. I have enough dildos for pistoning my pussy; the 4 is a relief for my wrist, even as strong as it is. While it’s not going to lock into the vagina like kegel balls will, it will stay in place remarkably well for most masturbation positions. In fact, it’s how I learned I have crushing vaginal strength. I was able to hold the 4 inside of me for a brief time while standing. I FELT GLOWINGLY PROUD OF MY CUNT. Honestly it would be fun to use as a vaginal test your strength toy and have my visitors clock the time that they can hold it in.

Uberrime is an up and coming company that makes smart, anatomy focused designs and prices them affordably. I love the 4 dearly and I want it in my vagina even as I write this. The 5 provides an excellent warm up for more textured dildos, such as the Mermaid. For lazy masturbators and texture lovers alike, these are excellent toys and I’m pleased to include them in my starting line up.

Uberrime sent me these toys free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thank you Uberrime!

 

January Wrap Up: Cuddling, Cold, and Cute Dildos

Let’s kill this cold month and get outta here y’all, it literally feels like January 78th. I’m tired of it being freezing and also January. One of these things will happen, though I don’t anticipate it getting any warmer soon! So what have I been up to…

Partnered Life

My partner and I are incorporating Deep Pressure Therapy into our cuddling and physical intimacy. My partner and I have been under a lot of stress this month regarding employment and making big life changes in the coming future. After reading about deep pressure therapy, we tried it the low cost way. By which I mean, I laid on top of my partner like a 105 lb. girl shaped blanket for a half hour. The combination of skin to skin contact and pressure was incredibly soothing. We switch off being each other’s human blankets and it’s a great low effort form of intimacy. It’s perfect for when you want to be physically intimate with your partner but one or both of you isn’t in a good head space for sex (or perhaps, one or both of you just doesn’t want to have sex).

We’ve started watching Freeman’s Mind, a YouTube series that’s about what goes on in Dr. Freeman’s mind as he fights his way out of Black Mesa. Confession: I’ve never played Half Life. But I still really enjoy this YouTube series. It’s tightly written, comically violent and very irreverent. It’s sort of my go to brain popcorn when I’m with my partner. Many are the evenings where we both crawl onto the couch and feel beat up, so putting on Freeman’s Mind and clapping along to the intro is something that makes us both feel relaxed.

Earlier this month I bought and played a board game called Betrayal at the House on the Hill. My boyfriend and I love boardgames so fucking much. I bought this at Hobbytown over the holidays and we both love it to death. We only wish we could get our other friends to play it with us. I like that it functions like DnD lite and is slightly more accessible. It takes up to six people to play, has 50 scenarios, and it spooky enough for my horror inclined tastes.

Health and Wellness

In the best interest of my body, I’ve started eating more regularly and being more mindful of my health. I have a breakfast menu now which is essentially just: oatmeal with granola, a cup of coffee and a banana with chunky peanut butter. It’s inexpensive, decently healthy and filling. Great for recovering all the weight I lost over the holidays!

I’ve also started a nightly ritual that includes journaling, closing down all my screens, drinking two glasses of water and meditating. I haven’t been keeping it up every night, but I’ve noticed that I’m starting to fall asleep earlier! Success!

Maybe it’s from watching Jenna Marbles, maybe it’s from all the articles about how harmful the meat industry is, but I’ve been sort of gravitating to vegetarian/vegan food options. I’ve also noticed that it’s less expensive in a lot of ways and that you can make big batches of food and just eat off that for a week. I like that a lot. I also liked the vegan dumplings I had just the other day. FUCK THEY WERE GOOD.

Possibly because of stress (almost certainly because of stress), I’ve lost a lot of flirty energy in my life. Most of my texts have been some variation of ‘wanna cuddle?’. Which is perfectly valid, but I miss the teasing, exciting nature of flirtation. I wanna freshen up my flirting landscape

Turn ons and Toys

This month was stressful, but there were still some sexy aspects to it. This month has included a bunch of stuff like…

I’ve been super into dildos with foreskin lately. Something about the foreskin just is such a turn on, especially if the dildo is already girthy. I’ve been eyeing the Changeling from Hodgepodge Entourage (I won a dildo from them, the Sylph model). I also like the look of the Leviathan from Dread The Empire.

Nipple clamps are something I love aesthetically but historically haven’t enjoyed when they’re on my physical body. I have been trying so hard to like the nipple clamps I got from Tantus a while back. They still hurt so fucking bad.

This month I got sent a realistic dildo (review to come!) and I immediately tried it in my harness. Wearing a realistic dildo in my harness and jacking off in the mirror was both hot and an out of body experience. I really did wanna fuck that girl in the mirror.

