Note to literal minded readers: This is a joke and I hope it makes you laugh!
So you’re at the beach with your s/o and the two (or more) of you are feeling randy. You remember the jokes about sand in your crotch, so you wisely avoid having sex on the actual dunes. But then you start to wonder…what are my options for actual sex at the beach?
Well, I’m delighted you asked! I had a great deal of seaside sex this past weekend and I’m just burning to tell you all about it!
1. Sunburn Sex
Ah sunburn sex. Perhaps the next most iconic type of sex at the beach aside from the sandy sex. You get back from a perfect day at the beach and you get ready to get down and dirty with your significant other when you realize something horrible. You’re both the exact same shade as freshly boiled lobsters. But don’t despair! There’s workarounds that’ll make this happen!
The first part is slathering the both of you in aloe to stop the burning. Be sure to lay down a towel so your sheets don’t smell like aloe or get stained! It’s like period sex, but with more unbearable skin burning!
Part two is all about delicate angling so that the two of you don’t touch each other’s burns. You might need to be creative depending on where your burns are, so some flexibility is required! Or if you’re a kinky sort, you can bring your burns into impact play for a new level of intensity! Bonus points if you peel each other’s sunburn as a form of aftercare.
And the final part of sunburn sex is setting a glacially slow, consistent pace. This is so you don’t accidentally jolt your partner and upset their skin! Spontaneity is out for sunburn sex, while awkward twister positions, borderline gratuitous aloe and meticulous planning with accompanying diagrams is in.
2. Cramped Shower Sex
The clever among us will realize that having sex in the shower while at the beach is absolutely the move! Cool water soothing burns, sand and sunscreen residue coming away, this sounds just perfect right?
Of course it does! All you have to do is wedge two bodies into your cramped shower at your rental place and then have at it. You might be kicking yourself for not bringing only water-based lube or struggling to position yourselves, but at least it’s better than gritty sand sex!
This kind of sexual experience isn’t exclusive to the beach, but the beach does put a bit of a spin on it. Some things you won’t get anywhere else such as: Noticing the ring of sand hanging around the drain, wondering if the brackish taste in your mouth is shower water or leftovers from the ocean and if your partner is noticing it when you kiss them, and keeping your caresses carefully off sunburns!
And now for our last, extra special version of beach sex:
3. Gritty Sheets Sex
For those of us who want an authentic, if somewhat milder beach sex experience, gritty sheets sex is for you. Achieving this is simple: if you exist at your beach rental and don’t remove every microscopic granule of sand, then it gets in your sheets! All you have to do is be a human who existed at the beach and then later has sex and you’ll experience that classic mild but not extreme discomfort of individual sand particles scraping against your back.
Now remember, this is just a taste of the myriad of seaside sexual opportunities! So much more is in store for you such as ‘Jellyfish Sting Sex’ and ‘Disappointing Beach Bro Sex’ and more beyond that! But now that you’ve got a taste of it, go forth and fuck!
Let’s kill this cold month and get outta here y’all, it literally feels like January 78th. I’m tired of it being freezing and also January. One of these things will happen, though I don’t anticipate it getting any warmer soon! So what have I been up to…
My partner and I are incorporating Deep Pressure Therapy into our cuddling and physical intimacy. My partner and I have been under a lot of stress this month regarding employment and making big life changes in the coming future. After reading about deep pressure therapy, we tried it the low cost way. By which I mean, I laid on top of my partner like a 105 lb. girl shaped blanket for a half hour. The combination of skin to skin contact and pressure was incredibly soothing. We switch off being each other’s human blankets and it’s a great low effort form of intimacy. It’s perfect for when you want to be physically intimate with your partner but one or both of you isn’t in a good head space for sex (or perhaps, one or both of you just doesn’t want to have sex).
We’ve started watching Freeman’s Mind, a YouTube series that’s about what goes on in Dr. Freeman’s mind as he fights his way out of Black Mesa. Confession: I’ve never played Half Life. But I still really enjoy this YouTube series. It’s tightly written, comically violent and very irreverent. It’s sort of my go to brain popcorn when I’m with my partner. Many are the evenings where we both crawl onto the couch and feel beat up, so putting on Freeman’s Mind and clapping along to the intro is something that makes us both feel relaxed.
Earlier this month I bought and played a board game called Betrayal at the House on the Hill. My boyfriend and I love boardgames so fucking much. I bought this at Hobbytown over the holidays and we both love it to death. We only wish we could get our other friends to play it with us. I like that it functions like DnD lite and is slightly more accessible. It takes up to six people to play, has 50 scenarios, and it spooky enough for my horror inclined tastes.
Health and Wellness
In the best interest of my body, I’ve started eating more regularly and being more mindful of my health. I have a breakfast menu now which is essentially just: oatmeal with granola, a cup of coffee and a banana with chunky peanut butter. It’s inexpensive, decently healthy and filling. Great for recovering all the weight I lost over the holidays!
I’ve also started a nightly ritual that includes journaling, closing down all my screens, drinking two glasses of water and meditating. I haven’t been keeping it up every night, but I’ve noticed that I’m starting to fall asleep earlier! Success!
Maybe it’s from watching Jenna Marbles, maybe it’s from all the articles about how harmful the meat industry is, but I’ve been sort of gravitating to vegetarian/vegan food options. I’ve also noticed that it’s less expensive in a lot of ways and that you can make big batches of food and just eat off that for a week. I like that a lot. I also liked the vegan dumplings I had just the other day. FUCK THEY WERE GOOD.
