Sickness and Sex

Sex positivity is a learned behavior in our sex negative culture. Letting people other than men learn to own their bodies and seek pleasure is a radical attitude that deserves to permeate our culture. Decoupling pleasure from the taboo and from the ‘dirty’/’clean’ dynamic is…frankly a struggle. And it’s something that I’ve come up against recently.

Two weeks ago, I went in to see my GYN for some routine testing and to talk about my menstrual depression. I was seen and heard by this woman who valued my concerns, who thoughtfully made some suggestions about coping with my anhedonia. When I left, I had a bandaid on my arm and a prescription in my hand that I cautiously hoped would ease me back into being the vibrant human being that I am. I was ready to contribute to the posts advocating getting tested and voice my support for tearing down the idea that STIs made everyone dirty.

Of course, until my syphilis test came back with an abnormality. According to the doctor,  my test had come back with something amiss and I would need secondary results. I felt like I’d run into a brick wall. I felt…blind sided and sideswiped and…I loathed myself. I felt dirty and disgusting. A chill of fear that twisted my guts as I told my partner that he might need to go in for treatment. I stumbled over my words as I told him that I couldn’t explain how it could possibly have happened and that it must’ve been a false positive. He held me and told me that even if I were positive that this was an easy fix. I shuddered in his arms as he reassured me that he didn’t think I was dirty or nasty and that he still loved me. For the next two weeks, he would repeat over and over again that he still loved me and he wanted to be with me even if he did have to get a shot. The support from him was vital, and it made the days easier knowing he was on my side.

Those two weeks I was in a deep funk. I was adjusting to new medication which messed with my libido in addition to battling my own internalized shame. I didn’t masturbate or have an orgasm for two weeks. I didn’t touch my toys for fear of getting them ‘dirty’. I felt ashamed to take food from the delivery person, wondering whether or not I was able to spread it to other people from just casual contact. The intellectual side of me knew that I wasn’t ‘contagious’ and that a simple shot was all that would be required if I were positive…but my emotional side said ‘he’s gonna leave you, you crazy dirty bitch’.

Just this Friday, the 22nd of February I received notice that my result was a false positive. Relief flooded through me as I showed my partner the results. If I’d slipped the hangman’s noose I don’t think I could’ve been more giddy. But even as I celebrated, something tickled my mind. Understanding. Having a sex positive attitude is work. These are ingrained attitudes in us and it takes time to unlearn the toxic crap our culture inundates us with. And it takes effort to confront how these attitudes manifest in your own mind. I came up against my own attitudes in these two weeks and learned how fucking valuable it is that there are bloggers and sexuality educators fighting the stigma and trying advocate for sexual health. To anyone fighting the good fight and to make sex healthier and more normalized, I see you. When I was angsting out of my fucking mind, I looked frantically for resources and I fucking found them thanks to y’all. Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood and many more provide resources and sex education. But more than that, the blog squad is there, with people like Kelvin Sparks and Suz Ellis providing information and positivity with regards to sexual health.

If you’re struggling with depression and sexual health, there’s people who understand. I’ve learned that I deserve love no matter my diagnosis. And you do too.

Liz’s Christmas Wishlist

Dear Santa, 

I’ve been a very good blogger this year. I’ve reviewed dildos, butt plugs, lube, kink implements, vibrators and given my honest advice and thoughts on a number of miscellaneous topic. More specifically, I’ve talked an awful lot about urinary health, toxic toys and relationships, how to jerk off in the winter and what toys you can stuff yourself with on a modest budget. I’ve licked lube, made friends online and proudly presented my darling partner with our latest silicone treasures. 

And so this year, dearest Santa, I’ve come up with some things that I’d like for Christmas for being such a good blogger.

  • Sex toys and Misc.
  • Writing Aids
  • Kink Toys
  • Literature

Sex toys and Misc.

