Fiction and Reality: Coping Mechanism or Not?

CN Warning: Mentions of non-consent as fiction discussed below

Today I had some complicated thoughts regarding fiction and its place in our lives. And how it can affect reality. My specific thoughts were regarding taboo topics like pornography with themes of non-consent and other taboo, illegal or violent themes. Honestly I ought to cut and paste from my FB chats with my boyfriend what exactly I think, but I’ll honestly try to reproduce my thoughts here in this blog post.

I think people broadly fall into two camps whose main axioms run thus: The first group believes that fiction is a safe place for individuals to explore things they would not do in reality. The second group believes that fiction can and often does affect reality and has consequences because of human interpretation and experience. Many arguments are made that because a work is ‘just fiction’ that it ought not to be taken as a guide or even and endorsement of the activities that take place therein. And that’s fair enough. Many who have suffered real life traumas also use fiction as a coping mechanism. For example, a survivor of rape might create a work of non-con erotica in order to re-contextualize and reclaim their experience that they suffered. I believe that this a valid strategy provided that the individual is, to the best of their knowledge, using this as a way to cope without re-traumatizing themselves. However, I also believe that same work could have drastically harmful effects on another survivor who sees their experience of rape being eroticized. Not to mention, people who would like to or are in reality rapists might find such erotic work validating and normalizing. A survivor’s attempt to cope with their experience could very easily damage another survivor and validate a rapist who takes the work of fiction to be an endorsement of their actions.

It’s not like I don’t understand the argument for fiction being an exploratory space. I totally and completely understand that someone might create a raw, violent and intensely emotional piece of fiction in order to cope with past traumatic events. I think having pieces of fiction that allow us to explore and work through traumatic events is incredibly valuable. Furthermore, there’s some evidence to suggest that survivors can ‘re-write’ their traumatic experiences by re-enacting them differently. But other evidence suggests that some people can be re-traumatized by the same material, so the situation remains sticky as ever.

The first solution most people argue to the problem is to tag such works with appropriate things that denote the content. I would agree that tagging things so that survivors who want to engage in catharsis via their preferred method can do so, while allowing those wish not to see it to avoid it by black-listing or otherwise avoiding that tag. However, you have to wonder if by flagging it, you’re also making the material easily searchable for rapists and pedophiles and what have you who find the work encouraging and validating. Now you have an easily searchable database full of your preferred taboo, and no one can criticize you if you claim to be a survivor. It’s so skull-splittingly hard to determine people’s motives and the truth online, and even in real life. Who knows why someone clicked on your non-con pornography? Maybe it was a survivor looking for catharsis? Or perhaps someone looking to indulge a kink they would never consider acting out in real life? Maybe it was a rapist looking for pornography to jack off to. It’s really impossible to know what someone behind the other end of your screen thinks.

One of my thoughts today was if there ought to be a website which is entirely run by survivors who would like to have their work accessible to others. It would need to be very explicitly run by survivors and have some kind of disclaimer on the front page that might read: “By clicking on this, you understand that the work hosted here is made by survivors who wish to create something by which they can reclaim and control their experiences. By consuming this content, you understand that the creator does not endorse the events depicted. Furthermore, by consuming this content, you agree that you will not use this content in such a way as to promote or perpetrate the acts or events that are depicted in these works. To re-post these works outside of this context constitutes a violation and a subsequent banning from this site, as removal of the context will vastly change the meaning of this work and make it a damaging force to survivors who wish not to interact with works of this nature.” I think such a disclaimer would adequately communicate the intent of a website, but as I stated it above, when you create a work and make it available to view, you invite anyone to view it for any reason.

Ultimately, I suppose that I believe people should be able to do as they like with their personal fiction. But I further believe that a lot of the works with the themes mentioned above might not be suitable for a wider viewing audience because of the potential for harm.

What are your thoughts on fiction that portrays violence or taboo themes?