Possibly because of stress (almost certainly because of stress), I’ve lost a lot of flirty energy in my life. Most of my texts have been some variation of ‘wanna cuddle?’. Which is perfectly valid, but I miss the teasing, exciting nature of flirtation. I wanna freshen up my flirting landscape
Turn ons and Toys
This month was stressful, but there were still some sexy aspects to it. This month has included a bunch of stuff like…
I’ve been super into dildos with foreskin lately. Something about the foreskin just is such a turn on, especially if the dildo is already girthy. I’ve been eyeing the Changeling from Hodgepodge Entourage (I won a dildo from them, the Sylph model). I also like the look of the Leviathan from Dread The Empire.
Nipple clamps are something I love aesthetically but historically haven’t enjoyed when they’re on my physical body. I have been trying so hard to like the nipple clamps I got from Tantus a while back. They still hurt so fucking bad.
This month I got sent a realistic dildo (review to come!) and I immediately tried it in my harness. Wearing a realistic dildo in my harness and jacking off in the mirror was both hot and an out of body experience. I really did wanna fuck that girl in the mirror.
I also discovered how intense my come fetish is. Know it’s a fantasy, but the idea of being absolutely showered in semen is super hot for me. I’m thinking of writing some erotica around it. Or maybe a Cryptokink since I don’t see anyone talking about the inflation fetish.
Mini-vibes have saved my masturbating life. With the Tri-It or the Exposed Nocturnal pressed against my clit, I can get off without a whole lot of effort. Also the controls are fucking great on these and I can easily adjust the intensity, perfect for trawling for pornographic fanfiction.
When my boyfriend and I DID have sex, we used the Butters as lube. Partially because it’s a great lube and partially because it was the easiest lube to access. It was on the nightstand while the Sliquid was in the drawer and my boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to open a drawer. Not that I’m complaining, I fucking love the Butters.
Frying vegan dumplings for the first time. Filling the bird feeder. Spending lots of time cuddling with my boyfriend. Watching Sex Education. Playing dumb card games in a tent in the freezing cold. Recovering from trauma. Putting on eye and cheek glitter to feel more human. Buying cute underwear. Making Valentine’s Day plans. Walking to a donut shop. Working out for the first time in a while. Sending ab pics.
Winter has finally come for us in America! Temperatures are dropping while our layers of clothing are increasing and we’re passing on our icy lemonades in favor of hot chocolates. The sweaty, exhibitionist days of summer are gone; now we must contend with the long, cold winter nights.
But just because it’s cold doesn’t mean we stop jerking off! FAR FROM IT. Although the cold seems daunting, here are some tips cultivated by yours truly so you can jack off without getting bothered by Jack Frost.
Pre-heat your sex toys: If you’re using body safe and waterproof toys, stick those suckers in a bowl of warm water. Some people might be in for a chilly thrill, but for those of us who shy away from frostier sensations, this’ll nix the ambient winter cold. I tell myself I’ve been boiling my dildos so much because I’m hygienic, but it’s also because stuffing myself with a warm dildo is infinitely better than a room temperature one. HOWEVER. If your toy is made from steel, test the warmth on the inside of your thigh before sticking it in your orifice. TRUST ME ON THIS.
Have a good blanket handy: This one is pretty obvious. Jacking off in a blanket nest is something we all do from time to time, but it’s especially essential in the winter. Bonus points if you can score a heated blanket.
Invest in some good socks: Whatever this looks like to you works. Maybe some sexy knit stockings or just comfortable fluffy socks. Cold feet kill my arousal, so having something on makes it easier for me to jerk off!
Masturbate during/after your shower: In addition to pre-heating your sex toys, you can also pre-heat you! Have a hot bath or shower before getting right into it so you can hold on to that heat. Or alternatively, get yourself off in the shower or bath so you don’t have to leave the heavenly warm water at all.
Hydrate with your favorite hot beverage: PAMPER YOURSELF. Have hot cocoa and leisurely masturbate to your favorite porn. Maybe spike it with some schnapps if that’s your thing! Roll out the red carpet for yourself and indulge in some gastronomic and carnal pleasure.
Get physical: Think of it this way, jacking off after exercise during the winter is going to GUARANTEE that you’re warm. That exercise can really be anything, from going for a run to doing some isometric exercise in your living room. Your body heats up and your blood and endorphins are pumping so you’ll feel nice n’ warm! And then after? You reward yourself with an orgasm! BIG WINS ALL AROUND.
Take your time with warming up: Listen, the cold kills my arousal. When I shake off my coat and clothes, most often I’m not going to want to jump to intensive stimulation right away like I would in the hot summer months. Instead, I read some erotica and slowly ease into masturbation like I would a deep stretch. And if I’m using Frank’s Monster, I’LL REALLY BE FEELING THAT STRETCH!
Eat something beforehand: It doesn’t necessarily have to be warm, but the idea is the same as #5. Digestion can make you feel warmer as well as blood is redirected your GI system, and so you’ll feel it in your trunk. Because this is (relatively) close to the genital area, you should feel pretty warm! Also you won’t be hungry when you’re jacking off. Win-win!