I also discovered how intense my come fetish is. Know it’s a fantasy, but the idea of being absolutely showered in semen is super hot for me. I’m thinking of writing some erotica around it. Or maybe a Cryptokink since I don’t see anyone talking about the inflation fetish.

Mini-vibes have saved my masturbating life. With the Tri-It or the Exposed Nocturnal pressed against my clit, I can get off without a whole lot of effort. Also the controls are fucking great on these and I can easily adjust the intensity, perfect for trawling for pornographic fanfiction.

When my boyfriend and I DID have sex, we used the Butters as lube. Partially because it’s a great lube and partially because it was the easiest lube to access. It was on the nightstand while the Sliquid was in the drawer and my boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to open a drawer. Not that I’m complaining, I fucking love the Butters.

Miscellaneous 

Frying vegan dumplings for the first time. Filling the bird feeder. Spending lots of time cuddling with my boyfriend. Watching Sex Education. Playing dumb card games in a tent in the freezing cold. Recovering from trauma. Putting on eye and cheek glitter to feel more human. Buying cute underwear. Making Valentine’s Day plans. Walking to a donut shop. Working out for the first time in a while. Sending ab pics.

 

 

Femme Fun Ultra Bullet Review

The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet is undeniably cute. A fat bullet covered in adorably bright turquoise silicone with a bright pink button? Probably one of the most aesthetically pleasing designs I’ve seen in a while. It puts me in mind of Easter eggs that you might find in the grass and it makes me ache for warmer spring weather. The Femme Fun bullet caught my eye more  as I looked for alternatives to the Tango, and while I’ve certainly found alternatives, I never really stopped being enamored of the clean, cute design of the Ultra Bullet. So you can imagine my delight when SheVibe allowed me to review it! Of course, I should know more than anyone that looks can be deceiving, because this bullet isn’t what I hoped for.

femme fun ultra bullet product photo
The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet really makes me think of spring.

When I said the bullet was fat, I suppose technically I wasn’t correct. Looking now at the measurements of the bullet, the widest part is only .91 inches thick, smaller than most thin dildos. I suppose the roundness of the design is what imparts a sense of chunkiness to the bullet, as well its fat base. The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet is fully waterproof, which I dutifully tested during a hot bubble bath. It buzzed away faithfully without complaint as I lounged in my tub, providing a pleasingly decadent orgasm. The bullet also claims to have 20 functions, which I dutifully counted, and the ad copy is correct. It has a fine battery life and operates via the single large button on the bottom. To turn it on, you press and hold the button, and to change settings you click the button briefly. All fairly standard and simple, though the inability to go back to a favored setting is especially annoying with the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet. You must cycle through all of the other functions to get back, which is very tedious considering there are so many settings. The memory function is also odd, because if I click off the vibe on my finishing speed (usually the highest steady speed) then the vibe tries to be helpful by starting me off on that speed when I turn it on again. This can make using the vibrator sort of awkward because when I click on the vibe, I expect a nice low speed and am instead assaulted with the highest steady one. After I click the vibrator once though, the vibrator goes back to the first steady speed and progresses normally.

The controls are really what make the Femme Fun a let down for me. Well, that and that there are only three steady speeds. Yes, the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet does have 20 functions as promised! 17 OF THOSE ARE PATTERNS. Epiphora asked her readers and the results are in: patterns are not what make us come. No one praises the Tango for its patterns, and they are not the feature of the Nocturnal. My clit feels sort of battered from all directions when experiencing a lot of the patterns. This, combined with the fact that I must experience them in order to get to my favored settings irritates me to no end.

Perhaps I would be less salty about there being only three steady speeds if I were able to navigate them more easily. Because quite honestly, the steady speeds are lovely! The low one is perfect to stir arousal, and is therefore great for when I’m reading erotica and having a long session. The second and third speeds are pleasingly rumbly and strong and are surface level and all of those other buzz words which generally mean I get to orgasm. Even my boyfriend enjoyed vibrations of this quality, as he agreed to test it by putting it (partially) in his ass. He said it felt really interesting and pleasurable as he slid it in, and I couldn’t help but feel a little hornier watching him like that…anyway. If I could navigate through these three speeds then I’d feel a lot better using the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet, and I’d feel even better if there were a greater range of steady speeds.

