August Wrap Up: Ballin’ on a Budget

Partnered Life

My partner is home and we’re back to our regular sexual program! We’ve been adoring having one another back in the bed together.

Another thing that we’re delighting in is our coffee drinking lives. The partner and I have inherited a frankly astonishing espresso machine that is making our caffeinated lives blissful.

My partner and I also went to DragonCon! We didn’t stay long, just passed through but it was a delightful experience. I got a few souvenirs in the form of T-shirts with a gothic vibe.

Health and Wellness

I’ve felt in better spirits this month thanks to the return of my partner. I’ve started sleeping more regularly and feel fit to continue my work writing! With my depression eased, expect to see more posts around here!

I plan on writing consistently, as well as getting to bed earlier.

Turn ons and Toys

This month  I’ve managed to procure some truly astonishing toys at bargain prices! I’ve worked my deals and used black magic to find the Vixen Johnny in Single Density, The Jopen Comet Key Wand, and the Magic Wand Rechargeable all at different price points but all significantly below their normal purchase price. The highest I paid was $79, and that was for the Magic Wand Rechargeable

I’m also making September the Month of Magic! I’ll be reviewing all my fantasy toys. They are:

Turn ons this month have tended towards the voyeuristic and the exhibitionist. Sometimes I fantasize about walking in on someone masturbating and watching them go at it while I rub one out secretly. But often I fantasize about someone catching me masturbating and finding the sight so incredibly arousing that they can’t help but jerk off.

bratphomet casual

I’ve also been fantasizing so much about my demon fantasy (that I’ve mentioned previously) that I’ve commissioned a character to act out that fantasy! You’ve seen her on my Twitter and I’m formally introducing her now on my blog. Her name is Bellephagor, and she’s a Baphomet. Standing at 5’0″, she’s short but imposing. She’s also the Head of the Torture Department in Hell. Rumor has it that she’s known to sexually torment a lucky few sinners~. This makes me want to write a post about sexual exploration through art and living vicariously through characters. Do you think this would be a good idea? Let me know in the comments!

Misc.

Going to attend Sex Down South. Commissioning art of my new character, Bellephagor. Reading a series of witchy thriller novels. Starting up my daily writing. Drinking an Americano in bed. Watering my pet basil plant, Jeffrey. Switching between the Zumio and the Magic Wand Rechargeable whenever I fancy it. Buying toys on r/usedsextoys. Buying cute enamel pins. Going to a business party with my partner’s coworkers. Drinking honey beer. Watching the Dark Crystal and the Netflix Series it spawned. Marathoning the Rocky Movies.

JeJoue Classic Bullet Review

As readers of my previous posts may know, I’ve been a faithful lover to my Exposed Nocturnal Bullet. Yes, I admitted the toy had some faults, even in the loving post where I reviewed it, I mentioned that I thought the toy had given me a cut on my urethra. But even the threat of a recurrence of this unfortunate event wasn’t enough to put me off. It’s cheap, rechargeable and strong. And I’d still recommend it if your budget firmly excludes vibrators over fifty dollars! But…this month my clit was wooed. Seduced away from the knife sharp vibrations by more rumbly, sweet vibrations that gently massaged my clitoris and all her internal structures. Yes, I admit, I’ve found someone else. The JeJoue Classic Bullet is rumbly and gentle to me and I’ve fallen head over heels.

The JeJoue Classic Bullet is a silicone covered bullet without any bells and whistles to differentiate it from the other bullets. Well, perhaps excepting the cheerful teal color and squishy silicone tip. There are three buttons on the side, and there are 5 speeds which range from a fluttery tap to a more robust buzz. Some reviewers despise the button placement, but I don’t really find it that inconvenient. Still, it does make the bullet a little less ergonomic. The Classic is also waterproof, which I tested in my sink as I washed a few choice dildos. It holds an average amount of charge, and so I was disappointed the two times it died on me and I had to find another toy to finish me off. Admittedly I go for weeks without charging it, so this is kind of my fault. And, as mentioned above, the Classic also has a squishy tip, which some other reviewers have noted! This makes the bullet vibe a little more comfortable if you like to put pressure against your clit.

Now, as for how the Classic fairs against my clitoris…well, it’s like taking my clit to the spa. This is a gentle massage, a purring rumble that makes my internal structures SWOON. In terms of music, the Exposed Nocturnal is a shrieking electric guitar, all sharp and strong, where the Classic is a thrumming, throbbing bass. The quality of vibrations are so different that it actually took a little while for my brain to interpret the vibrations of pleasurable. But I also noticed that my clit needed less of a break between orgasms and felt less raw after the sessions. There’s a fuzzy-wuzzy comfortable feeling to these vibrations and it penetrates deeply, so my clitoris doesn’t get numbed out like it does sometimes with buzzier vibes. My whole clitoral network gets involved, so I can place this just to one side of my vulva and be awash in LOVELY sensation. On the lower levels, the sensation is almost like tapping on my clit rather than strictly vibrations. It’s like a tapping pattern but with no break in stimulation. What I’m saying is that this vibe is like a good vanilla ice cream: not innovative, but a simple thing done excellently. And at a fair price considering the Classic is only $59!