Use a strong external stimulator: If you can’t be pried from your pajama pants or long underwear, consider getting something like a wand vibrator to buzz one out! This works best for people with vulvas, but I imagine that it’s certainly possible for people with penises!
Light some candles: Scented candles can cozy your atmosphere right up. In addition to just being nice smelling, the ambience can make you feel comfier!
Don’t skimp on the lube: Yes the lube will probably be kinda chilly, but lube is one of those things that you’ll likely need if you’re doing anything with penetration. Though, I imagine that if you closed the cap on a container of Sliquid and then partially submerged it in warm water you might be able to warm it up. If anyone tries this, let me know how it goes!
Use a plug: For people into anal and who are lazy, a butt plug works great! Pre-heat that sucker and slide one in for your masturbation session. Also, for people with vulvas, there are vaginal plugs out there! Pop one in, drape a blanket over yourself and having something like The Nocturnal buzz one out of your clit for a session with as little movement as possible.
There is no way to say this in a way that doesn’t sound shameful. But I am an addict. To what you may ask? Well, it’s not to anything substance related. My weakness is for social media. The almost drug-like high feeling of seeing my followers retweet my work, the fun interactions, the browsing of media content, all of it is a rush for me. Heroin doesn’t hold a candle to the instant gratification of penning a tweet that gets likes. Seeing my blog do well gets me jazzed to the point of distraction. And I should be happy! But unfortunately, this gets in the way of the real crisis. As someone currently unemployed (having just quit my waitressing job), social media has been kneecapping my dreams.
By putting all my energy into my online presence, my real life situation has stagnated. I haven’t studied like I should for the tests I claim to want to take. My application for jobs lately is admittedly half-assed, wanting to just send in my resume without putting in the extra ten minutes to make it appealing to the actual employer. I can explain in part, that social media is something I’m good at and my deep fear of failure is crippling me. But of course, that just leaves the ugly solution staring me in the face. If not quitting cold turkey then at the very least highly structuring my online activity such that it doesn’t ever encroach upon my real life ambitions to such a degree ever again.
Social media is addictive to people like me. And when I say people like me, I mean people with executive dysfunction/ADD. A lot of bloggers struggle with mental illness, and I’m not any different. My struggle is one of self control, anxiety and maladaptive coping. I cope with my feelings of inadequacy and fear badly. Sometimes I get into funks where I don’t eat and don’t buy groceries because I feel stuck in my own brain. And the way I’ve been coping with this illness until now has been harmful to me and to the people who believe in me. And so something will have to change.
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t painful to write this. As I think of it now, I’m ashamed to show anyone these words. It’s tempting to hide this post in a journal entry and forget about it. But I need to make a stand here and now to tell not just myself, but everyone that I’m going to discipline myself and recover. That I’m going to get my life on track and seriously pursue my ambitions and once again commit to putting in the hard work.
So what does this mean for this blog? Is this a fiery declaration of imminent shut down? Well no. I still believe this blog is important. It’s brought me into a wonderful world that I honestly believe has made me a better person. What it will mean is that I’ll be taking a much more structured and scheduled approach. I’ll be less active on my Twitter, being reachable there for just a portion of the day. I’ll set boundaries and deadlines and work on them in a way befitting of a professional. In short, this is not the end, merely a restructuring for the benefit of myself and others.
There is one note of brightness. I know I can do this. I have the most supportive friends and family I know. My partner loves me deeply and will help me get through this. I’m going to get better. For everyone who believes in me. My parents, my partner, and my friends all want me to succeed, and I haven’t been worthy of that support. Not yet anyway. But I will be working to be worthy of these people.
I know I might not look it, but I am an anxious person. I worry constantly about my status as a non-employed person being supported and about several other existential worries. And yes, for a long while I worried about sex. But over the years, I’ve slowly learned ways to manage the nagging fears and worries in the sexual arena, and it’s made all the difference. This is intended to be a comprehensive guide to conquering all of your insecurities, but are some tips to get you started. And so without further ado: how to manage your anxiety and have better sex.
Get on a reliable birth control method. If you’ve got a vagina and ovaries, there’s a lot of fantastic options out there. Personally, I would advocate for the IUD if your insurance covers it and you can tolerate slightly more painful menstrual cramps that the procedure feels like. But if that’s not your style, other options include the pill, the ring, the implant, and the Depo-shot. If you’ve got a penis, sadly there are far fewer options for controlling your fertility. The best I can offer you is condoms unless you’d like to get a vasectomy.
Get an STI test. Most health clinics will offer one and most insurance covers it. This is basic sexual health and I understand that it may be incredibly nerve wracking to go into a clinic, but you shouldn’t encounter anything other than routine tests. They may take blood, do a vaginal swab, and may take a urine sample. It’s a little inconvenient, but having test results to look at will alleviate a lot of gnawing fears. And being tested in advance makes it easy to ask your partner or partners to get tested as well since you’ve gone ahead.
Have pregnancy tests on hand/emergency contraception on hand. If there’s a possibility you or your partners could get pregnant, having a test handily available will make it much easier for the pair of you to learn your results and then make decisions from there. Emergency contraception (the pill kind) is also extremely valuable, as having it handily available will kneecap a lot of pregnancy anxiety. It’s no substitute for regular birth control, but if your regular methods should fail, then this is vital. Plan B has a four year shelf life, so you don’t have to use it right away for it to be effective. It can be ordered online now, so make sure you’ve got something on hand before you have sex to prevent these sorts of fears.