The Femme Fun is charmingly designed, strong, rumbly and rechargeable. If that was all that mattered, then I’d be hawking it to you at the top of my voice. But the controls of the vibrator make me WINCE. Furiously clicking through the patterns so I can drop the vibrator down to a lower steady speed is frustrating, and I can’t even reset by turning it off because the memory function will start me wherever I stopped. If I were to remake this vibe, I would hack off a good chunk of the patterns, increase the range of steady speeds and make it more navigable. Since I can’t, I’ll point you to my preferred clit vibe at the moment, the Exposed Nocturnal which I reviewed here. No it’s not as cute and it doesn’t come in turquoise, but it doesn’t force me to experience patterns and it has 5 steady speeds.

This product was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

Sex Blogger Collaboration Ideas 2019

  • Strap On Make Over: You know in those chick flicks where our (usually female) protagonist goes to the mall and tries on a bunch of different looks and walks the catwalk? I want that but with a variety of strap ons and dildos. I want a strap on fashion goddammit. I want lots of cute people trying on new looks! Bonus points if you come up with a name/aesthetic theme for your look!
  • Dildo Telephone: Or sex toy telephone. Someone sketches a picture of a sex toy. Then passes it off to the next person who re-interprets the sketches and passes it to the next person down the line. NATURALLY no one sees anything other than the toy they are supposed to re-interpret. LET’S SEE HOW WEIRD LOOKING IT GETS.
  • Blog Switch: Pretend to be another blogger! Ex: Kitten Boheme attempts to write as Phallophile Reviews, Phallophile might review as Backwoods Bedroom and so on. Readers are invited to guess who’s who!
  • Blind Swap: Exactly what it says on the tin: box up a toy and send it to your chosen reviewer, and no one gets to know what it is other than a vague hint! This would be limited to dils, vibes and plugs cause clothing swap would be a bit complicated!
  • Photo Finish: A theme is announced and everyone has to interpret that theme via photography! The theme will be really vague and non specific like a collection of words ex: ‘midnight, neon, sleazy’ or a sufficiently vague phrase: ‘A cold morning in April’. Post em up and lets see what everyone came up with!

Cryptokink: Vore

Swallow your fears everyone, it’s time we took a deep dive into one of the most talked about kinks on the internet: vore.

Voraphilia, or colloquially known as vore, has become one of the most popular niche kinks on the internet. I write this with a grin…popular niche kink is just the sort of oxymoron that WOULD happen on my blog. Anyway, the point is that some people have developed a sexual fetish entirely around being eaten.

No, not like cannibalism. Well usually not. I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks being cut up and eaten like the victim of a serial killer is hot, and that’s for them to deal with as they see fit. But these types of individuals wouldn’t really fall into the vore fetish. They’d fall more into the guro category but I digress.

Vore can be divided into two spectrums or axes. There is hard vore, which depicts chewing and thus gore and occasionally the death of the entity being vored. Soft vore differs in that it is often depicted as swallowing the vored entity whole and alive. Often times hard vore is considered fatal, while soft vore is sort of the person or entity just hanging out in consumer’s body for a while before being ejected unharmed. Then there is the second axis of willing and unwilling, which is how the entity being vored reacts to the situation. Some vore scenes are depicted as violent and unwanted, with the vored person actively trying to escape being swallowed, while naturally the willing scenes have the person being vored damn near jumping down someone’s throat.

With vore defined, I’m going to focus mainly on why people find soft vore attractive. In a later post I’ll talk about hard vore and guro and similar edgy kinks, but that’s for later. For now, I think soft vore is absolutely fascinating. There are certain elements that I think a soft vore scene shares with oh…something like wax play or massages. There’s not any special focus on genitals, and often the sensation that’s achieved (in the scene) is not an orgasm but a sense of satisfaction. In some scenes, the vore top or predator is seen to sexually enjoy consuming the vore bottom or prey and masturbates themselves to completion upon swallowing the prey, but there are just as many scenes where they roll over and take a nap.

The main draw for soft vore appears to be intense vulnerability and intimacy combined with something akin to a mouth and or a belly fetish. I think this type of vulnerability sort of forces people to relax by taking away all other options. I mean, you’ve been eaten, of course you’ve got no control. But you’re forced into a place that is ultimately worry free and very protected. I don’t think it’s TOO MUCH of a stretch to say that vore both occupies a taboo and a comforting place in the psyches of people who indulge in it as a fantasy. I imagine it as being similar to an anxious submissive who finds a deep comfort in being tied up. They are fully trusting their dominant to take care of them and can therefore get into a very relaxed headspace when someone they trust binds their limbs.