I’m not saying that I don’t still love my Exposed Nocturnal, it was my first love after all. But I am saying that I’m not monogamous with my vibrators. The Classic has been a trooper, reliably tapping and thrumming against my clit until I shudder and cum. Honestly, it’s a toy that exemplifies the perks of being a sex toy reviewer.

This product was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

Zumio X Review

I am laying naked on my bed, with the whirring tip of the Zumio buried in the fleshy folds of my inner labia near my clit. My eyes are sliding over the erotica I’ve picked out haphazardly, the careful and constructed sentences of literary fucking are almost ignored because of the intensity next to my clit. The sensation of the Zumio is intense and glorious; I find my eyes sliding in and out of focus at times and screwing up tight at others. It is powerful and squirm inducing this pleasure. I try to resist, try anything to not give in and cum too quick, but alas, a squeal stutters out of my throat and I feel my cunt flexing and squeezing in the rhythm of orgasm.

My boyfriend walks into the bed room to see me jerking off with what looks like a fabric gel pen pressed against my clit. He asks me “Is it good?”

I look up at him, my face pink.

“Fuck yeah it is.”

The Zumio is never a toy I expected to review. I had heard about it and knew several reviewers approved of it, but somehow I hadn’t really considered that I would ever own one. That is, until my shining star Kitten Boheme asked me if I wanted one. When I saw that Twitter DM I felt like she just nonchalantly asked if I wanted a platinum plated credit card good for infinite orgasms. Suffice to say, I said said yes. We traded details and jokes and hopes that I would like until it arrived.

When I opened it, I admit I knew what I was in for. The Zumio is kind of a weird looking toy. It’s shaped a bit like something I would expect from a Michael’s craft section, with a thick, gel pen body and a tiny whirly bit at the end. With a robust 8 speeds ranging from an intense ‘low’ to a ‘SOMEONE’S BLASTING MY CLIT WITH A LASER’ high, there’s been a variety of ways I can experience this. The Zumio also boasts an impressive use time of four hours on one charge but…it does take 16 hours to charge. So, pros and cons I guess. It charges in a neat way, in its own cup standing up right. And the Zumio is waterproof, which is kind of awesome, since cleaning the little thing would otherwise be a nightmare.

But I admit, I’m not thinking about how cool the Zumio’s charging mechanisms are or about how grateful I am that it’s easy to clean because its waterproof. At least, not most of the time. No, when I see it on my nightstand just hanging out, I’m thinking about the laser focused intensity that I can use to literally force myself into orgasm. Because the hype train is right, HOLY FUCK is it intense. The Zumio is my depression masturbation savior. It’s just what I need when my vag feels numb from depression or my period. The Zumio pummels my clit to orgasm and I’m just too happy to let it…over and over again. It’s easy to give and just use the Zumio solo, but when I can bring myself to put the Zumio aside long enough to lube up a dildo, it makes for a VERY satisfying session.

The way I’ve used the Zumio most often is I press it into my labia majora and can feel the stimulation through the fleshy parts of my vulva. The best speed of eight on the Zumio is the third one, it hits the sweet spot of ‘powerful enough to get me off quickly’ without being so extreme that it overwhelms my clit and makes me cry. In the spirit of trying off-label uses, I also tried putting the twirly tip inside the mouth of my vag to see if it would feel good. But the thrashing feeling was so weird that I gave up after just a few seconds. This is fine, the Zumio is a clit toy and doesn’t need to go inside me. I’ll also use this on my clitoral hood or on the shaft of my clitoris. The times that I’ve dared pull back my clit hood and put the Zumio directly onto my clit, I wanted to fucking scream. The sensation is so severe and overwhelming that I can’t bring myself to actually do it to myself for all that long. A few times, I even felt a kind of pain which scared me off doing that too often. Girly Juice mentions that this would be awesome for a forced orgasm scene and I’m inclined to agree. The only time the Zumio is coming directly in contact with my clit is if someone else is wielding it.

The Zumio is like the Deathwish of vibrators. A vibrator that kicks you in the ass and wakes you up with a zippy, severe and joyful sensation. It’s also like Deathwish in that not everyone is going to like it. For some people, this amount of stimulation is going to feel just devastating on their clit. And that’s fine! But for those of us who get a rush from the extreme, the Zumio might be just your cup of coffee.

This toy was given to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Kitten Boheme (go read her stuff, she’s hilarious!)

Femme Fun Ultra Bullet Review

The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet is undeniably cute. A fat bullet covered in adorably bright turquoise silicone with a bright pink button? Probably one of the most aesthetically pleasing designs I’ve seen in a while. It puts me in mind of Easter eggs that you might find in the grass and it makes me ache for warmer spring weather. The Femme Fun bullet caught my eye more  as I looked for alternatives to the Tango, and while I’ve certainly found alternatives, I never really stopped being enamored of the clean, cute design of the Ultra Bullet. So you can imagine my delight when SheVibe allowed me to review it! Of course, I should know more than anyone that looks can be deceiving, because this bullet isn’t what I hoped for.

femme fun ultra bullet product photo
The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet really makes me think of spring.