Negotiate in advance what you want to do. This can be as simple as you like. But honestly telling your partner what you’re into and what acts are on or off the table is a good way to start.
These are the beginner tips. Once you’ve got these settled, here are a few more specific ones to make your sex life that much better:
Light the room. Having a softly lit room can do wonders for the ambience and will cast you in your best light. If you overhead light leaves something to be desired, consider some fairy lights or a standing lamp to cast your room in a warm glow.
Wear your good luck accessories. Not everyone has access to perfectly tailored lingerie or fetishwear. But a pair of bondage rope earrings? Rocking that accessory is not only cute but gives your partner a sorta subtle clue about what you’re into. If that seems too daring, pick anything that makes you feel sensual and beautiful.
Fish for a compliment or two. Listen, we all want to feel attractive and appreciated. While you shouldn’t pester your potential partner with questions about your own attractiveness, asking for a little feedback is normal and will boost your self esteem.
Journal about your worst fear. Once you’ve got your fear on the page, you can properly address it. Maybe you’ll see it’s something irrational, like your partner being a murderous serial killer. Or maybe it’s more rational, like you’re worried about a particular scar. Either way, now that you’ve got it on paper, you can address it and formulate a way to communicate it to your partner.
Take a deep breath and think about your best feature. If you’re plagued by anxiety with how your body looks, consider that this person likely wouldn’t have accepted your invitation to sleep with you if they didn’t find you attractive. And also? Mostly, people have what you expect under their clothes. There will be genitals, shaved or hairy or some stage in between. There will be cellulite, scars, freckles and birthmarks. They have all these things, just like you. And they probably don’t care about yours.
Exercise. Now I don’t mean in the lose weight sense. I mean in the ‘get your blood flowing and your endorphins going sense’. Exercise often makes people feel more positive and upbeat. Whatever this looks like for you is excellent. Maybe you go up and down some stairs or walk around the block a few times. Maybe you bust out a couple squats. Whatever it is, a little light exercise will help you feel more confident.
Know that you’re valuable and worthy even if the encounter isn’t magical. This one is hard. If something goes wrong, it’s very easy to get very down on yourself. Please don’t. Not being able to make someone come or having a a lackluster experience in bed is normal and not something you need to beat yourself about. If you listened to your partner, respected their boundaries, and had consensual sex then you did your best. Encounters can go wrong for all kinds of reasons, and some may not have anything to do with you.
As I said, this isn’t a comprehensive guide. But as someone who used to agonize over sex and what could happen, following these kinds of guidelines has helped me to have much more pleasurable encounters that don’t have anxiety buzzing in the back of my head. So go forth and have fun!
Happy Halloween! Here’s hoping everyone has a sexy, spooky and safe night.
So followers on Twitter know I’ve been keeping up with an event termed Kinktober more or less by journaling about it. Now, some of my journaling was honestly just exploring my thoughts or feelings on a specific prompt, but somewhere along the way I veered into writing erotica. And then my exhibitionist streak reared its head and I asked you guys if you’d like me to publish some of my WRITTEN FILTH. The response was, predictably, a resounding yes. So without further ado, I present some excerpts from my journal. None of these are particularly finished, though if there’s demand I may go and write further on these stories.
Kinktober Prompt: Pegging
The harness slides up her legs, the dildo jiggling slightly with the upward movement. It settles around her hips, the briefs style design looking attractive on her powerful hips. Her ass fills out the harness attractively, the years of collegiate athletics having sculpted her body into something both powerful and sexual. She looks sporty and dominant, her chosen cock proud and erect between her legs. He’d hardly expected to find the sight of her sporting a silicone hard-on so arousing, but he felt blood flow to his groin nonetheless.
“So how do I look?” she asks, her mouth curving into that peculiar smile she had. It was aggressive and playful at the same time. Her bright blue eyes were sharp and alive with mischief. It was clear she was enjoying the way he surveyed her body, since she ‘stretched’ to show off more of herself. Her sharp white canines flashed in her smile, and he thought he could glimpse the violent, but presently unvoiced desire in her.
He swallows, looking her up and down. “I think it suits you,” he says, his voice hitching slightly as he says it. Her grin widens. “Oh? Is that so?” she replies, her voice lilting, taunting him. “I do,” he replies, not choosing to volunteer any more. Conflicting desires war in his brain, the desire to fuck and her and the desire to be fucked by her. She pouts for a moment before pushing her silicone erection down for a moment, before letting it spring back. “And what do you think of the dick I picked out?” she asks, not letting him get away with such minimal feedback.
He regards the dildo, a smooth and slim affair with a proud arch. It doesn’t look too terribly realistic, more like the symbol of a cock rather than a realistic rendering of it. And the color, a bright glittery crimson also takes away from the realism. Had she picked a more realistic model, he thinks, he might be a little more put off. But this suits her, a bright glittery cock of modest proportions. She would usually pick something girthier for fucking herself, but it seems as though she selected the dildo for its aesthetic appeal rather than something she’d like to put in herself.