Now, as you might be thinking, vore pretty much can’t be experienced in real life. Humans do not exist that can other adult humans whole and all sort of puts a damper on acting out this fantasy. Vore can somewhat be simulated by perhaps making small prey shaped confections, and then filmed as a kind of vore pornography, but that’s not where vore enthusiasts are most prevalent. Vore thrives as a roleplaying scenario and as erotica in both visual and text mediums. Going on literotica and searching the term vore will bring up hundreds of stories about all kinds of vore and its various derivations. Sub reddits exist for this fetish and a cursory google search brings to light how popular this has become with people online. Photo manipulations of beautiful women holding men before their mouths exist as well as extremely dirty furry erotica in which blue foxes are swallowed whole by the dashing tiger predators. Vore seems to be having it’s heyday in both the human and furry community alike!

For the most part, it seems like vore is a strange if largely harmless kink that appeals to people’s desire to be comforted and dominated. This style of domination is just a bit more…physical? At any rate, if this post aroused any feelings for you, know that you’re far from alone and that there’s a thriving community waiting to eat you. Well, meet you. Both? Sorry I couldn’t resist a dumb joke.

Lumberjill Cinder Review

The world of wood dildos is pretty small and also fairly expensive. One of the models held in critical acclaim will run you approximately $145 on an average day without sales. It was for this reason that I had resigned myself to a wood-less existence. Well, that was until RGN Toys put out the call for reviewers to put a new, affordable wood dildo model to the test. Never one to turn down a new masturbation experience, I gamely put myself forward and was accepted! Mere days later, I welcomed into my house and my vagina the adorable Cinder dildo.

cinder product photo
The Cinder looking charming

The Cinder is a petite dildo, or is at least considering my vagina’s proclivities. At six inches long and 1.5 inches thick at the girthiest, the Cinder sits comfortably at the average end of the dildo spectrum. When I showed my boyfriend and friends the new toy I got, the most common remark was how much it looked like a bowling pin. I confess, it kind of does and it makes me giggle. While it’s not exactly a discreet toy, you have to wonder if anyone would think more than an unusually shaped paperweight. Sitting on a coffee table next to a book, someone might think it merely a piece of decorative sculpture. Honestly, the Cinder is giving me ideas for incorporating stealthy pieces of erotica into my home décor!

With the Cinder being so petite, it’s no surprise that my size captain vagina wasn’t floored. What I didn’t expect was that my vagina would be able to swallow the Cinder whole…yeah, constrictor snake style. When I stood up and realized that the dildo didn’t fall out of me though, that was when the fun really started. Cue Liz strutting around her apartment, gripping the Cinder like a vice. Apart from the size though, I found the shape of the Cinder to be delightful though. The firm, insistent pressure on my G spot from the knobbed end of the Cinder felt lovely in conjunction with a strong clitoral vibrator. The tapered torpedo like end was considerably less pleasurable, so I recommend using that bit as a handle to pound yourself with. Hell, the knobbed end was so good that I lost myself in a masturbation frenzy one evening.

However, this was to the detriment of my sheets, as I had forgotten two things: 1) that I was menstruating and 2) that I hadn’t put down a towel. When I spotted my ruined bedding, my vagina ejected the Cinder in fear and more blood oozed out of me. Blood was fucking everywhere, running down my legs and splodged all over the bedspread. I was struggling not to scream and cuss as I hustled my bare ass to the laundry room with my soiled duvet in arms. And thus, the Cinder burned me, for I flew too close to the sun that is masturbating on your period.

Blood bath aside, the Cinder has been an exciting experience. Wood does feel different than the silicone and steel and glass that I’ve tried in that it is both light and firm, but it doesn’t necessarily feel warmer as Lumberjill claims. It’s about the same temperature as silicone, which is room temperature. Compared to steel though, I suppose this claim has some credit, because my Pure Wand is always FRIGID.

Cleaning the toy was also interesting, as there are no sanitising instructions on my care and cleaning manual. According to Richard Carver, the man behind the art of Lumberjill, there currently isn’t a way to sanitise the toy. However, the toy is still non-porous due to the finish. When I asked what should be done if the finish were to be damaged, Richard told me that contacting him on Etsy would work so that the toy could be shipped to him for repair, repaired at home per his instructions, or replacing the toy depending on the damage. This kind of comprehensive care for dildos, especially ones so affordable is kind of mind boggling.

Final thoughts? The Cinder is an amazingly affordable (just $30 at RGN!!) wood dildo that feels good, even though it is somewhat underwhelming in the size department. I highly recommend this for people who would like to experience luxury on a budget and who know that they enjoy: 1) firm pressure on internal erogenous zones and 2) prefer smaller toys. Also you can rest easy knowing that should your toy become damaged that Lumberjill will look after you!

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks RGN Toys!