When I said the bullet was fat, I suppose technically I wasn’t correct. Looking now at the measurements of the bullet, the widest part is only .91 inches thick, smaller than most thin dildos. I suppose the roundness of the design is what imparts a sense of chunkiness to the bullet, as well its fat base. The Femme Fun Ultra Bullet is fully waterproof, which I dutifully tested during a hot bubble bath. It buzzed away faithfully without complaint as I lounged in my tub, providing a pleasingly decadent orgasm. The bullet also claims to have 20 functions, which I dutifully counted, and the ad copy is correct. It has a fine battery life and operates via the single large button on the bottom. To turn it on, you press and hold the button, and to change settings you click the button briefly. All fairly standard and simple, though the inability to go back to a favored setting is especially annoying with the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet. You must cycle through all of the other functions to get back, which is very tedious considering there are so many settings. The memory function is also odd, because if I click off the vibe on my finishing speed (usually the highest steady speed) then the vibe tries to be helpful by starting me off on that speed when I turn it on again. This can make using the vibrator sort of awkward because when I click on the vibe, I expect a nice low speed and am instead assaulted with the highest steady one. After I click the vibrator once though, the vibrator goes back to the first steady speed and progresses normally.

The controls are really what make the Femme Fun a let down for me. Well, that and that there are only three steady speeds. Yes, the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet does have 20 functions as promised! 17 OF THOSE ARE PATTERNS. Epiphora asked her readers and the results are in: patterns are not what make us come. No one praises the Tango for its patterns, and they are not the feature of the Nocturnal. My clit feels sort of battered from all directions when experiencing a lot of the patterns. This, combined with the fact that I must experience them in order to get to my favored settings irritates me to no end.

Perhaps I would be less salty about there being only three steady speeds if I were able to navigate them more easily. Because quite honestly, the steady speeds are lovely! The low one is perfect to stir arousal, and is therefore great for when I’m reading erotica and having a long session. The second and third speeds are pleasingly rumbly and strong and are surface level and all of those other buzz words which generally mean I get to orgasm. Even my boyfriend enjoyed vibrations of this quality, as he agreed to test it by putting it (partially) in his ass. He said it felt really interesting and pleasurable as he slid it in, and I couldn’t help but feel a little hornier watching him like that…anyway. If I could navigate through these three speeds then I’d feel a lot better using the Femme Fun Ultra Bullet, and I’d feel even better if there were a greater range of steady speeds.

The Femme Fun is charmingly designed, strong, rumbly and rechargeable. If that was all that mattered, then I’d be hawking it to you at the top of my voice. But the controls of the vibrator make me WINCE. Furiously clicking through the patterns so I can drop the vibrator down to a lower steady speed is frustrating, and I can’t even reset by turning it off because the memory function will start me wherever I stopped. If I were to remake this vibe, I would hack off a good chunk of the patterns, increase the range of steady speeds and make it more navigable. Since I can’t, I’ll point you to my preferred clit vibe at the moment, the Exposed Nocturnal which I reviewed here. No it’s not as cute and it doesn’t come in turquoise, but it doesn’t force me to experience patterns and it has 5 steady speeds.

This product was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks SheVibe!

Screaming O Tri-It Review

Countess Kassandra is a well known blogger whom I DEEPLY respect. She writes wonderful reviews (CHECK OUT HER REVIEW OF THE ELEMENT THREE. She wrote about pegging her husband in such a beautiful way) and is now running her own shop, the Erotique! This on it’s own is delightful, I think reviewers owning shops that they stock with verifiably good toys is a great way to bring in more body safe toys and push out shitty and toxic toys. But when she offered me a chance to review for her Erotique, I couldn’t leap on the chance fast enough. However, I would be remiss in not noting that the toy I was offered for review was a little odd.

The Tri-It from Screaming O is weird looking one, this is just a fact. I pulled it out of the packaging and regarded the three beaded prongs with a strange mix of feelings: bewilderment, excitement and caution. Never have I approached a sex toy like it might be an exotic and potentially lethal bird that would look fabulous as it kicked me to death, but some how, I felt that way. The Tri-It looks like a makeup tool for fem aliens from beyond the stars more than it looks like a sex toy for human genitals, which only added to my fascination. Can a toy as strange looking as this feel good? Well…yes!

tri-it product photo 2

Looking at the instruction manual, the Tri-It – at least on paper – seems to check all the boxes for a successful toy. It’s rechargeable, waterproof, and covered in a thin skin of hot pink silicone. While I’m not the biggest fan of pink, the sheer brightness of it softens my heart. Neon pinks are better than pinks that try to look demure. The controls are similar to those of the Exposed Nocturnal, pressing for two seconds on any button to turn the toy on or off and navigating through the settings with short button clicks. I think a power button in addition to the scrolling buttons would be a welcome addition, but that’s a minor gripe.