“I think it’s very you,” he says, hedging again. She rolls her eyes. “That’s nice,” she replies, a slight pitch in her tone indicating irritation. “But what do you think of it? Do you like it?” she asks, her tone more insistent this time. And with that his mind is filled all unbidden with the image of her tiny form on top of his. He can see her rubbing the tip of her lubed glittery cock against his ass, teasing him with the tip by pressing it ever so gently against his asshole. She’s smiling above him, going nice and slow, trying to get him ready to take it. He can imagine her slowly sliding her pretty cock to the hilt in his ass, and images of his athletic girlfriend rocking her hips and fucking him nice and slow are plastered on the inside of his eyelids. He feels a thrill go up his back and his cock swells again, betraying his arousal. He thinks she might not catch it, but her eyes lock onto his groin and that sharp, aggressive smile curves her lips again. “I think you might like it,” she says, putting a hand onto his swelling cock, gently rubbing her thumb over the head of it, the same way she does when she’s teasing him.
“I think you might want to take it for a test run,”
Kinktober Prompt: Voyeurism
There’s another person in the shower stall next to the one she wants to use, she notices, shedding her fluffy bathrobe and hanging on the shower hook. Her male companion simply unwraps the towel from his waist and hangs it on adjacent hook. He catches her staring at him and smirks. His gaze travels up her curves, and her cheeks redden from such unabashed attention. Her gaze flits around, fighting not to stare at his groin. She can feel arousal cause herself to get slick, with her arousal heightened by the fact that there’s someone else in the room. It isn’t obvious that they’ve noticed her and her companion there. At least, not yet.
She turns on the shower, standing just outside of it while she waits for the water to get warm. Her companion comes up behind her, grinding his cock against her ass and his arms coming around to roughly squeeze her breasts. He kneads them with strong hands, rolling them around and then squeezing and pinching at her nipples. When he twists her nipples harshly, the pleasure and pain of it break her composure and she groans. His soft laugh reaches her ears, and she only just stifles a sigh. “You’re such a tease,” she whispers, her voice just heard over the water. He bends to press his lips to her neck, a soft sucking kiss that transforms into a bite. The pleasure and pain of it is intense enough that a moan tumbles from her lips.
“Are we going to get in?” she asks, her voice breathy. He answers by grabbing her ass hard. “I don’t know, you seem to be enjoying yourself out here,” he replies, and he lets go to slip his hand between her legs and rub at her slick pussy. His fingers tease her entrance and it takes a concentrated will to force out these words: “But I think I’ll have more fun if you pin me to the wall and fuck me,” she replies, her words coming out as a moan. Her brazeness surprises the both of them and she can almost feel his body get hotter.
That little out burst of honesty and arousal seems to convince him and he lets go of her and follows her into the shower. She steps in, feeling the warm water run down her body in rivulets and she is acutely aware of being watched. She reaches back and gives her ass a light smack, and he rewards her with a low whistle. He doesn’t wait long to press his sculpted body against her softer one. He is made all of firm and angular lines, and she thinks, ever so briefly, that this must be what having sex with a Grecian marble statue would feel like. Strong hands haul her upwards and flip her around to face him and she hooks her legs around him. He slides inside her easily, filling her tight little body up with hot cock. The lines in his face change slightly and she breathes out a shaky moan as she gets used to the feeling of him inside her. He moves and presses her against the cool, tile wall of the shower, getting ready to pound into her hard and rough. She can hear sounds of movement coming from the shower adjacent to theirs.
“I think someone’s noticed us,” she breathes into his ear. She doesn’t so much see as feel his smile against her shoulder. His teeth meet the skin of her shoulder and he bites her again and she moans whorishly. When he releases her shoulder he replies, “So let’s put on a show for them then,”
Kinktober Prompt: Lingerie
“You know that outfit isn’t fair right?” he says, taking a look at me in my newest pieces. “You know I didn’t wear to be fair, right?” I respond, shifting and reveling in the silkiness of the fabric against my skin. “I wore it to see if I could make you cum in your pants.” My words come out as a taunt and he grins in response.
“Well it didn’t work. But it does make me want to fuck you,” he breathes, running his hands over my sides, stroking me and feeling my curves. I laugh, a particular three note laugh that he knows very well. He pauses for just a moment and looks at me. “Alright, what’ve you got planned?” he asks, his voice tinged with a little sadness. “Oh come on, you didn’t think it was going to be that easy, did you?” I ask, my lips curved into a smile. “Besides, I’m not going to ask you to do much,” I reassure him, gently pushing away his hands as I step back and pull something from a drawer in the bedroom. He frowns as he watches, clearly anticipating something truly devious. Well, he’ll be relieved to see what it is.
I pull out the filmy piece of fabric and he narrows his eyes when he looks it over. He takes it from my hands and runs his fingers over the lacy tops slowly, and then down the silky length of them, examining what it is I’ve gotten for him. “So,” he says, when he’s finally finished looking it over. “You want me to wear this?” His voice pitches up at the end, his eyes still narrowed but his mouth less of a frown. He’s rubbing the fabric between his fingers repetitively, almost meditatively. I hop up onto the bed, perching just so. “Well,” I start, looking at him from under my lashes. “I was hoping you’d fuck me while wearing them. You said if I could find anything in your size that you’d do it,” I respond, keeping my voice neutral. He snorts, but it’s got humor in it. I feel pretty hopeful. “You know,” he says, a small smile playing around his lips. “I didn’t think you’d actually do it. But you’re right,” he says, and I feel my smile widening to almost cartoonish proportions.