  1. Liberator Throe: Man, where do you begin with this. Everyone who likes to have sex ought to have one. It’s been touted as perfect for squirters, people who have sex on their period and generally as superior to the ol’ towel in every respect. I’d love to have one of these, if only so testing during my period is less awkward. WELL AND SO THAT I DON’T STAIN AFTER MY BOYFRIEND LEAVES. Listen, not using condoms feels great but it does make clean up a little more intensive.
  2. The Rechargeable Magic Wand: Oh how I’ve lusted for you. I’ve refrained from getting it due to the price tag, but I’m wooed by the tales of effortless orgasms and the freedom that a cordless vibrator offers. While I’m still delighted with my Unicorn Vibrator, ours is an open relationship, and the Magic Wand Rechargeable look like just what my clit needs.
  3. Vixen Creations Woody: THE RED!! God I’m in love with red sex toys. They’re perfectly passionate and I’ve heard nothing but good things about Woody. I think it would look perfect in my new strap on harness, a nicely sized red dildo superimposed on black briefs really speaks to my slutty jock heart. 
  4. A full sized stroker: What? A toy not for me?? Nah, this is still totally for me. I want to use a stroker on my boyfriend! It’s not often I’m dominant, but sometimes, you get possessed by the urge to taunt your partner as you get him off. Pair that with a cute outfit and you’ve got an adorable BDSM scene!
  5. Ruse 18 Inch Double Dildo: I’ve kind of always had a fantasy of making myself bulge through the use of a double-ended dildo. The idea of seeing my flat, athletic tummy bulging as I slide a dildo deep, deep into my ass is…shiver-inducingly hot. However, most double ended toys are made of TPE or jelly, some distinctly unfriendly toy materials.  HOWEVER! This Blush Novelties answered my dreams by making a body safe, silicone dil that I can fulfill my dreams with. And the icing on top is that it comes in RED.

Writing Aids

  1. A Moleskine Journal: People swear by these and I want to try one out for myself! I’d love to feel like a true romantic, journaling away in some quietly comfortable coffee shop. So far, I’ve kept a journal on my laptop, which has gotten to over 160 pages of personal writing. More than 60,000 words! I’m very proud, but it’s getting so that my laptop will start to chug when I open the document. Maybe it’s time to go analog?
  2. A Grammar Handbook: Having one of these close at hand to pore over would be wonderful. Often times, I bully my friends into beta-reading a post for me, and they catch all sorts of grammatical errors. Feeling a little ashamed of this, I think a style guide would really be right up my alley.
  3. Zebra Mechanical Pencils: These are my most favorite mechanical pencils. They write well, don’t feel cheap and are delightfully portable!
  4. A Set of Highlighters: I LOVE ANNOTATING MY LITERATURE. And I love making things pretty. Ergo, highlighters (the pen type, not the face type) are kinda my jam. It helps out a lot!

Kink Toys

  1. Kinklab Leather Wrist Cuffs: I’ve a taste for rope bondage, ergo my rope bondage post regarding Agreeable Agony. But for a long time now I’ve longed to complete a leather set and own some handcuffs for when I don’t want to go through being tied up.
  2. Tantus Dragon Tail: Having gotten a taste of the Gen, I’m ever so curious to try more Tantus impact toys. I’d love to feel the thwack of the tail against my ass and maybe (finally) bruise my steely ass. Also, the suede like feeling of the silicone is just beautiful. Ah Tantus. You know impact implements so well.
  3. Stockroom Bust Harness: The aesthetic of this harness is just gorgeous. One day, I hope to look just as hot as the girls modeling this gorgeous harness. Maybe somewhere in North Carolina there’s a bondage club I can go to where this would be appropriate. Or maybe I could just…wear it under my clothes?
  4. Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints: Again, this is for the lazy, impatient submissive who DOES NOT want to wait to be restrained. I want to struggle against some restraints and I want to do it now! This would make it ever so convenient for my and my partner. Because all we have is rope, we most often go for the quick solution of him manually pinning my wrists while he fucks me, but this would be quick and hands free!
  5. Aussie Health Co Enema Kit: Once again, I must shyly confess to my fantasy of being filled up completely. I have a bit of a cum fetish, and I often fantasize about being pumped full of semen so that I swell and look a few months pregnant. While such a thing could be organized in reality, an enema can provide a quicker and cheaper way for me to be filled up. Bonus: it’d clean me out for anal. Maybe then I can lose my anal virginity!

Literature

  1. Female Ejaculation and The G Spot: I’ve wanted to squirt for a long time. I purchased the Pure Wand because I read it was the perfect instrument to cause such an explosive orgasm. Hopefully by absorbing the knowledge contained in these pages, I’ll be able to learn how to squirt!
  2. Playing Well With Others: It’s a BDSM book! Something I, a BDSM newbie would love to have. I’ve enjoyed my collar and playing in the shallow end, but I’m super curious of what’s beyond the sand bars. I’m saying I wanna try some kinkier stuff, and reading about it is the first way to get there!
  3. Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: ANOTHER BDSM BOOK. My boyfriend and I are confirmed rope lovers, so learning more about our chosen restraint would be a fun, kink themed activity for us to do together. I wonder now if he would read aloud to me…
  4. A Hand in The Bush: This time, a book about fisting people with vulvas! I’ve recently gotten my own fist in, but I’d really like to learn how to do it more consistently and pleasurably! I think it would make for a great learning experience, and it might help me discover more about how to prepare more than just my vagina!

I know it’s a long list, dearest Santa. But I have been very, very good; though if you don’t bring anything at all, I’m still having a wonderful holiday.

Happy Holidays y’all! Here’s best wishes from mine to yours.