The Tri-It has 10 steady functions and 10 patterns. Being the kind of person I am, I eschewed all the patterns in favor of the steady functions. The patterns are intense and a little jarring in fact, so if I wanna have an orgasm, I make sure to stay in the steady intensities. Positioning the beads to work for me was…a challenge. Actually I found it near impossible to get all the prongs to focus on it. My clit is hooded and VERY small, so mostly I just ended up pushing the main bead against my clit and letting the other two prongs do whatever. For some people, this will be a deal breaker. But even though I was disappointed that the prongs didn’t line up with my anatomy, the Tri-It saved itself through one particular feature.

This little alien lipstick looking vibrator is a GODDAMN POWERHOUSE. If this were a generator it would be Tony Stark’s Arc Reactor. I could (and have) had orgasms all day long just on the first four steady speeds. Paired with a good dildo, I orgasm hard enough to soak the bed spread under me and lose function in my legs. People who follow me on Twitter know that I used the Tri-It and the Splendid to orgasm myself into a stupor. It rivals the Nocturnal and perhaps even the Tango in power. Its single bead is extremely pin point, so precise and accurate that my clit can’t hope to escape the vibrations. My internal structures are pleased from the power of this as well, as the vibration quality is a pleasant medium between buzzy and rumbly. At times I can be numbed, but it’s nowhere near the numbing effect of the Nocturnal.

Bloggers are an important element in the field of sexuality and sex toys. They provide honest opinions on toys, forthright information on safety and a good laugh when we need it. Countess Kassandra is one of those bloggers who has decided to up the standard of sex toys by only selling things in her Erotique she would personally want to use, which is an admirable thing. While I found the Tri-It to be an odd bird, I still really enjoy it and don’t hesitate to recommend it for people looking for a slightly cheaper alternative to the Tango. And if you want to support me while checking out, use code ROCKETGIRL which will kick back a small percentage to me at no extra cost to you!

This product was sent to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Countess Kassandra! YA NAILED THIS ONE.

 

Liz’s Christmas Wishlist

Dear Santa, 

I’ve been a very good blogger this year. I’ve reviewed dildos, butt plugs, lube, kink implements, vibrators and given my honest advice and thoughts on a number of miscellaneous topic. More specifically, I’ve talked an awful lot about urinary health, toxic toys and relationships, how to jerk off in the winter and what toys you can stuff yourself with on a modest budget. I’ve licked lube, made friends online and proudly presented my darling partner with our latest silicone treasures. 

And so this year, dearest Santa, I’ve come up with some things that I’d like for Christmas for being such a good blogger.

  • Sex toys and Misc.
  • Writing Aids
  • Kink Toys
  • Literature

Sex toys and Misc.

  1. Liberator Throe: Man, where do you begin with this. Everyone who likes to have sex ought to have one. It’s been touted as perfect for squirters, people who have sex on their period and generally as superior to the ol’ towel in every respect. I’d love to have one of these, if only so testing during my period is less awkward. WELL AND SO THAT I DON’T STAIN AFTER MY BOYFRIEND LEAVES. Listen, not using condoms feels great but it does make clean up a little more intensive.
  2. The Rechargeable Magic Wand: Oh how I’ve lusted for you. I’ve refrained from getting it due to the price tag, but I’m wooed by the tales of effortless orgasms and the freedom that a cordless vibrator offers. While I’m still delighted with my Unicorn Vibrator, ours is an open relationship, and the Magic Wand Rechargeable look like just what my clit needs.
  3. Vixen Creations Woody: THE RED!! God I’m in love with red sex toys. They’re perfectly passionate and I’ve heard nothing but good things about Woody. I think it would look perfect in my new strap on harness, a nicely sized red dildo superimposed on black briefs really speaks to my slutty jock heart. 
  4. A full sized stroker: What? A toy not for me?? Nah, this is still totally for me. I want to use a stroker on my boyfriend! It’s not often I’m dominant, but sometimes, you get possessed by the urge to taunt your partner as you get him off. Pair that with a cute outfit and you’ve got an adorable BDSM scene!
  5. Ruse 18 Inch Double Dildo: I’ve kind of always had a fantasy of making myself bulge through the use of a double-ended dildo. The idea of seeing my flat, athletic tummy bulging as I slide a dildo deep, deep into my ass is…shiver-inducingly hot. However, most double ended toys are made of TPE or jelly, some distinctly unfriendly toy materials.  HOWEVER! This Blush Novelties answered my dreams by making a body safe, silicone dil that I can fulfill my dreams with. And the icing on top is that it comes in RED.