He strips off his underwear and his cock bounces, free of its restraint. I can feel my hyperactive libido kicking in and his smile turns into a smirk. He’s gotten my attention and he’s savoring it. He’s not fully hard yet, maybe about half way there and it’s taking all of my will power not to take his cock in my mouth. No, instead I wait, subtly grinding my pussy against the bed in anticipation. “What’s up?” he asks, his voice teasing. He noticed my fidgeting. “I just can’t wait to see you with those on,” I say. And it’s at least partly honest. I do want to see him wearing that, but almost equally intense is the desire to have him slide his dick into my slickening cunt. He sits on the bed and slides on the first thigh high stocking. It’s clear he’s never put them on before. “It’s easier if you roll them up first,” I say and he looks at me with his eyebrows quirked. “Like this,” I instruct, taking the other stocking from where he set it down and rolling it up. “Huh,” he responds, and then mimics my instructions, sliding on the stocking much more quickly. It hugs his thigh just right and we both look at it for a moment.
“It fits,” he says and I look at him sharply. It more than fits, it fits like a dream. But I don’t say anything. I instead watch him slide on the other stocking. I slip my hand down the front of my panties and start to circle my clit with my middle finger, unable to take this kind of teasing. The crotch of my panties gets wetter, a faint dark patch beginning to spread on the silky outside. “Someone’s impatient,” laughs my partner as he watches me finger myself. “Someone’s been pent up all day imagining what you’ll look like in that” I shoot back, pressing hard against my clit. The pressure is just what I want, and there’s a shiver in my voice. God, did I know he’d be so hot? His thighs framed perfectly by the black thigh high stockings, his cock now fully hard, the sight of him is going to drive me crazy. My breathing is a little more ragged. A bead of pre-cum glistens on the head of his cock, and I can feel my body temperature rising.
“Like the show?” I ask him, spreading my legs so he can get a better look at me fingering myself. His gaze is now locked on what my fingers are doing. Small wet noises are coming from my pussy and his grin fades, replaced by a hungry look. “I do,” he says as he hooks his fingers into the waistband of my panties. “But I need to be in there.” With that, he slips my panties off my legs and tosses them to the side.
He pushes me down onto my back, barely taking the time to line his cock up properly before stuffing me full. His dick slides in easily, my anticipation and heightened arousal making it easy for him. I whimper, he groans. He doesn’t wait long before picking up the pace, pumping into me with the ferocity of a man who’s patience has been run completely out. I grasp at his back, still careful not to scratch him. “Harder,” I gasp, and he obliges me. He slams himself into me over and over and I mewl under him. “You like being wrapped around my cock my little slut?” he growls in my ear. I can barely get out a breathy ‘yes’. I feel like I’m melting around him, he knows what calling me his slut does to me. “Fuck you feel tight,” he groans, and suddenly he pulls out. Confused, I start to ask him what he’s doing when he flips me onto my stomach and pulls me onto all fours. He smacks me sharply across the ass, a full open handed smack that makes me moan. I must’ve really excited him today. Then he grabs me by the hip with one hand and then guides his cock back into me with the other. “That’s better,” he says, and starts fucking me in that ferocious rhythm again.
He squeezes my hips hard before pressing down on my back so I’m face down on the bed. Oh fuck, I think, turning around to look at him. His face is screwed up in that determined way that he gets when he’s close. “I’m gonna cum,” he says, and moves his hand between my legs. His fingers find my clit and start to rub in a hard tight circle. “Oh fuck!” I gasp, and my pussy clenches around him, hard. “Cum inside me,” I beg, needing to feel his cum in me. His pace doesn’t slow, and neither do his fingers. Orgasm is thundering closer and closer, and it hits me all in an instant. I cum around his cock, my pussy flexing and squeezing sporadically around him. It’s just a few seconds later that he hilts me one last time, and I can feel his cock pulsing in me as he cums. He pants, holding still. He knows I want him to give me every last drop, so he stays still for a long time before slipping his softening dick out of me and then collapsing next to me on the bed. He pants softly, eyes closed and body glistening from the exertion. His arms pull me into him and we’re spooning now. Basking in the afterglow of a hard fuck.
“I love you,” I whisper to him. “I love you,” he whispers back, shifting ever so slightly so that he can snuggle me better. There’s a comfortable pause before, with a slight smile in my voice I say, “So the thigh highs were a good idea?”
It’s Halloween, and therefore it is time to bust out your movie snack of choice and dig in to some horror movies. Earlier I spoke with Lust Arts about collaborating on a Halloween Movie Watch List, and to my delight, they were up for such a collaboration! Here’s our list of recommended horror movies:
Earlier this year I wrote a post about UTIs and how to avoid them. In it, I repeated much of the standard stuff about wiping front to back and drinking plenty of water. I should have also mentioned wearing cotton underwear and not putting yogurt on your vagina if you’re prone to such infections, but I digress. What I want to talk about in this post is my experience I had with chronic UTIs. And I mean chronic in the sense that almost every time after PiV I would pee straight after intercourse and still get a UTI. Had it not been for my NP, I might’ve just thought I was condemned to a life of filling this or that prescription for different courses of Macrobid or Bactrim. But my NP wanted to get to the bottom of my burning problems, so she had me tested for something I’ve never heard of: ureaplasma.