 

Growth and Development: Reading, Writing and Meditating

I’ve meditated upon my craft quite a bit lately. Recently I’ve been on a reading kick and its been exhilarating. I’ve purchased The Elements of Style, The Artists’ Way and Bird By Bird, all excellent writing manuals. I’ve also got 10 Percent Happier on my Audible account and new earbuds to listen to it with; and while I find the work a little bit more memoir than helpful, its been enjoyable to listen to nonetheless. Per the recommendation of The Artist’s Way, I made a commitment to doing morning pages and meditating, trying to get myself back into the swing of writing. I find that after I do my morning pages that I feel a little unburdened, and that words pour out more simply. Maybe they aren’t good words and they require some polishing, but I feel delighted nonetheless that they flow outwards.

I’ve also finished reading Come As You Are and Becoming Cliterate, both interesting books on sex. I found Come As You Are to be powerfully illuminating and I believe it merits another, deeper read. I’m hoping to secure more sexual literature in general though, so that I can turn my writing skills and fascination with sex into a synthesized whole. To write beautifully and clearly about the sexual cycle, how we go from arousal to desire would be amazing. I’ve seriously thought about creating a sexuality and writing group course in the hopes of fostering more community engagement with sex writers. Making a list of required reading, constructing PowerPoints, and holding academic discussion about sex online is an exciting thought, and I know with my experience of coaching fencing that I enjoy teaching.

One of my issues recently has been my inability to stick with a project. I find it difficult to stay interested in any one thing for very long, a function of my ADD mind. A million ideas flood through my brain on the daily: holding sex community events, creating sexual literacy classes, creating a podcast on sex, life and horror and more. It can be a lot to manage all my ideas and I’m still looking for compatible software to sort ideas into actionable ones. Saving them all in a Word document feels clumsy to me and isn’t aesthetically pleasing. Let me know in the comments what organising software you use to keep track of ideas! But further more, scheduling and sticking to a schedule is going to be the next thing on my list.

But first and foremost, this is going to be the week where I publish a post everyday. Maybe it will be more navel gazing in the sense that this is me fiddling about with my writing style and giving you a peek into the disordered, chaotic, joyful and agonized brain by turns. With luck though, I’ll make some excellent posts and grow a little bit more as a writer.

 

January Wrap Up: Cuddling, Cold, and Cute Dildos

Let’s kill this cold month and get outta here y’all, it literally feels like January 78th. I’m tired of it being freezing and also January. One of these things will happen, though I don’t anticipate it getting any warmer soon! So what have I been up to…

Partnered Life

My partner and I are incorporating Deep Pressure Therapy into our cuddling and physical intimacy. My partner and I have been under a lot of stress this month regarding employment and making big life changes in the coming future. After reading about deep pressure therapy, we tried it the low cost way. By which I mean, I laid on top of my partner like a 105 lb. girl shaped blanket for a half hour. The combination of skin to skin contact and pressure was incredibly soothing. We switch off being each other’s human blankets and it’s a great low effort form of intimacy. It’s perfect for when you want to be physically intimate with your partner but one or both of you isn’t in a good head space for sex (or perhaps, one or both of you just doesn’t want to have sex).

We’ve started watching Freeman’s Mind, a YouTube series that’s about what goes on in Dr. Freeman’s mind as he fights his way out of Black Mesa. Confession: I’ve never played Half Life. But I still really enjoy this YouTube series. It’s tightly written, comically violent and very irreverent. It’s sort of my go to brain popcorn when I’m with my partner. Many are the evenings where we both crawl onto the couch and feel beat up, so putting on Freeman’s Mind and clapping along to the intro is something that makes us both feel relaxed.

Earlier this month I bought and played a board game called Betrayal at the House on the Hill. My boyfriend and I love boardgames so fucking much. I bought this at Hobbytown over the holidays and we both love it to death. We only wish we could get our other friends to play it with us. I like that it functions like DnD lite and is slightly more accessible. It takes up to six people to play, has 50 scenarios, and it spooky enough for my horror inclined tastes.

Health and Wellness

In the best interest of my body, I’ve started eating more regularly and being more mindful of my health. I have a breakfast menu now which is essentially just: oatmeal with granola, a cup of coffee and a banana with chunky peanut butter. It’s inexpensive, decently healthy and filling. Great for recovering all the weight I lost over the holidays!

I’ve also started a nightly ritual that includes journaling, closing down all my screens, drinking two glasses of water and meditating. I haven’t been keeping it up every night, but I’ve noticed that I’m starting to fall asleep earlier! Success!