Writing Aids

  1. A Moleskine Journal: People swear by these and I want to try one out for myself! I’d love to feel like a true romantic, journaling away in some quietly comfortable coffee shop. So far, I’ve kept a journal on my laptop, which has gotten to over 160 pages of personal writing. More than 60,000 words! I’m very proud, but it’s getting so that my laptop will start to chug when I open the document. Maybe it’s time to go analog?
  2. A Grammar Handbook: Having one of these close at hand to pore over would be wonderful. Often times, I bully my friends into beta-reading a post for me, and they catch all sorts of grammatical errors. Feeling a little ashamed of this, I think a style guide would really be right up my alley.
  3. Zebra Mechanical Pencils: These are my most favorite mechanical pencils. They write well, don’t feel cheap and are delightfully portable!
  4. A Set of Highlighters: I LOVE ANNOTATING MY LITERATURE. And I love making things pretty. Ergo, highlighters (the pen type, not the face type) are kinda my jam. It helps out a lot!

Kink Toys

  1. Kinklab Leather Wrist Cuffs: I’ve a taste for rope bondage, ergo my rope bondage post regarding Agreeable Agony. But for a long time now I’ve longed to complete a leather set and own some handcuffs for when I don’t want to go through being tied up.
  2. Tantus Dragon Tail: Having gotten a taste of the Gen, I’m ever so curious to try more Tantus impact toys. I’d love to feel the thwack of the tail against my ass and maybe (finally) bruise my steely ass. Also, the suede like feeling of the silicone is just beautiful. Ah Tantus. You know impact implements so well.
  3. Stockroom Bust Harness: The aesthetic of this harness is just gorgeous. One day, I hope to look just as hot as the girls modeling this gorgeous harness. Maybe somewhere in North Carolina there’s a bondage club I can go to where this would be appropriate. Or maybe I could just…wear it under my clothes?
  4. Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints: Again, this is for the lazy, impatient submissive who DOES NOT want to wait to be restrained. I want to struggle against some restraints and I want to do it now! This would make it ever so convenient for my and my partner. Because all we have is rope, we most often go for the quick solution of him manually pinning my wrists while he fucks me, but this would be quick and hands free!
  5. Aussie Health Co Enema Kit: Once again, I must shyly confess to my fantasy of being filled up completely. I have a bit of a cum fetish, and I often fantasize about being pumped full of semen so that I swell and look a few months pregnant. While such a thing could be organized in reality, an enema can provide a quicker and cheaper way for me to be filled up. Bonus: it’d clean me out for anal. Maybe then I can lose my anal virginity!

Literature

  1. Female Ejaculation and The G Spot: I’ve wanted to squirt for a long time. I purchased the Pure Wand because I read it was the perfect instrument to cause such an explosive orgasm. Hopefully by absorbing the knowledge contained in these pages, I’ll be able to learn how to squirt!
  2. Playing Well With Others: It’s a BDSM book! Something I, a BDSM newbie would love to have. I’ve enjoyed my collar and playing in the shallow end, but I’m super curious of what’s beyond the sand bars. I’m saying I wanna try some kinkier stuff, and reading about it is the first way to get there!
  3. Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: ANOTHER BDSM BOOK. My boyfriend and I are confirmed rope lovers, so learning more about our chosen restraint would be a fun, kink themed activity for us to do together. I wonder now if he would read aloud to me…
  4. A Hand in The Bush: This time, a book about fisting people with vulvas! I’ve recently gotten my own fist in, but I’d really like to learn how to do it more consistently and pleasurably! I think it would make for a great learning experience, and it might help me discover more about how to prepare more than just my vagina!

I know it’s a long list, dearest Santa. But I have been very, very good; though if you don’t bring anything at all, I’m still having a wonderful holiday.

Happy Holidays y’all! Here’s best wishes from mine to yours.

 

The Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator

If the Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator were a straight silicone dildo, this review would look different. I could talk about the fanciful design and fun color. I could talk about the appreciation I have for more established companies making playful designs. But this is overshadowed by one singular fact. That the Lush Hera is so weak that I can hear it more than I can feel it. And if you call yourself a vibrator, then you should probably be more perceptible on the skin than to the ears.

The first vibrator I was sent was slightly defective, and had I reviewed that one I probably would’ve been frothier since I literally couldn’t feel it. However, the people at Betty’s Toy Box were so perfectly wonderful to send me a replacement and this one was just perceptibly stronger. But sadly, that slight boost in strength didn’t amount to much because this vibrator is still tragically weak.

The Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator is a dark purple vibrator with a design akin to what I imagine would be a dragon cock in miniature. So perhaps a kobold cock? Perhaps. The silicone is soft and smooth, squishing just a little under a firm grip and betraying the rock hard vibrator guts. The Hera is modestly sized at 5.75 inches insertable and only 1.4 inches wide and runs on 2 AAA batteries.  The toy is splash proof, body safe and unfortunately? I don’t like it.

HERA PRODUCT PHOTO
The Lush Hera G Spot Vibrator is prettier than it feels.

Oh Hera. What have they done to you. You could’ve been a delightful, semi-fantasy dildo that I would’ve gleefully displayed to all three of my friends who can handle my enthusiasm with sex toys. But you were spirited away before they would let your true talents shine, and you were labeled a vibrator. And see, you weren’t meant to be one. That’s not where you excel. Asking you to vibrate is like asking Stephen King to write a nursery rhyme. He might of course, but that’s not his true talent. You don’t have the vibrations needed to wake up my clit, a veritable insomniac, let alone my narcoleptic G spot. So when I use you internally, I turn you off and use the Nocturnal actually. If The Nocturnal is the heavy metal scream of vibrators, you’re someone whispering from across the room. Forgive me for preferring your sibling.