What is ureaplasma? According to my doctor, they’re part of a group of organisms called mycoplasmas, which are bacteria without cell walls. The ureaplasma in particular usually inhabit the vagina, cervix, and occasionally the urethra of the penis. This bacteria generally doesn’t cause problems, but on some rare incidences, the presence of ureaplasma in the urethra of a vulva can cause chronic UTIs. But how does this happen? The ureaplasma is not the bacteria of the infection, instead, it makes the colonization of infectious bacteria much easier. Ureaplasma is passed sexually, though it isn’t commonly listed as an STI because of its presence in healthy individuals who don’t experience any symptoms. This means that if one partner has an issue with the bacteria, both partners need to be treated to avoid passing the infection back and forth.
Testing for the ureaplasma was a bit difficult for me. I’m more than used to providing samples for urinalysis, but one of the tests for ureaplasma is the ‘clean catch’ test. This test involves collecting the urine sample mid-stream so that you can get a good look at the sample without any interference from the vaginal flora. To further this aim, the doctor provided me with some antibacterial wipes so that there would be as little interference from my vaginal flora as possible. Well, this kind of test required me to have impeccable timing and sadly I did botch it. Luckily, after I washed my hands, the second test was a vaginal swab and I was able to do that no problem. After I turned in my samples, I was given a stop gap prescription of Macrobid in the event that it wasn’t ureaplasma.
About four days later, the doctor confirmed that I did indeed have ureaplasma and was told to discontinue use of the Macrobid. I was prescribed a two week course of doxycycline, which some people know from using it as an anti-malarial. This medication had to be taken twice a day and I was barred from sexual intercourse, which wasn’t an issue since my partner was away for the summer.The medication was rough on my body, and there was one instance of it making me so ill that I vomited and had to call in sick from work. But I persevered and completed the medication course. But because of the nature of the bacteria, my partner also needed to take a round of medication or else he’d risk re-infecting me when we had sex. I cannot tell you what a blessing my partner is. When I was anxious about asking him to go in for this testing, he reassured me that he was more than happy to do this since he had been worried about hurting me and was glad there was a solution.
After the summer, he was finally able to convince the doctor to give him a swab test and a prescription. The swab test indeed confirmed he had the ureaplasma and he was given the go ahead to start his medication. He took doxycycline twice a day, though the nausea that I had experienced was notably absent. During this time, we refrained from what we termed ‘a touching reunion’ for a full month, waiting for the medication. It felt like an eternity waiting for him to finish the medication. But once we had both completed the medication, the satisfaction of being able to be sexually intimate with my partner again sans the persistent fear of infection was absolutely worth it.
Now that we’re nearly a month out from the medication, I’ve been pain and infection free despite having several PiV encounters with my partner. I’m keeping up with my prevention techniques by making sure I’m adequately hydrated and I’ve ditched all my thongs, but I feel noticeably improved. I’m sharing this story in the hopes that it reaches the people who are in a similar chronic UTI situation. While this may not be the case for everyone who has chronic UTIs, it’s something I’ve not seen talked about very often as a possible cause behind chronic infection. I believe that this lack of conversation around it has people buying every cranberry pill, taking lots of unnecessary medication which is contributing to antibiotic resistance and generally feeling broken because of their constant infection. If you’re suffering from chronic UTIs, I would urge you to ask your doctor to test you for this. Insist if you have to, because sometimes getting your best healthcare requires self-advocating. Doxycycline quite literally saved my sex life and it might save yours too.
So now we come to the second part of my Warming Up series. I’ve already discussed what foreplay is, or what my personal definition of it is, this post is meant as sort of a rough guideline of possible foreplay activities. Most of this has been drawn from my own personal experience so your mileage may vary. This isn’t meant as an instructional guide on foreplay, merely offering my methods to see if you find anything you might want as an addition to your warm up repertoire.
In warming up for vaginal penetration
In warming up for vaginal penetration, there are a couple of things I’ll do differently depending on whether I’m preparing for PiV sex or if I’m planning on penetrating myself with a dildo. With a partner, I enjoy giving and receiving oral to get ourselves physically and mentally ready. Personally speaking, giving my partner a blowjob before sex makes me feel incredibly sensual and sometimes gets me aroused enough for penetration all on its own. Being able to control the experience my partner receives isn’t something I get to feel when I get fucked, so I relish the control I have for the time being.
Because my partner values reciprocity, he’s often not the only one getting oral. In fact, even with the difference in our sizes, we’ve actually pulled off the 69 position to great success. Getting oral is a fantastic act in its own right, and for some people it may be the whole sexual encounter , but I often find it to be an amazing warm up for PiV with my wonderful partner. When receiving oral, I prefer to also be fingered at the same time. The internal stimulation and getting used to being penetrated makes it so I can enjoy feeling stretched by my partner without feeling claustrophobic from his dick. I know it seems strange that my vagina with size queen tendencies can feel claustrophobic from anything, but it remains the case. If I don’t warm up to penetration and I’m not turned on enough, it’ll hurt.
If I’m warming up for a solo session, I’ll often start off with a vibrator. I’ve got a few that have been featured so far, namely the much loved Turbo Glider and Mystic Wand. Warming up my clit turns me on and gets me ready for a dildo. Now, I should use a smaller dildo in preparation for my larger ones, but most times? I just go straight for it and endure a little discomfort as my body gets used to it. In this respect, I would ask my readers to please use smaller dildos to warm up first rather than just plunging in. Your orifices will thank you.