Maybe it’s from watching Jenna Marbles, maybe it’s from all the articles about how harmful the meat industry is, but I’ve been sort of gravitating to vegetarian/vegan food options. I’ve also noticed that it’s less expensive in a lot of ways and that you can make big batches of food and just eat off that for a week. I like that a lot. I also liked the vegan dumplings I had just the other day. FUCK THEY WERE GOOD.

Possibly because of stress (almost certainly because of stress), I’ve lost a lot of flirty energy in my life. Most of my texts have been some variation of ‘wanna cuddle?’. Which is perfectly valid, but I miss the teasing, exciting nature of flirtation. I wanna freshen up my flirting landscape

Turn ons and Toys

This month was stressful, but there were still some sexy aspects to it. This month has included a bunch of stuff like…

I’ve been super into dildos with foreskin lately. Something about the foreskin just is such a turn on, especially if the dildo is already girthy. I’ve been eyeing the Changeling from Hodgepodge Entourage (I won a dildo from them, the Sylph model). I also like the look of the Leviathan from Dread The Empire.

Nipple clamps are something I love aesthetically but historically haven’t enjoyed when they’re on my physical body. I have been trying so hard to like the nipple clamps I got from Tantus a while back. They still hurt so fucking bad.

This month I got sent a realistic dildo (review to come!) and I immediately tried it in my harness. Wearing a realistic dildo in my harness and jacking off in the mirror was both hot and an out of body experience. I really did wanna fuck that girl in the mirror.

I also discovered how intense my come fetish is. Know it’s a fantasy, but the idea of being absolutely showered in semen is super hot for me. I’m thinking of writing some erotica around it. Or maybe a Cryptokink since I don’t see anyone talking about the inflation fetish.

Mini-vibes have saved my masturbating life. With the Tri-It or the Exposed Nocturnal pressed against my clit, I can get off without a whole lot of effort. Also the controls are fucking great on these and I can easily adjust the intensity, perfect for trawling for pornographic fanfiction.

When my boyfriend and I DID have sex, we used the Butters as lube. Partially because it’s a great lube and partially because it was the easiest lube to access. It was on the nightstand while the Sliquid was in the drawer and my boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to open a drawer. Not that I’m complaining, I fucking love the Butters.

Miscellaneous 

Frying vegan dumplings for the first time. Filling the bird feeder. Spending lots of time cuddling with my boyfriend. Watching Sex Education. Playing dumb card games in a tent in the freezing cold. Recovering from trauma. Putting on eye and cheek glitter to feel more human. Buying cute underwear. Making Valentine’s Day plans. Walking to a donut shop. Working out for the first time in a while. Sending ab pics.

 

 

Sex Blogger Collaboration Ideas 2019

  • Strap On Make Over: You know in those chick flicks where our (usually female) protagonist goes to the mall and tries on a bunch of different looks and walks the catwalk? I want that but with a variety of strap ons and dildos. I want a strap on fashion goddammit. I want lots of cute people trying on new looks! Bonus points if you come up with a name/aesthetic theme for your look!
  • Dildo Telephone: Or sex toy telephone. Someone sketches a picture of a sex toy. Then passes it off to the next person who re-interprets the sketches and passes it to the next person down the line. NATURALLY no one sees anything other than the toy they are supposed to re-interpret. LET’S SEE HOW WEIRD LOOKING IT GETS.
  • Blog Switch: Pretend to be another blogger! Ex: Kitten Boheme attempts to write as Phallophile Reviews, Phallophile might review as Backwoods Bedroom and so on. Readers are invited to guess who’s who!
  • Blind Swap: Exactly what it says on the tin: box up a toy and send it to your chosen reviewer, and no one gets to know what it is other than a vague hint! This would be limited to dils, vibes and plugs cause clothing swap would be a bit complicated!
  • Photo Finish: A theme is announced and everyone has to interpret that theme via photography! The theme will be really vague and non specific like a collection of words ex: ‘midnight, neon, sleazy’ or a sufficiently vague phrase: ‘A cold morning in April’. Post em up and lets see what everyone came up with!