Dramatic musing aside, I really can’t feel this vibrator on my clit, much less when it’s inserted. I lay the Hera on there, and after the initial ‘Oh there’s something vibrating on me’, it fades away. Internally, I’m left with a vague sense that there’s something going on in my vagina, but the texture during thrusting drowns out the feeling of the vibrations.

But even turned off and used as a dildo, the Hera falls short. The silicone gives a little squish, but those ridges covering rock hard vibrator guts make it abrasive, over textured, and uncomfortable to use. Not to mention that teeny weeny head doesn’t do anything for my G spot. This seems shocking given my love of the highly textured Lust Arts Mermaid, but the Mermaid also has a delightful squish to it. The Hera is as firm as any caricatured disciplinarian from the cartoons I used to watch and just as abrasive.

In all, I wish I had more positive things to say about this toy. This line has beautiful looks and playful designs, but I’m afraid the Hera fell flat for me. If you’re looking for a good vibrator, Betty’s Toy Box sells The Gaia Eco Vibrator, which has gotten high marks from fellow bloggers like Dangerous Lilly, or you can try the Exposed Nocturnal, which I love and fear in equal measure.

This toy was provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest review. Thanks Betty’s Toy Box!

 

Blush Novelties Exposed Nocturnal Lipstick Bullet Vibrator Review

The Blush Novelties Exposed Nocturnal Lipstick Bullet Vibrator (from here on The Nocturnal) is not joking with you. It is not joshing or funning with you, and it is nowhere near the vicinity of goofing on you. Despite the soft shades of pink and purple, the Nocturnal contains a powerhouse ready and willing to forcibly buzz an orgasm out of you. The strength of this vibrator is commendable, and I would like to applaud Blush Novelties for making an affordable and strong vibrator. However, while I love the strength of the Nocturnal, my thoughts on it as a whole remain complicated.

I decided on purchasing the Nocturnal for two reasons. One was because I’d heard that it was as strong as the Tango. That of course caught my attention, because that kind of thing isn’t thrown around lightly. If you’re not aware, the Tango is one of the most revered vibrators possibly ever. It’s gotten consistently high praise from just about every sex toy reviewer who was lucky enough to be able to review it. The second reason was that the price of the Blush Novelties Jammy and The Nocturnal combined was approximately equivalent to the single density version of the Vixen Creations Randy. Yes, the Nocturnal retails for approximately $32, which is less than half of what the Tango costs. So for people on a budget, this is going to turn heads.

NOCTURNAL PRODUCT PHOTO
The Exposed Nocturnal Lipstick Bullet Vibrator in Dusty Rose

The Nocturnal is sort of big for what I imagine a bullet vibrator to be. It’s about 4 inches long, making it much bigger than the Screaming O Vooom which I have, and about as long as the Tango. Made of ABS plastic, the best material for conducting vibrations, the toy is smooth and nonporous, meaning it’s easy to sterilize with a little bleach if you want to share it between partners. Because the toy has mechanical parts, boiling is off the table, as well as tossing it in the dishwasher on a sanitize cycle. The Nocturnal is also rechargeable, with magnetic contacts rather than a jack. This I take some issue with as the magnetic contacts are weak and can cause some difficulty when trying to stick the charger to it. Still, it’s better than a jack, which can worry me irrationally when I see the toy being dunked in water.

The Nocturnal has five vibration speeds and five patterns. Given the strength of the motor in this toy, the patterns can be kind of pleasurable actually. The vibrations of the escalation pattern feel like my clit is being tapped, which, depending on how aroused I am, can be jarring or exquisitely pleasurable. Mostly though, I focused on the steady vibration settings. On the website, the product copy claims that the Nocturnal is waterproof, which I tested by dropping it in a sink full of water and other dildos I was warming up. The cold weather necessitates some pre-heating before masturbation you know. I watched the Nocturnal buzz away in there for several minutes, unaffected by the water surrounding it and spinning wildly on top of the dildos. I also pulled it out partially to look at the impressive water displacement, which was quite entertaining. While this test is entirely unscientific, I’m confident in validating the waterproof claim.

But enough beating around the bush. How does it feel? Well, as I mentioned earlier, this is definitely a strong toy. I’ve used the Nocturnal multiple times, nearly every masturbation session since I got it trying to synthesize my feelings in a concise way. But unfortunately, simplicity escapes me. The first time I tried the Nocturnal, it was borderline painful to put on my genitals. Now admittedly, I’d had several orgasms with a wand vibrator earlier so I was already over stimulated, and so laying something so aggressive on my clit was bound to feel weird and unpleasurable. So really, that one was on me. But it’s also worth noting that the Nocturnal is too powerful for me to use it as a warm up toy. Even the first intensity is too much for my clit when it’s just waking up. I need to use my hands for a few minutes before I’m sufficiently warmed up enough to want the Nocturnal.