The last crucial piece for warming up is: LUBE. I cannot stress enough how essential a good lube has been for my sex and masturbation life. Good Clean Love’s original formula was my go to until I noticed I started having some irritation, so I discontinued use. Thankfully, Good Clean Love has graciously offered to send me their BioNude formula, which I’m very grateful for. In the meantime, I ordered both the Butters and Sliquid from Peepshow, which preliminary testing is showing some very good results! Of course, I’ll fill you in more on a later post with regards to how these lubes feel.
In warming up for anal play
So a quick disclaimer: I’ve not had penetrative anal sex yet. Well, I’ve had an entire 8 inch dick in my ass, but after insertion (we didn’t use lube) it got pretty uncomfortable so he pulled out and we moved on to something else. So most of my experience with anal has been using toys or getting my ass fingered. Regardless, here’s how I warm up.
Usually I start with lots of lube and gentle digital penetration, because my butt is a delicate flower. The few times I’ve been impatient, I’ve wound up bleeding slightly and had to take a long break from anal play of any kind. So if I’m doing anything with my butt, I make some time to read some erotica, stimulate my clit, and slowly ease into anal. Making sure my clit is involved ensures that I’m turned on enough and still feeling pleasure while I’m easing into anal.
I’ve also done an enema in preparation for anal, though I later wasn’t able to actually follow through on that desire. I’ve done an enema using a bulb, and while I did feel cleaner, I felt oddly dehydrated and headachey afterward. This bad feeling nipped any chance of sex in the bud, so my partner and I ended up just snuggling while I recovered. So if you’re planning on doing an enema, I’d recommend: 1. Doing several rinses. 2. Making sure you’ve got access to a bathroom you can hog for about an hour. 3. Drinking plenty of water in the event you feel like me after. Also, while an enema once in a while is fine, too many too close together can really upset your gut flora! So be mindful and take care of your body.
You know your body best and know where your limits are. The things I’ve described above may work for you, and they may not. I encourage you to experiment with several activities and to take your time in getting your body ready. In a lot of ways, warming up for sex is like warming up for any other athletic event. Take your time to get your mind and body ready so that you can enjoy whatever encounter you decide to participate in!
Welcome to another installment of Cryptokink, wherein I explore some of the more fantastical fetishes that I’ve found online. This time I’m examining teratophilia, something that’s grown quite a bit more popular on the internet!
So what is teratophilia? According to the definition provided by Wikitionary it is: “1. The paraphilia characterized by sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous people. 2. Attraction to monsters.” But what does this mean in practice? For some people, it might mean an attraction to people considered conventionally ugly, leaning towards the first listed definition. But for a growing population on the internet, and for the purposes of this post, it means that they get turned on by things that are…more than human.
In reality, teratophilia, or at least a degree of it, is quite common. Paranormal Romance is a sub-genre that is rapidly gaining popularity within the romance market, featuring broody vampire or werewolf boyfriends which woo the heroines and the readers. Twilight comes to mind as a popular, if somewhat nasty example of the growing trend. The television series Teen Wolf also comes to mind, as well as the Netflix series Hemlock Grove, which I personally enjoyed. This doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone who liked Edward Cullen in middle school is now a card-carrying teratophile. Just that this fetish, despite its seeming niche appearance is actually pretty common.
Of course, teratophilia isn’t just sulky vampires who can’t decide between fucking and eating you. A number of the kinksters who identify as teratophiles actually see vampires and succubi as the ‘vanilla’ version of the kink. A significant amount of teratophilic art features aberrant, eldritch horrors getting it on with their human counterparts, often with these human counterparts enthusiastically receiving their alien lover. What Lovecraft considered horrifying and ghastly, these individuals consider a perfect fuck buddy. Often times, teratophilia will coincide with a number of kinks. Oviposition, which I wrote about earlier, is often in tandem with a monstrous lover. Some inflation porn coincides with having a monster pump you full of its fluids. Macro/microphilia occasionally plays its part in scenarios, with the monster towering above its lover by a significant margin. Put simply, teratophilia enjoys a lot of crossover appeal because of how broad the definition of monster is.
So, if you are a teratophiliac, how is it exactly that you get your fix? While monster roleplay is certainly an option, I most often hear of it indulged through written or visual erotica. Some erotica uses real life actors, with some of the actors posing as the monster, while other pornography uses either drawn or CGI characters to get the desired effect of monster fucking. In addition to this, there are also a number of companies that make fantastically shaped sex toys to really scratch that itch for teratophiles. While many large brands worry about veering too far off the human model, other brands such as Uberrime, XenoCat, Lust Arts, and Exotic Erotics have stepped forward to meet the challenge. Each of these companies produce unique designs that are pleasurable in their own right, as well as potentially scratching that itch of someone wanting to get it on with a creature of the night.
A lot of teratophilia fiction is available on blogging platforms like Tumblr and on fanfiction sites like Ao3 if you’re interested in exploring on your own. On Tumblr, there are both SFW and NSFW teratophile blogs, allowing you to engage with the material at your level of comfort. As with most kinks, teratophilia can be experienced in a variety of ways and moods, so for as many stories featuring a borderline violent encounter with a monster in the dark, there are beautiful stories of tender fucking with your loving orc spouse. And so with that, I leave you to go out and find your own perfect monster significant other!