Sex by the Seaside

Note to literal minded readers: This is a joke and I hope it makes you laugh!

So you’re at the beach with your s/o and the two (or more) of you are feeling randy. You remember the jokes about sand in your crotch, so you wisely avoid having sex on the actual dunes. But then you start to wonder…what are my options for actual sex at the beach?

Well, I’m delighted you asked! I had a great deal of seaside sex this past weekend and I’m just burning to tell you all about it!

SEX BY THE SEASIDE
Ah the sea. Picturesque and the perfect place to get sand in your crotch.

1. Sunburn Sex

Ah sunburn sex. Perhaps the next most iconic type of sex at the beach aside from the sandy sex. You get back from a perfect day at the beach and you get ready to get down and dirty with your significant other when you realize something horrible. You’re both the exact same shade as freshly boiled lobsters. But don’t despair! There’s workarounds that’ll make this happen!

The first part is slathering the both of you in aloe to stop the burning. Be sure to lay down a towel so your sheets don’t smell like aloe or get stained! It’s like period sex, but with more unbearable skin burning!

Part two is all about delicate angling so that the two of you don’t touch each other’s burns. You might need to be creative depending on where your burns are, so some flexibility is required! Or if you’re a kinky sort, you can bring your burns into impact play for a new level of intensity! Bonus points if you peel each other’s sunburn as a form of aftercare.

And the final part of sunburn sex is setting a glacially slow, consistent pace. This is so you don’t accidentally jolt your partner and upset their skin! Spontaneity is out for sunburn sex, while awkward twister positions, borderline gratuitous aloe and meticulous planning with accompanying diagrams is in.

2. Cramped Shower Sex

The clever among us will realize that having sex in the shower while at the beach is absolutely the move! Cool water soothing burns, sand and sunscreen residue coming away, this sounds just perfect right?

Of course it does! All you have to do is wedge two bodies into your cramped shower at your rental place and then have at it. You might be kicking yourself for not bringing only water-based lube or struggling to position yourselves, but at least it’s better than gritty sand sex!

This kind of sexual experience isn’t exclusive to the beach, but the beach does put a bit of a spin on it. Some things you won’t get anywhere else such as: Noticing the ring of sand hanging around the drain, wondering if the brackish taste in your mouth is shower water or leftovers from the ocean and if your partner is noticing it when you kiss them, and keeping your caresses carefully off sunburns!

And now for our last, extra special version of beach sex:

3. Gritty Sheets Sex

For those of us who want an authentic, if somewhat milder beach sex experience, gritty sheets sex is for you. Achieving this is simple: if you exist at your beach rental and don’t remove every microscopic granule of sand, then it gets in your sheets! All you have to do is be a human who existed at the beach and then later has sex and you’ll experience that classic mild but not extreme discomfort of individual sand particles scraping against your back.

Now remember, this is just a taste of the myriad of seaside sexual opportunities! So much more is in store for you such as ‘Jellyfish Sting Sex’ and ‘Disappointing Beach Bro Sex’ and more beyond that! But now that you’ve got a taste of it, go forth and fuck!

12 Tips For Winter Masturbation

Winter has finally come for us in America! Temperatures are dropping while our layers of clothing are increasing and we’re passing on our icy lemonades in favor of hot chocolates. The sweaty, exhibitionist days of summer are gone; now we must contend with the long, cold winter nights.

But just because it’s cold doesn’t mean we stop jerking off! FAR FROM IT. Although the cold seems daunting, here are some tips cultivated by yours truly so you can jack off without getting bothered by Jack Frost.

STAY WARM PHOTO
The Nocturnal bullet and the Maestro posed next to my piping hot tea and a scented candle.
  1. Pre-heat your sex toys: If you’re using body safe and waterproof toys, stick those suckers in a bowl of warm water. Some people might be in for a chilly thrill, but for those of us who shy away from frostier sensations, this’ll nix the ambient winter cold. I tell myself I’ve been boiling my dildos so much because I’m hygienic, but it’s also because stuffing myself with a warm dildo is infinitely better than a room temperature one. HOWEVER. If your toy is made from steel, test the warmth on the inside of your thigh before sticking it in your orifice. TRUST ME ON THIS.
  2. Have a good blanket handy: This one is pretty obvious. Jacking off in a blanket nest is something we all do from time to time, but it’s especially essential in the winter. Bonus points if you can score a heated blanket.
  3. Invest in some good socks: Whatever this looks like to you works. Maybe some sexy knit stockings or just comfortable fluffy socks. Cold feet kill my arousal, so having something on makes it easier for me to jerk off!
  4. Masturbate during/after your shower: In addition to pre-heating your sex toys, you can also pre-heat you! Have a hot bath or shower before getting right into it so you can hold on to that heat. Or alternatively, get yourself off in the shower or bath so you don’t have to leave the heavenly warm water at all.
  5. Hydrate with your favorite hot beverage: PAMPER YOURSELF. Have hot cocoa and leisurely masturbate to your favorite porn. Maybe spike it with some schnapps if that’s your thing! Roll out the red carpet for yourself and indulge in some gastronomic and carnal pleasure.
  6. Get physical: Think of it this way, jacking off after exercise during the winter is going to GUARANTEE that you’re warm. That exercise can really be anything, from going for a run to doing some isometric exercise in your living room. Your body heats up and your blood and endorphins are pumping so you’ll feel nice n’ warm! And then after? You reward yourself with an orgasm! BIG WINS ALL AROUND.
  7. Take your time with warming up: Listen, the cold kills my arousal. When I shake off my coat and clothes, most often I’m not going to want to jump to intensive stimulation right away like I would in the hot summer months. Instead, I read some erotica and slowly ease into masturbation like I would a deep stretch. And if I’m using Frank’s Monster, I’LL REALLY BE FEELING THAT STRETCH!
  8. Eat something beforehand: It doesn’t necessarily have to be warm, but the idea is the same as #5. Digestion can make you feel warmer as well as blood is redirected your GI system, and so you’ll feel it in your trunk. Because this is (relatively) close to the genital area, you should feel pretty warm! Also you won’t be hungry when you’re jacking off. Win-win!
  9. Use a strong external stimulator: If you can’t be pried from your pajama pants or long underwear, consider getting something like a wand vibrator to buzz one out! This works best for people with vulvas, but I imagine that it’s certainly possible for people with penises!
  10. Light some candles: Scented candles can cozy your atmosphere right up. In addition to just being nice smelling, the ambience can make you feel comfier!
  11. Don’t skimp on the lube: Yes the lube will probably be kinda chilly, but lube is one of those things that you’ll likely need if you’re doing anything with penetration. Though, I imagine that if you closed the cap on a container of Sliquid and then partially submerged it in warm water you might be able to warm it up. If anyone tries this, let me know how it goes!
  12. Use a plug: For people into anal and who are lazy, a butt plug works great! Pre-heat that sucker and slide one in for your masturbation session. Also, for people with vulvas, there are vaginal plugs out there! Pop one in, drape a blanket over yourself and having something like The Nocturnal buzz one out of your clit for a session with as little movement as possible.