Once I hit that sweet spot though, the Nocturnal is undeniably and ruthlessly pleasurable. This toy dominates my clit, makes me unable to control my expressions and forces moans out of me. The vibrations are on the buzzier size, but with an element of rumble that makes them still approachable despite that aggressive motor. The first setting alone can make me squirm and pant from the strength of the vibrations. Paired with a dildo, this toy makes me come hard all over whatever I’ve chosen to stuff my vagina with. Orgasms with the Nocturnal on my clit actually made me figure out where my G spot was. The strong clitoral orgasms caused my G spot to swell up, making penetration of almost any kind almost violently orgasmic. And so I became a devoted worshipper of the toy, using it faithfully during every dildo session that I had. I fell into a kind of love with this vibrator. It’s small, simple and effective. The buttons made sense. It never failed to get me off.

Well, sort of. I feel a little awkward mentioning this, but I did have one acutely unfortunate session with the toy that I feel I need to mention. One night as I was using the toy before bed, I felt a sharp pain in my vulva. I thought briefly that maybe I was just numbed out from the Nocturnal, but when I went to pee after masturbating, I felt a sharp pain and saw some blood on the toilet paper. After that, the sharp, stinging sensation persisted in my urethra all night, and there was blood every time I went to the bathroom. I thought I might’ve had an infection and made an appointment with an Urgent Care clinic to get a urine culture done, but by the morning, the pain had receded dramatically and there was no more blood. Given these circumstances, I concluded that some how I had cut my urethra. While I can’t say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Nocturnal caused this, it seems to me the most logical conclusion given the timing of the event. So I’ve taken a brief respite from the Nocturnal for my vag to heal.

So overall, my relationship with this toy is still complicated. I’ve had glorious masturbation sessions with it, and found it made testing dildos enormously easier with the Nocturnal buzzing away on my clit and swelling my G spot. And I’ve had a sleepless, stinging, and slightly bloody night also because of the Nocturnal. How to synthesize these experiences? Is it still okay to recommend a toy that caused this kind of discomfort? Is it scaremongering to mention this probable fluke? I’m still not sure. However, what I am sure of is that having a nuanced opinion on a toy is not a bad thing. I can both love and recommend this toy while at the same time cautioning my readers to be mindful if they have more delicate genitals. So if you’re in the mood for a strong, affordable vibrator and take note of the fact that it really is strong, I recommend the Nocturnal.

I purchased this toy all on my own, I just wanted y’all to know my opinion.

My First Full-Sized Wand: An experience and a review

I have never owned a full sized, plug-in wand vibrator until this year. And funnily enough, my first plug in wasn’t the legendary Magic Wand, or Hitachi as it’s known by by its diehard fans. No, mine is the tokidoki x Lovehoney Unicorn Multispeed Massage Wand Vibrator I snagged when Super Smash Cache was throwing out toys. I felt really lucky to be able to rescue it from the trash, because now I finally get the hype behind full-size wands. I won’t say it’s my favorite vibrator, but I will say that I have not unplugged it for several days. This is a vibrator that is as cute as it is powerful and I’ve come to adore mine.

PUNK JACKET AND VIBE 100718
My vibrator and jean jacket. Both are symbols of living life on my terms.

The tokidoki line is all extremely adorable. These are vibrators that say ‘I had a Hot Topic phase in my youth’ with their adorable unicorn wands that come in varieties such as: Punk, Goth, and Prep. I had a Hot Topic phase, but I could never convince my parents to let me dye my hair teal, wear black filmy shirts or wear black lipstick. So instead as 22 year old adult, I snag a punk unicorn vibrator and have orgasms with it. 16 year old Liz would be proud.

The vibrator is big, over thirteen inches long and it’s HEAVY. I don’t know how heavy, but enough to surprise me when I use it for longer than a few minutes. I typically rest mine against my thigh in such a way so that my wrist doesn’t bear the full weight. Part of what distinguishes this vibrator is that it doesn’t have set speed settings, it has a scrolling wheel I can use to adjust the intensity by minute gradations if I so choose. This has been invaluable when I want just a little more for that final push towards orgasm. Sometimes jumping from the medium setting of a vibrator to the high one can be jarring, but the scroll wheel takes care of this problem neatly. The other thing that sets this vibrator apart is the adorable punk unicorn silicone cap.  This cap is more than just cute, it has a surprisingly excellent functionality: it funnels those powerful vibrations into a point that I can dig into my clit. And I do! Mine is a clit that has always enjoyed pressure, and this lets me put pressure exactly where I want it.

I’ve been using this vibrator continuously since I got it and it hasn’t failed to get me off yet. It has always been strong enough, and with my libido waking up this October, it’s seen quite a bit of use. But that’s not to say there haven’t been downsides for the wand. The noise level is something else. Other vibrators simply don’t compare to the blender like noises of the wand and it invariably makes me self conscious when my roommates are home. Secondly, the heaviness of the vibrator makes it an exercise in endurance when jacking off. And lastly, these are strong vibrations, but these are very, very buzzy. At times it can be overpowering and numbing. Some days the top speed feels like it wants to sand off my genitals and is the furthest things from pleasurable. So while it’s enjoyable, it’s not something I’m always up for.

For a long time I doubted wands. I know I’m on the more sensitive end so I eschewed them for most of my masturbatory life. But now, I think I’m finally starting to get it. With my entering the reviewer world, I’m hopeful I’ll get to try more wand vibrators. But this punk unicorn vibrator is near and dear to my heart, because it lets me have my Hot Topic phase now. Except with more orgasms.

Hey! If you want more content like mine, Super Smash Cache’s blog is a fantastic place to get more reviews and writing. She didn’t sponsor me, I just think she’s great.

Warming Up: Part Two on Foreplay

So now we come to the second part of my Warming Up series. I’ve already discussed what foreplay is, or what my personal definition of it is, this post is meant as sort of a rough guideline of possible foreplay activities. Most of this has been drawn from my own personal experience so  your mileage may vary. This isn’t meant as an instructional guide on foreplay, merely offering my methods to see if you find anything you might want as an addition to your warm up repertoire.

In warming up for vaginal penetration

In warming up for vaginal penetration, there are a couple of things I’ll do differently depending on whether I’m preparing for PiV sex or if I’m planning on penetrating myself with a dildo. With a partner, I enjoy giving and receiving oral to get ourselves physically and mentally ready. Personally speaking, giving my partner a blowjob before sex makes me feel incredibly sensual and sometimes gets me aroused enough for penetration all on its own. Being able to control the experience my partner receives isn’t something I get to feel when I get fucked, so I relish the control I have for the time being.

Because my partner values reciprocity, he’s often not the only one getting oral. In fact, even with the difference in our sizes, we’ve actually pulled off the 69 position to great success. Getting oral is a fantastic act in its own right, and for some people it may be the whole sexual encounter , but I often find it to be an amazing warm up for PiV with my wonderful partner. When receiving oral, I prefer to also be fingered at the same time. The internal stimulation and getting used to being penetrated makes it so I can enjoy feeling stretched by my partner without feeling claustrophobic from his dick. I know it seems strange that my vagina with size queen tendencies can feel claustrophobic from anything, but it remains the case. If I don’t warm up to penetration and I’m not turned on enough, it’ll hurt.

If I’m warming up for a solo session, I’ll often start off with a vibrator. I’ve got a few that have been featured so far, namely the much loved Turbo Glider and Mystic Wand. Warming up my clit turns me on and gets me ready for a dildo. Now, I should use a smaller dildo in preparation for my larger ones, but most times? I just go straight for it and endure a little discomfort as my body gets used to it. In this respect, I would ask my readers to please use smaller dildos to warm up first rather than just plunging in. Your orifices will thank you.

The last crucial piece for warming up is: LUBE. I cannot stress enough how essential a good lube has been for my sex and masturbation life. Good Clean Love’s original formula was my go to until I noticed I started having some irritation, so I discontinued use. Thankfully, Good Clean Love has graciously offered to send me their BioNude formula, which I’m very grateful for. In the meantime, I ordered both the Butters and Sliquid from Peepshow, which preliminary testing is showing some very good results! Of course, I’ll fill you in more on a later post with regards to how these lubes feel.

In warming up for anal play

So a quick disclaimer: I’ve not had penetrative anal sex yet. Well, I’ve had an entire 8 inch dick in my ass, but after insertion (we didn’t use lube) it got pretty uncomfortable so he pulled out and we moved on to something else. So most of my experience with anal has been using toys or getting my ass fingered. Regardless, here’s how I warm up.

Usually I start with lots of lube and gentle digital penetration, because my butt is a delicate flower. The few times I’ve been impatient, I’ve wound up bleeding slightly and had to take a long break from anal play of any kind. So if I’m doing anything with my butt, I make some time to read some erotica, stimulate my clit, and slowly ease into anal. Making sure my clit is involved ensures that I’m turned on enough and still feeling pleasure while I’m easing into anal.

I’ve also done an enema in preparation for anal, though I later wasn’t able to actually follow through on that desire. I’ve done an enema using a bulb, and while I did feel cleaner, I felt oddly dehydrated and headachey afterward. This bad feeling nipped any chance of sex in the bud, so my partner and I ended up just snuggling while I recovered. So if you’re planning on doing an enema, I’d recommend: 1. Doing several rinses. 2. Making sure you’ve got access to a bathroom you can hog for about an hour. 3. Drinking plenty of water in the event you feel like me after. Also, while an enema once in a while is fine, too many too close together can really upset your gut flora! So be mindful and take care of your body.

Last words

You know your body best and know where your limits are. The things I’ve described above may work for you, and they may not. I encourage you to experiment with several activities and to take your time in getting your body ready. In a lot of ways, warming up for sex is like warming up for any other athletic event. Take your time to get your mind and body ready so that you can enjoy whatever encounter you decide to participate in!